Wednesday, 31 October 2012

Same-hain-ness

(Eons ago--pre-marriage--days, when I couldn't sleep at three am, I would go for a walk. I loved the quiet serenity of the night. I'm pretty sure Horace wouldn't take kindly to me doing that now, so here I am...) 

Being a good pagan Halloween is a pretty big deal and always has been to me.
   I can ignore all the other holy days but not the 31st of October. We've done many interesting things during this celebration: gone to a pretty awesome private play party, went to see theatre--something pretty unique in the air viewing a performance on this date--hosted vanilla parties, held more formal dinners, spent the night in with just us and been at the call of trick or treaters and we've given out some good horde: pencils and magnets and stickers and buttons and mini-toys along with the standard candy.
 We support Halloween fare in all its harm none forums.

A few weeks ago, we attended a family gathering. One of Horace's sisters shushed her husband about something and I almost said to her, "Its rude to correct your husband like that!" caught myself in time, and went with a more diplomatic version of "Chill." and you know, when I'm the one telling people to calm down, its reached new heights of hysteria.

I believe in equality as it applies to defining roles and pay and women's rights and human's rights and I don't think living a D/s lifestyle is for everyone. However, I have noticed little incidents like the above, where I've been spurned to comment on something that actually felt out of place to me.
 Not that its any of my business, of course.
Am I making any sense here? Its like, how we live and how we think (yes, I'm on another thinking kick) affect our perceptions. I truly don't think everyone should be the same, because by gods that would be boring but its more...being submissive has been fully integrated into my brain.

A couple of weeks ago, another family member, showed us pictures of what their young daughter was going to be trick or treating in, it was a costume of a male superhero.
And it bugged me.
Really, really bothered me.
In typical Bleuame fashion, I was even more bothered by not knowing why this bothered me and started listing off all the reasons, asking questions like..."Hmmm am I offended by a woman-trying-to-be-a-man?" Non, not really and besides which, this is just dress-up so that thought doesn't fit this equation.
"Could it be because I feel like they are teaching this child to be something they are not?"
Hmm..yes..getting closer.
"Am I so submissively minded that a costume or used in a reverse gender role, makes me uncomfortable?"
Non. Again, its a costume.
"Why am I so bothered by this? What's it to me if they don't teach their daughter identify through gender?" |Ahhhhhh.
That's kind of it.
Since day one, the adoring parents have tried to play down the importance of gender.
This child has had boy clothes and boy toys and was purposely given an antonymous name, the parents have  kept out of her awareness anything girlie or frilly or pink.
 Again, what's it to me? Not my child.
 I'm in that group that can never comment or offer an opinion because I don't have geesling.

When I figured out that this wasn't a case of me trying to paint the world in \D/s or me trying to foster submission on the unsuspecting masses, I felt better. Slightly.

We start to learn who we are by very basic things, "Je suis...I am...a girl/boy...my name is...my family is...I like pink..." and so on.

Anyways, ignoring that weirdness (or not) I think its interesting how this dynamic of ours always seems to flow into the external parts of our lives.

Wishing everyone a safe & happy October 31st...no matter what you may call it.

Monday, 29 October 2012

Useless Insomnia

(Bleuame, you haven't been around much for weeks and now you're talking about something in the aisle of vanilla? ...Yes. Well. Give me a chance...just might be going somewhere with this)

