Monday, 31 December 2012

Ten Years Ago

"You're a modern girl and I'm an old fashioned fool"

The perfect New Year's Eve for me...had always been spending it with a childhood friend but as life marched on and we stopped the tradition, it was spending a quiet night at home, writing. I thought it was a great way to start the New Year by doing what I love. 
 I'm not one for parties, noises or crowds. 
  That was before there was a 'we' however and it was ten years ago...

It was our third or fourth date. 
He was late. 
That only gave me more time to fret--I changed outfits twice--from a skirt to a pair of leathery pants..I was worried I was overdressed. 
And in the back of my mind, I wondered about the sanity of this plan. 
I didn't know this bloke all that well. 
But it felt like we had been friends forever and I clung to that thought.
He had invited me to a New Year Eve's would be our first night spent together. 

Finally, he arrived to pick me up. 
I asked him if I was overdressed-
He said, "You're not over dressed at all. You're prefect." 
Off we meet his friends. 

Later, I found out, these were the really good group of friends, the crowd you've known the longest, the impressive ones. 
At the restaurant, he ordered for us. 
I even ate the mushrooms on the gourmet pizza, then we went to the party.

It wasn't so crowded at the party. It was a lot of conversation and laughter. 
In fact, it was my kind of thing. 
We kissed when the hour changed 
And that was the first night I spent in his arms. 
We've been flipping the calendar together ever since...

He will always be late--but he will always come through.
And I have gotten used to feeling overdressed.
He still orders for us. 
Though I've long since come clean about hating mushrooms.
That night was amazing and we've had many amazing nights since...
He still tells me, "You're perfect" 
 I'm looking forward to the next ten years...because
Each year, it has only gotten better and better and I hope this is our best year yet

Happy New Year to you and yours! May you have whatever it is your heart desires!

Friday, 28 December 2012

Friday Fragments: Sleepy Giggles

Before I share a snippet of life with you, I wanted to mention that I have updated the link roll ---> replacing some websites that haven't been updated in a very long time with newer ones I've come across and love to read. If you are on the list and don't want to be, please let me know and I'll remove the link. Likewise, if you've included my little corner of the web on your list and I haven't returned the kindness, do let me know.

It has been such a string of happy days and a most relaxing time, I don't really want to go to far into what happened yesterday--besides it all turned out well enough.
 But the side affects of spending a lot of time with each other where the Dominance/submission dynamic was in full action and then suddenly, not having it there...hit me rather hard. This was further complicated by...believing one thing and the disappointment of that not coming through.
 But I mention it because, you know how I've been trying to wrangle those emotions? To feel but not react? Yesterday I got it--haven't quite processed this fully--but I'm happy its all working. And Horace is especially pleased and that's what counts.

We were in bed, Horace was under the covers and I was laying on top. A little ritual, Horace termed 'tuck in spank' and I can't remember when this first started, it seems like its been present for a long time.
Anyways, Horace started spanking me.
And I giggled.
So many half-thoughts went through my head all in a furry.
"What are you doing?" my husband asked.
He swatted me again and I couldn't answer because now it was a full onslaught of giggles and I had to move out of position to come up for air.
"Are you done?" Horace asked, his hand around my neck but softly.
"Yes". I wasn't lying, I thought I was finished.
I reached up and tickled him and then we had this tickling match going on.
"All right! You really need those tuck in spanks now.."
I looked at Horace and thought he looked tired and its one of those things; one of you is tired and the other isn't...I even asked if he wanted to get up and go out.
"No. I need sleep. Not a word."
Horace spanked me, finally getting in his tuck-in swats and I crawled under the coves next to him and put my head on his chest. I thought of how relaxed we both feel here in the new hovel home and Horace drifted off to sleep and I read but I was still thinking so many the fading of safewords, a stereotypical dominant personality, the conclusions or judgments people make when they see us as a couple and how very grateful I am that my husband chose so well in moving us here--all topics I'm sure I'll get around to writing more about and I too slept.

Thanks for Reading!

Image source: Google image search 'Life is Supposed to Be Fun'

Wednesday, 26 December 2012

Wishes Fulfilled

(Holiday greetings to you and yours! I hope you've had a wonderful, peaceful time and wish you all the very best in the coming days as the calendar flips) 

“It is like we are at the lake.”
One of us remarks, when we open our new door.

These really have been a string of amazing days. And to be honest, I guess it did start at the lake, two years ago when we were married.
You see, we did it how we wanted to.
 A little unconventionally, with a lot of creativity and heart. 
There was no stress, no fuss and the whole thing included a week honeymoon at the lake.