Insomnia strikes for all kinds of reasons.
 But when I came down with it in the early hours of the morning, I was happy. You see, there has been a lot of changes lately and most of them are good. There is a lot of movement and things coming and expanding our little corner of the world and all of that makes me very content. It also sets my mind racing, with plotting, planning and I feel fired up. With inspiration, vision, with the longing to get up and do, do, do. With screaming impatience but feeling kind of peaceful with it all.
 And because there are a lot of pots on the stove, I thought I could put insomnia to good use.
Oh--but once again--how powerful our thoughts-or at least my thoughts--and our emotions--or at least my emotions--can truly be. Seriously. My life would be a lot easier if I actually remembered to be more concise in choosing thoughts and emotions...its an equation I'm working on. Constantly.
 Anyways...
I was hanging out with insomnia for awhile, running through all kinds of plans and what I was going to spring to action to do and then something else hit me. Something I have been trying to ignore. Pain, of the emotional kind, a kind of ache in my core.
 My husband knows people in every walk of life, all over the world. People like him. He just has that kind of personality. For me, relationships come harder, friendships especially because I value them so greatly. At times, its interesting to be with someone who jives with people so well, compared to my introverted-not-very-interested-in-you general stance. I prefer being alone to being in the company of others, more often than not.
But through a couple of degrees of separation, I met people and became fast friends.
That kind of thing doesn't happen to a girl like me often.
 It started off with an acquaintance--someone I used to work with (and for me, the line between 'friends' and 'acquaintance' is kind of a hard one, that defines and separates)--kept talking about this person. And the aquatience would say things like, "You two would get along so well!"
 Through serendipity (which, by the way, has been kicking my arse pretty hard lately), I met the person my acquaintance had been going on and on about.
We became online friends and clicked.
 It felt like an instant connection. Through this new friend, I became friends with her sisters and her mother. They became my 'far-a-way' friends. We would chat online, email back and forth, social medialize, Skype and even send physical letters and packages back and forth to each other.
 This kind of virtual friendship or correspondence went at a steady clip for three years.
Then, recently, this friend, sent me a message that said they did not want anything to do with me anymore and her sisters and mother followed suit.
  This hurt.
And I was quite surprised at how much this hurt and still does.
Anyways, to bring it back to the insomnia thing and the reason for this post: When I was wide-a-wake at three am, I used to have friends who on the other side of the world, were up and just starting their days and tonight, I missed them and it highlighted how much I miss that friendship.

There are several reasons why I find socialising more challenging than the average bleue, but for my husband's sake, I really try and make the best of it. With all the changes that has happened, there is going to be a lot more socialising.

I know enough to know, that you can\t paint everyone with the same brush. However, since this incident happened with the former friend, I find myself being just a bit more cautious about who and how I interact with online. I find myself holding back just ever so slightly with other virtual friends who before this, I felt fine with and I regret that...and I'm trying to get back into the swing of all-things-online and I'm almost there again.

So...that is what interrupted my productive intentions of putting insomnia to good use. And once my thinking turned down that path, I felt really hurt and sad and then I started thinking of this storm and worrying about all our friends and family and then and then...well if I didn't have this blog, I probably would have been huddled on the floor, in a corner, feeling pretty doomed about the state of everything.

Thanks for reading.

P.S. 
Horace and I had a fantastic, amazing kinky-play-lazy-Sunday...it was very good. We haven't had the chance, time or energy to play like this for awhile. Definitely not all doomed and more to come :o)

Tuesday, 23 October 2012

A Bit of Snake Fun


Buying, finding and adding toys to our collection is something that is normally left to Horace--though I give input when prompted. Usually we buy from artisans we know or have discovered, but we are fortunate to have a friendly neighbourhood kink shop that. We make forays into pretty regularly--though Horace visits more often than I do, its a social thing and he's content to do it solo. But I wanted to add something fun to the birthday-ness, so I paid a visit recently to the beautiful brick and mortar shop, looked around and on suggestion, purchased a pair of Snake Bites. I had seen these suction toys before--mostly the tube ones that remind me of a syringe--but there wasn't enough interest previously in those toys to add to our chest.
Horace was incredibly amused, when the wrappings revealed these rubber toys and of course, we tried them out.
They are delightfully fun.
 They do twist and pull causing an incredible sensation, they are less intense than clamps, or a non-pierced nipple bull ring.
 Horace allowed me to try them out on him--and doing anything to him with an implement is so rare, I was giddy with this go ahead.
But you can't give a sadist a new toy without having them exploit ways it can be painfully twisted and used. Having these suckers turn on your clit is a whole different sensation...at least it was when it wasn't expected...a surprising twist.
 Reading up on these things further, I learnt some use them to increase the sizes of their nipples...nipple play is fun and all but both of us are rather content with the size of mine and the thought of having a permanent effect from something so innocent looking, has placed my mind swimming in the gutter.

Friday, 19 October 2012

Friday Fragments: His Weekend

We always look forward to the weekends, especially ones where we have no events or functions to attend or be at.
 But obviously, some weekends carry more significance than others and this is one of them, that involves birthday cake.
I love planning surprises and crafting thoughtful gestures that show my husband on his birthday, how much I love him, and want to celebrate this anniversary of his birth with him and we always have a great deal of fun.
 This weekend will involve, a little scheming, new experiences, a bit of adventuring and whatever will please my husband when it comes to a good dose of kink-and how my mind is spinning wondering what that plan will be. Funny how I can plan everything else, exceptt for that--but its perfect of course.
Je te souhaite un bon week-end!



Art Source and Usage 

Wednesday, 17 October 2012

Commitment and Obedience

(Still trying to keep it kind of light this week...this post is in response to the "A Glimpse of Our Normal" post,  which provoked a lot of email feedback and confusion. Its only a word thing, I tell you...) 


In deciding to live our lives this way, in consciously deciding that we wanted to be so selfish that we could and would choose what we wanted in our relationship and with the realisation that a lot of that meant a D/s dynamic, both of us made further commitments. 
I made the commitment to trust Horace's authority, to trust him that he would act with our best interests, to literally be the dominant.
If I respect the decisions we have made and I trust my husband and I submit to his authority, then if he asks something of me, I comply.
Ah, comply, its a nice word.
You know, sometimes I think the whole-figuring out the terms is simply a matter of wordplay. What words resonate better with you and which don't belong in your verbiage and which make their way into your vocabulary overtime.
The word obedience, is a new one that Horace has been using, to make a stronger point of what it is he is asking of me now. And its a word that riles me.
Of course, I am obedient—most of the time anyways and I certainly strive to be—and of course I am obedient to what Horace asks...but to term it in such a way?
Please.
I come from the generation of me, me, me, where the term obedience was outdated and no longer had any place, anywhere, never mind being obedient to a man! 
And as much as I'm really the odd one out in my age-bracket, I must confess this is one of those that got me or at least it stuck.
Obviously,  there are acts of submission going on, obedience happening all over the place. 
There are many posts on this blog that deal with these topics but to give you an example:
A friend had introduced me to a new blog, written from the male POV.
I read a lot of blogs, mostly written from the female perspective but there are a couple of exceptions, like Sir J's incredible blog that I read and enjoy and I talk to Horace often about what I am reading and who I am interacting with in blogland. Horace has never had a problem with anything I choose to read.
But after talking with him about one post from this new blog, Horace asked me to show him the blog, so I brought it up on screen and he read it, spent quite a bit of time going through the content of the site.
“Why are you reading this?”
Horace asked after he was finished.
Okay, I knew this blog was a little out there but my friend had shared it with me and that was nice.
Horace then told me his opinion of the blog and said he didn't want me to read it any more. He felt it was too aggressive and in your face and didn't care for the point of view, language used or content.
All right.
I stopped reading the blog, I don't go visiting it and I stay as far as I can from the author of the site.
I might not agree with Horace's opinion but I do see his point and it doesn't matter if I agree with him or not on this topic. He clearly doesn't want me to do something, so I don't do it.
You can call that obedience and even though it is, I wouldn't term it that way.
Does it bother me that Horace asked me to stop reading that particular blog?
No, not really.
If he asked me to stop blogging or to stop reading blogs altogether, then I would probably feel it necessary to ask for a very lengthy discussion on that new opinion of his and if it was something like that, then I know Horace would be open to having a conversation on it.
The same way  I comply by kneeling at his side, part and parcel, living proof of our dynamic.
If he suddenly brought out a violet wand and said, “let's play” I'd probably run from the room.
But I trust him not to do anything that would cause me harm yes, but also discomfort and fear, at least not without discussing it first—wow is that communication element ever important, eh?
Obedience.
I'm working on acquiescing to the term...not that it matters much, what I think of it and of course, Horace knows how I see it and my feelings on the word and its amazing the kind of reaction he can provoke by a casual usage of it.