And there...after the ceremony, after everyone went home, it was an incredible week.
 Magick, even.
It was peaceful and tranquil.
Harmonious and calm.
We spent time with each other every day, we explored, wondered, had a few good adventures and relaxed.
We set forth intentions for the future.
Mainly, to have those feelings, that state of being that we had that week, throughout our every day.

Mostly, we succeed.
Even with the bumps and the stress and the wrong turns.
When there is a disruption, it hits us both hard because it really isn't our norm...

But the last few weeks have been the opposite of all those pretty words. Its been stressful. Though this is a culmination of a long period of time, with input and thoughts and opinions from me, my husband moved us forward, to a better place, situating us in a more improved state. 
  It was the from there to here that was messy.
I was resistant, even though I went willingly and saw the reason—I didn't expect the emotional pull uprooting our lives for the bigger picture and greater good caused. 
This move was a huge change; we are simplifying our lives based on those intentions made but it wasn't a simple, easy process.
We got through it.

These past few weeks...have been amazing. 
Magick, even.
It hasn't been all sunshine and roses but the lake effect has been felt throughout. 
Even with the bumps.
Our new hovel home is a beautiful space.
 It is a sanctuary and even when it all tips to the other side, there is still the lake effect in the atmosphere.

Holidays approached. 
Typically, we have more of an affinity for creating experiences than the traditional gift exchanges. 
Besides, we are at that point where we need stuff for the home and opportunities to travel are higher on the list.
It was a bit of a surprise when my husband suggest we do the exchanging gifts thing this year, he said it would be simpler what with the move and he thought it would be fun; we haven't done it for awhile.

Our holidays start on December 21st—it is our tradition to celebrate the Winter Solstice.
This year, my husband took me out for a lovely dinner.
If we aren't doing the experience/adventuring thing, we exchange one gift here; which we did this year. Something fun and light.
Solstice was awesome. Time together, in our own cocoon.

Christmas started to approach.
Caused some family drama this year; we are the ones who usually host dinner.
And we are the ones who go and chase after everyone else...but
My husband decided, “Enough of this”.
And told everyone if they wanted to see us, they were more than welcome to drop by.

It was a gorgeous day. Relaxing, calm and serene.
We spent time at home, made a fantastic breakfast.
Relatives dropped by throughout the afternoon.

We had good doses of sex.
In the evening, we took a stroll to our new downtown.
The streets were quiet and still.
Dinner was a snack at a Persian restaurant.

We walked home, in the cold.
Both of us thought this was a perfect way to spend the holidays and my husband decided from now on, we would do it just like this.

Tranquil, peaceful, magick, even.
My husband gave me a little gift. And I wanted to share.

“My love, you deserve this and you have earned it.”

It feels good to be owned.

Wednesday, 19 December 2012

Dominant Maturity

“Immature love says: “I love you because I needy you.”
Mature love says: “I need  you because I love you.”
-Erich Fromm

I've been thinking about maturity of late, in several aspects.
Maturity of trust in our relationship, emotional maturity and what I've thought of as 'Dominant Maturity'.

Trust, love, loyalty all take time to develop and grow. On the days when all is going smoothly, I believe we've hit a certain maturity in our relationship, one that kind of feels like an old comfy sweater but somehow is still new.
The other day, I was talking to a woman who has been married for forty years. I told her we've been married for two but it still feels new. She told me that's a key element to a happy marriage; that it still has that new feeling. As she talked to me about her husband, her face lit up and she became more animated; clearly this woman is still in love and talks about her husband with a little bit of wonder and amazement.

Physical trust has always been easier for me to hand over than emotional trust. When it comes to physical-ness, my attitude has kind of been; “just give back my body mostly in one piece when you are done with it” as my thinking or beliefs are more defined in this area.
I think we have emotional trust—we let each other be in the space of our relationship
But to be honest, I think I am still working on the emotional maturity.
Horace, I'm convinced came out emotionally mature.

I think of emotions as some kind of guiding point and live by them.
  It is the part of learning how to control the reactions emotions can cause that I'm still learning. Working through emotions and feelings is how I process almost everything and if it stopped there, it would be fine.
But it doesn't always stop there; sometimes I take those messy emotions and put them on Horace's lap.
There is a difference in living by how something makes me feel than reacting or giving into the frustrations (and believe me, this world can be a very frustrating place for me) and emotions the situations cause to arise; like reacting defensively to good advice from a well-meaning friend.
Really working on this and Horace is being his usual patient self and helping me along--that isn't to say he allows me to get away with throwing emotions about--but he realizes this is something I have to wrangle with for myself.