Tuesday, 16 October 2012

Search Result: Rope Nipple Clamp

Recent search term for this blog was "rope nipple clamp".
Hmmm. Hmmm.
I mulled that one over for awhile, because what do I know?
Somewhere out there in the world, there could be a nipple clamp made of rope.
 But as far as I have seen and experienced, a clamp involves, well some kind of clamping mechanism.
Made out of metal or steel or...something harder than rope.
Rope breast-harness, entirely possible and there are hundreds of tutorials on how to use rope to create different bondage-ish harnesses.
   While on the subject, I get a lot of questions (still) on nipple clamps and whether we really use clothespins and if so, are they actual clothespins, the kind you buy or were they altered somehow?
I like the kitchen-sink methodology for everything in life, including all things playful and kinky.
Did that answer the question?
Probably not. 
I have found a lot of clamps to be awkward and fussy and just getting in the way.
But I stumbled across a guide to nipple clamps, from the blog 

And because I love coming across creative minds, this is a great tutorial on creating a bondage bra using embroidery rings and some rope: 
http://mcncirce.com/bra.html which is really quite ingenious. 

Rope nipple clamp...yeah that's still running through my mind. 




Monday, 15 October 2012

Light and Fun Monday

I am determined to keep it light on l'heure Bleue this week.
(...I can do light...I can, I can)
 This is in part because I am tired of reading my own dramatics, things really aren't horrible, I'm a whole lot less confused and I have a week of coursework to cover in about three hours and a week of work work to catch-up on in about three days. 
Fun. 
Oh and I'm trying not to turn into a huge puddle of mush and tears because Horace and I are separated for the first time in days and won't see a whole lot of each other this week. 
Separation anxiety; its a dismal thing. 
And I refuse to call this 'subdrop' no matter how many times I come across blogs where the submissive is feeling the same way I am right now and has titled it so...the whole term makes me feel as if I am being dropped from a ledge or dropped off somewhere on a country road with no way to return in sight.
Besides, I had never heard of the term until I started reading on the 'net.
 Anyways, this is the funniest piece of commentary I have read in quite awhile. 
17 Shades of Stupid: Cosmo's Worst BDSM Tips it had me laughing out loud and I wanted to pass it on. 

Have a great Monday!



Sunday, 14 October 2012

Softer

Until something out the ordinary happens, I think we're doing fine.
 Sometimes better than fine.
Until something unexpected comes along that shakes up our world a tiny bit, I think I have started to get a handle on controlling my emotions, my reactions, my frustrations---which is all Horace is really asking for, he hasn't asked me to change, he has asked me to manage myself better.
But when this type of interference comes, I take twenty steps back, and I start to over think, and I loose control and I wander around aimlessly, almost convinced that everything is wrong.
 And then I write a blog post about it. Then when it all clears up, I wish I hadn't and I contemplate taking down this blog and simply going back to reading others'.
When I am so caught up in my emotions, due to whatever not-so-earth-shattering news that came, its like, I'm so convinced of my thinking that I can't hear Horace.
 I can't hear him say: everything is all right, we're okay, we're going to figure things out, we always have before and nothing is wrong.
Its in these moments, where I battle for control.
 I really do believe that Horace makes good decisions, he does what is best for us--until we are up against something that causes us interference.
Then I start to think that his decisions aren't right.
I start to think, I could have done it better.
I dig my heels in and tend to point to how it could be better, if only we had done it this way.
And of course, what I really mean is: If I had made the decisions, if we had done it how I wanted it done, because that's the only thing that Horace didn't try..but more often than not, he didn't try it 'my way' because it didn't fit or make any sense. It would be a waste of energy and time.
 As I'm standing in this place, I think its better to throw the baby out with the bathwater.
And its almost as if I cite every reason I can find of why its not working. Which is far from the truth, but lost in my over dramatic reaction to the situation.

I want...I'm trying....I need....still...to take a softer approach. Let go of the defenses and don't go scrambling to put them up because something doesn't go as we planned. Basically, not to throw one continuous tamper-tantrum because something didn't go our way--or the way I wanted it to go.


Friday, 12 October 2012

Friday Fragments: Recovering


This week, both of us have been sick.
 I think that's some kind of married life milestone, we've never been ill at the same time before.
 Mostly because Horace hardly ever gets sick--the last time he was prior to this, was four years ago--usually I'm the one who has been infected with something.
 We've been so sickly that we made chicken noodle soup from a package.
Anyways, enough about that, on to wellness...

A week of hardly being able to move gave me a lot of time to think. And I kept thinking of the last post I wrote, the Wrong Turn post and a part of me wishes I hadn't written it, that the internet and keyboard wasn't so handy in the heat of the moment. So much of what is in there is exaggerated, more to how I was feeling than an actual reflection of reality, will post a reply to that next week.

A side affect of this week, has been I got the break from the system I wanted. And oh yes, did it feel a little strange. And Horace was right. It wasn't a complete doing-a-way-with-D/s.
 The not-being-able-to-do-much--this week also turned my focus back to how much there is in our relationship that is working and how much I wouldn't want to change....really, it is managing the downs against how great the rest of the time is--again, its contrast.

Thank-you for all the comments and messages, I appreciate all of them and thanks for continuing to read.

Wednesday, 10 October 2012

Mauvais Virage

(Still won't be around the blog-o-sphere for a week or so but had to interrupt the scheduled posts because sometimes, I just need to express and this blog is here and all...) 



Je veux être isolée, de penser; pour demander, pour explorer. 
Pour comprendre ce que je veux!
Je me , être en colère contre soi-même...

You know...I try.
When I do something, anything, I fling my whole self at it.
Heart and soul. I can't do things by half.
I can take an absence.
 I can put my 'stuff' on hold.
And this year I've done a lot of that.
 Which has kind of lead to a strange indifference on my part. I just don't feel drawn to anything or motivated. I'm kind of wondering around a little aimlessly trying to figure out my own stuff.

Its hard to write what has happened now, or is happening because I hate to appear to criticize my husband, no matter how I might feel about him in the moment or have people think wrongly..but..
D'accord...here it goes.

Considering what happened this evening or over a course of a few days, something occurred to me. This past summer was a horrible game of hurry-up-and-wait. Things just did not happen, did not come through, did not present themselves the way we had planned. By planned, I mean a whole lot of time and energy went into all of it and it feels like wasted effort. The thing is, I try. I try really hard to be supportive and understanding of my husband's work and various projects.
Most of the time, I genuinely am so. There are times, like at a snooty black-tie thing that I pretend I'm am but at least he knows it, in that instance and I'm being honest in my pretension. Anyways, the point is, I try.
 This being supportive, understanding and trying of his work has meant to put my own stuff on hold. And I was fine with that. Really. Happy to do it.
But now, when I am looking at all of this in pieces and wondering where to go from here, I can't find that stuff I had because its been swallowed up by the aimless-indifference as described above and hidden by these feelings of wasted efforts.
 This post is really about the fact that......

I am really, really disappointed. I feel so let down, crushed even. I feel like all my goodwill and energy has been for naught because the results didn't match up. Again.

And what I realized, tonight during a stupid bid for solitude was I think..maybe there is some trust missing. Trust that was there back before the aimless-indifferent feeling and present when I first put it all on hold, and even there during the long games of hurry up and wait. You see, when he says something, I believe it.
And I believe like I do everything: with my full self.
After one thing not working out, or coming to disprove his words this summer, maybe that's when I faltered, the trust faltered, rather. Because then it was another thing that he said would happen that didn't or he would make work and didn't, and another and another until here we are, on the eve of a REALLY big thing and that didn't work either.
 And I feel so let down, because I trusted and believed that it would. He told me so.