Through many years of our relationship, Horace has always been the patient one, though he brought up the concept of living D/s 24-7 often, he never pressured me into it but kept trying ideas on for size and gave me time to explore and a lot of breathing room.
And because I was given that room and latitude to explore, I think the transition was a lot smoother. Horace took into consideration what I had identified as needing/wanting and came up with a plan or structure based on that comfort level but also with what he needed/wanted (again; all of this developed through trial and error and years of knowing each other).
A few months ago, when Horace changed the game ever so slightly, it threw me for quite awhile.
But now, I realize it was because he recognized we were growing; both him and I and our relationship and it needed tweaks to the structure. I also think now, this is part of Horace maturing as a Dominant.
He is much more dominantly now than he was nine years ago and just as I feel I have grown being a submissive, I think he has grown being a Dominant; skill sets based on what we need as a couple and individuals, a mixing of meeting needs and compromising. Dominant Maturity, like all other types of maturing, looks to be an evolving aspect.
I would love to read the opinions of others on this...just saying.

This whole post pretty much wraps up what has been on this blog, up until now.
Always wondering about these topics, trying to work through them and figure it out and trying to learn and grow from what we have done before and my mistakes.
In the “New Year”, I hope to continue to share with you more reflections because this-submissive-wife-thing isn't always easy and this has been a wonderful space to vent, rant and rave, I hope to post more erotica writings, I hope to share with you more authors and books of an erotic nature and to post more erotica art.
It is an evolutionary process of maturing as l'heure bleue carries on. 
              Hope you'll continue to read along.; it has been a pleasure having you over.
Thanks for visiting. 

Monday, 17 December 2012

From the Journals: Breaking and Forming

(While unpacking, a few old journals were discovered--writings from a much younger Bleaume. Thought I would lightly revamp and edited a few entries and use them as posts-fodder can be found anywhere) 

When you have always been on the outside, of the innermost circle looking in, it is hard to extend the trust it takes to form those bonds. 
The longing for what I have seen, is intense and some days it consumes. Ties of friendship that run deep, the interesting mystic-like souls who stand in an array and most of all: the darting look across a room and the instant response; the confidence with which she went, willingly and without doubt--no words were exchanged a quiet gesture, and I wouldn't have seen it if I hadn't been...well standing on the outside looking in, the way her body is always slightly leaning towards his--that is a different kind of connection and I want to be brave enough to experience it.

 You can't live life in pursuit of only one relationship, one friendship, one connection--that demand would be too much and I know, if I want a little of what I've seen, I have to let go of the bonds that have held me; but you are the only person that has ever recognised me, soul-deep. 
 But...we are in this time and place--if it was different, maybe. If we were born differently and into roles that weren't formed as keeper and kept, perhaps. 
 This is new--these longings and desires, this perception that makes me believe I want to be taken care of, with a firm hand leading me. If I go, the breaking of the connection would destroy me.
 It is learning to take a little of the bond that has been my security and going forward--at least I think it is the way, the only way I can go and see if it is possible for me, the fulfilment of these desires. 

Art Credit and Usage 

Friday, 14 December 2012

Friday Fragments: Quotes from the Blogosphere

This is my 100th post! If only I had chosen a better topic.
 Maybe I'll celebrate my 100th post next week..and I'll try to think of something creative. Surely you don't want 100 facts about me, right? I'm open to suggestions.

I'll be honest with all of you and admit, I'm trying to distract myself this evening and I'm trying not to pout.
 I will put in about three hours of work, some house tidying and then have a nice smooth drink.
 You see, this evening, there is a community kink event happening and I wanted to go.
I really wanted to go. Having just moved here, it would be nice to know a few souls and like-minded ones at that and Horace is always encouraging me to get out there more and now that I want to...I can't...its just some sort of cruel irony.
Horace is busy and will be out late this evening and there is no way I would be allowed to attend something like this on my own (maybe if we knew other people there, maybe if there were close friends there, maybe if it wasn't the first introduction) so here I am, at home....*pouts*...right trying not to...
 Why don't I just go anyway? Surely none of you are thinking that...and if you are, you haven't read enough around these parts. 

Anyways, there are several things that caught my attention from a few blogs this week and I would like to draw your attention to them and add my own commentary.