Maintenant, it occurs to me that my recent confusion on the D/s thing might not be because he is asking more of me, but it might be due to this. This faltering trust thing combined with the aimless-indifference thing.
How can I trust his directions?

Truthfully, there have been a few, more than a few decisions recently that I've questioned.
 Even voiced my concerns out loud, protested a couple. But Horace doesn't compromise and it feels as if he always does what he wants to do, despite what I say, if he's made up his mind, he isn't going to change it.
That can be good at times. It can also be incredibly frustrating.

So...maybe its faltering-trust combined with aimless-indifference with a side of not-the-greatest-results-yielding-based-on-decision-making that actually brought me to my confused-submissive place.
 I need to believe him when he tells me something.
I can't not believe him. 
And when he is wrong or it just doesn't happen, I'm so splintered I don't know what to do with myself.
 More confused than ever.

Thanks for reading.

Tuesday, 9 October 2012

Dans l'intervalle: Reader Questions, Family

(I will be absent from blog-land for about a week, with limited access to the net. I thought I would keep it light and in the meanwhile, leave you with some pre-scheduled posts, in which I attempt to reply to questions sent in by readers) 

Reader Question: Have you come out to your family (his or yours) about your lifestyle? If not, do you find it hard to keep it from them or to communicate with them, if you don't talk about your life? 

I have read many articles and blog posts about coming out of the kink closet and I think that is a personal preference.
While we do not hide who we are, our personal philosophy is to live our lives well and not to put how we live-including our life choices, the living-out-of-the-box we do and our 'religion' on anyone.
I talk about those things here but  I do it as I tell my own stories and try to avoid writing in a preachy way.

This question, I guess depends on the kind of relationship you have with your family.
If talking about sex was a regular around the dinner table topic of conversation, I might feel differently.
My family is wonderful, but they are very hands off. The thinking is "We're here if you need us" but other than that, they stay out of our lives and besides, all of them were living their lives long before I came around.
Do I feel the need to tell my elderly parents the fact we live in a D/s dynamic? Absolutely not.
I don't find it hard to keep it from them at all.
 Not a one of them blinks, when I say, "I have to ask Horace first, about that", they just think I'm being a considerate spouse. There have been times, with family situations that Horace has told me to keep out of it because of the stress it would cause me and at times I've used that as my out, as in: "Horace doesn't think I should get involved in this."
And you know what happens? They agree, "Of course, your husband is right."
 I talk about my life with them all the time, well kind of...I can be a private person.
So mostly, I talk to them about their lives: their work, their spouses, their projects, their pets and so on.

Horace's family: oh dear lords, I could have a whole blog just on that subject and I think it would be very cathartic. It hasn't always been easy with that side of things and in the early days, it was really hard and kind of horrible. There are many differences between his family and mine but the core values are the same. However, that family thought from day one that my loyalty should be to them, not him and we've been teaching them ever since, that isn't so or isn't the way. Where my family is very community-thinking-of-the-whole, his family seems to be very individualistic and his siblings seem to have a lot of the 'me' generation in their thinking.
 His family, is taken aback when I say things like, "Sorry no, I can't go into his email to find a copy of the email you think you sent him. I don't have his passwords, even though he has mine", or: "Sorry, I can't tell you if he would want to go out with the guys. I don't speak for him."
Its still a learning process, with them I think.
Even so, with his family I talk about the weather, their lives, their spouses, their work, etc, etc.
 Having said all this, I really do think its a personal choice, to 'come out kinky' or not.
I  just can't imagine doing it without hurting someone we love.


Friday, 5 October 2012

Friday Fragments: Confusion, Breasts and Kink

When Horace and I first made the commitment to this D/s way of living, back when we started merging the elements more into our lives, 24/7...I remember I was exhausted for those first two weeks. 
Not because my husband was asking me to do anything physically demanding. I was feeling exhausted because it was such a change and required a shifting of perspective and focus and attention. 
 I feel like I did then, now: exhausted, a little tattered, a little soul weary. 
It is still confusing in my head and I'm so confused that its hardly worth writing about. 
To simplify it I don't want to vote the same way my husband does, just because he tells me to. 
I've always, very much had my own mind. And I kind of like it.
 Horace isn't asking for me to cast my ballot the same way--but it feels as if he is and I still can't wrap my head around the degrees of separation. 
 In fact, it has been such a stressful week and I've been so confused that I asked Horace if we could take a break from the system. 
He opposed that notion. Mostly because Horace doesn't think we could take a break if we tried and he doesn't think abandoning how we do things will help work through this. I know apart of myself agrees with those thoughts but I need some relief from this confusion. 
 We compromised and took things off my list, which is very good but I'm writing my first exam on Monday (for a course I'm taking, that I haven't told anyone about and would rather not) so I can't help but think he would have done that anyways.
 Still, a compromise is a compromise. 
 It is our (as in Canadian) Thanksgiving this long weekend and it is one of my favourite non-wheel of the year holidays. Holidays without religious connotations? Bring them on. A holiday that promotes being thankful for the insane abundance we really do have? I could celebrate this holiday all month. 
 Yep, I'm well aware I'm ignoring any historical connotations.
Its a nice holiday, I'm trying to leave my cynic in the dark. 


October seems to be the month-of-awareness of so many causes but it is National Breast Cancer Awareness Month. Check those breasts and don't be swayed by the fact you may not be at the suggested age In my very small circle, I know three women under the age of 40 to be affected. 


And on the lighter side (and more appropriate for this blog to be sure) Stockroom.com has declared October as National Kink Month, they are having sales every Monday of October and this weeks'sales are on bondage and anal toys. 

 





In other words: 
Have a thankful-breast-worshiping-kinky-filled weekend!

Tuesday, 2 October 2012

Rings and Collars

I've never been big on wearing jewellery. That indifference might steam from the fact that when I was younger and had my ears pierced, the holes closed up..by themselves, even with the earrings in and was rather painful and unpleasant. It took five attempts over the years for me to end up with pierced years the most recent try coming just before we were married because the jewellery set (a headdress and necklace) came with earrings, those were also made by a friend of mine and this time, the pierced ears have stuck--thankfully.

We know artists and artisans of all manner of trade and elk, and because it would never occur to either one of us to walk into a chain-store for something so personal, Horace designed my engagement ring and had it made. It was made by a very dear friend of his, someone whose advice and friendship made a positive impact on his career and its just that much more significant to me when I look at it. It is sans diamonds, too because I just don't like diamonds...there are prettier and stones richer in meaning out in the world.
 When the wedding ring discussion came up, it was basically the same thing. Except our dear friend who made the engagement ring, had now moved to a part of the world that made working at his craft impossible, never mind the shipping.
 We asked friends for recommendations and discovered a jewelry maker who specialised in rings but they too, lived oceans apart but after several discussions, we all felt it would be possible. Horace, once again took care of the design and again, it was a total surprise to me. I didn't see the ring until it was placed on my finger during the wedding ceremony and it fits perfectly.
His ring on the other hand, ended up being two small.
And for two years we have gone back and forth on this, wondering if we should get a new ring for him made. But he loves the ring, even loves that its too small because its just one of those quirky things, he doesn't want to have it re-sized because it would alter it.
Then, we realised maybe its better that it didn't fit because if Horace wore it, it would probably be more hassle than anything else. He works with his hands, the ring would get in the way.
I started taking a bit of a survey and asked how many men wear (or have) wedding rings.
What we discovered is a lot of men do not wear wedding rings for a variety of reasons. In fact, it wasn't all that long ago that it became a popular notion.
 So now, we are thinking of what to do with Horace's wedding ring.

The idea of a new collar, a more jewellery oriented piece than what we employ now, has been brought up lately. That lead me to thinking about the difference between a wedding ring and a collar, both are symbols of a commitment, after all.
 But here's where I've landed on this and I'm sure there are differing opinions: A wedding ring is given, as a symbol of commitment and love and vows made.
A wedding ring, isn't earned.

Maybe..that's a good way of describing where we are now and what direction Horace is steering us and me in: that of earning the collar.
I've never been comfortable thinking of submission as a "gift".
My submission to my husband is out of love, its because I'm not sure how to be any other way, its so much more than these mere words but to call it a gift, would be like saying love is something that is given or taken based on whether one deserves it and that just doesn't jive with our beliefs.

But I like this idea of earning the collar..I like that it can be a symbol of a further commitment, reflection of our D/s relationship and also a call to where we have been.

Monday, 1 October 2012

Breadcrumbs

We really don't argue over the little things. There is no 'can't you pick up your socks?' versions of tiffs happening in our home. Really, we don't argue at all. We disagree but I'm the one who expresses my feelings in arugmentative tones, while Horace just kind of tunes me out and doesn't go there.
But breadcrumbs caused a version of 'pick-up-your-socks'. 
 Despite the fact I make bread as a hobby and have a freezer full, it is rare for us to eat it. But over the weekend, Horace picked up this spelt/whole/grain/a thousand seeds loaf from the bakery. 
In my opinion, it tasted like cardboard. 
I have two wooden boards, which I use not only to knead dough and form loaves but also to slice the bread. That way, the breadcrumbs stay on the board and I just tip it all into the sink. Keeps the countertops clean, without breadcrumbs getting everywhere.
 Horace had sliced this loaf on a regular size cutting board and breadcrumbs were everywhere. All over the counter, on the ledge, etc which really annoys me. 
 I had finished the dishes, was about the clean down the counters, when I saw the breadcrumbs.
   Then I threw the sponge into the sink. 
Yes, breadcrumbs got to me. But I didn't yell or rant about it, I just made that one action of tossing the sponge into the sink in a little fit of frustration.
 I would have done the exact same thing if Horace wasn't there.
In fact, he wasn't there but had wondered into the kitchen at the exact moment I threw the sponge. 
"Go kneel" Horace instructed. 
I glared at him, was about to protest and he shook his head. 
In my head, I was protesting really loudly (what? why? I didn't do anything) but by the time I got down the hall, a new mantra had entered my head (Trust. Relax. Submit.) and I kneeled on the floor, hearing Horace finish up in the kitchen.
"Can you give me an example where breadcrumbs ever caused anyone you know serious injury?"
My husband asked five minutes later. He is sitting on the couch, I'm kneeling in front of him. 
I start to laugh. 
"Actually, I'm not sure if you've hard of Hansel and Gretel?"
"I thought you would cite that tale.." 
And I was off on a tangent, spinning my own tale about breadcrumbs and Hansel and Gretel and Horace was encouraging this by asking questions: "If you are the one who brought the story back, how come you didn't get the rights?"
"We really didn't care about rights back then. It was more important to consider food and lodging" 
"So you sold the tale to the Grimm's for a pie?"
"Yes, that's about right." 
I've gone from kneeling, to literally rolling on the floor in laughter and Horace is laughing too and this is one of those things about my husband I appreciate: his ability to diffuse any situation. 
He could have reminded me, that when he asks me to do something, then I am expected to do it without making a fuss about it, he could have been all stern and lecturing and pointed to this as an example of my overreactions--the very thing we are working on, heck he could have brought up the fact that in the original tale, it was pebbles not breadcrumbs. 
 And he did do all of that but the approach he used was better and accomplished more than if he had been all stern and lecturing. 
I know we are headed somewhere new in our relationship. 
Horace has asked for more from me and right now, things are pretty confused-okay, there is a lot of confusion-- in my head but it is good to know that even with what we are figuring out right now, where we are going...it is still us.
 It makes it easier to have faith in the new mantra: trust, relax, submit
I'm doing my best to follow the trail of breadcrumbs.