If you are a fan of books, erotica and hot reads, there is a Candy Cane Kink Blog Hop going on featuring TONS of talented authors—I found out from Patricia Green (don't you love new readers and comment-leavers?) and you can get all the info on the hop by visiting this post:

Know thyself. It is often said, etched in stone and repeated advice, isn't it? Back in the day, when I was active in the pagan community, I gave at least one version of that tenet at every workshop, community event and session I helped run or hosted. It is the first rule and the only one that matters (I always thought). 
It's a life-long study.
You hear this advice too, while reading through kink/BDSM related things. How can you engage in submission or play or kink if you don't know what you can handle, your reactions, your limits, your capabilities, etc? Lil has an excellent post this week and you can find it here:
I loved the quote Lil included:

Self-conquest is really self-surrender. Yet before we can surrender ourselves we must become ourselves. For no one can give up what he does not possess."
-- Thomas Merton

June wrote a hauntingly beautiful post, here: I've heard it said 'perhaps the world would be a better place if there was no unwanted children' and I've always cringed at the black and whiteness of that statement. It's what you do with whatever beginning you were given that matters. June's post brought to mind this quote:

"It doesn't happen all at once," {said the Skin Horse}. "You become. It takes a long time. That's why it doesn't happen often to people who break easily, or have sharp edges, or who have to be carefully kept. Generally, by the time you are Real, most of your hair has been loved off, and your eyes drop out and you get loose in the joints and very shabby. But these things don't matter at all, because once you are Real you can't be ugly, except to people who don't understand."~The Velveteen Rabbit

And because....I want to go out tonight....

“To days of inspiration, playing hooky, making something out of nothing
The need to express, to communicate
To going against the grain, going insane, going mad
To loving tension, no pension, to more than one dimension
To starving for attention hating convention, hating pretension...”
~RENT (“La Vive Boheme”)

Have a great weekend! Thanks for Reading!

Thursday, 13 December 2012

Morning at the Hovel

Last night, Horace sent me to stand in the corner.
I had said a word—not a swear word—but a word he really dislikes hearing. It is on the list of things not to say and goes to how he doesn't want his wife to behave.
I know the rule. It's a pretty old one.
But I was frustrated, overwhelmed and tired.
The last couple of weeks have been emotionally draining and I am finding it harder than I thought I would living out of boxes and bags and our routines totally up in the air. The stress got to me. Over this time, there hasn't been a lot of exchanges that are D/s.
I mean, its not like we took a break from it or put it on hold, its just it kind of fell into the background while we were in this hectic sphere. our conversations were mostly made up of exchanging to-do-list's. So its been there, because it has always been there but the action part of it and the every day intimacy that forms that structure hasn't been completely present.
Personally, I think this is something that both of us will get better at in time, as this side of our relationship continues to grow and mature.

Being in the corner, is an effective correction/punishment because I will avoid corner time. It is something that always yields the desired affect: of bringing me back to submission or centre and bringing the point home of what I did to end up there wasn't acceptable. I don't like it, not even a little bit. Normally, Horace might have let saying this word go with a simple reminder or a gentler correction but as explained to me, while I was standing in the corner, with my arms stretched over my head, he thought it was time to reestablish the cadre (a really nifty french word, meaning 'framework'). Horace also reminded me that good behaviour—following the rules, doing what he wants, acting in the way that pleases him—leads to rewards of his attention and affection, leads to kinky play and trying out things I may like while the opposite of all that ends up with the withdrawal of his attentions, affection and depending on how severe the infraction, punishment.

Horace left me, standing there, in silence for awhile. When he came to fetch me, he hugged me and asked if I was all right (really, if I 'got' it) and we went on with our evening. There was no spanking or play that followed this and to even stretch the point out further, later on Horace asked me to go down on him but without giving me any pleasure.

Horace was right, in all of this. I had been 'missing the collar' over the last few weeks and I needed to feel his authority, to be reminded of our cadre and I needed to see it in action.

This morning, Horace asked me to get up with him (most of the time, he likes his mornings by himself. While I'm awake, I usually stay tucked away in the bedroom, reading over work notes or responding to emails, until Horace is ready to leave for work--| start my work day later) and warm him up some pie. I obliged—even though having been awakened really early in the morning by construction, I was still sleepy and the last thing I wanted to do was go into the kitchen-- and was rewarded with hugs and kisses and being told, “good girl”.
Give and take and the freedom to choose the consequences and knowing where the line is, feeling the structure of our cadre once again, is marvelous.

Monday, 3 December 2012

A Side of Laughter

It is like he--Horace, my husband-- has the ability to quickly take a snapshot of the situation and the personalities involved, then process that information and come up with the right thing which will dissolve the conflict.
 It's a pretty neat trait. Even when it works against you.
 There really isn't much that rattles him, he's calm and collected and cool and just goes with the flow. 
Years ago, after a small car-accident--where no one was hurt and it really wasn't anyone's fault--but Horace's car had damage to the headlights and front, I went to meet him, asked if he was all right and he assured me he was. 
Then he suggested we go for ice cream.
And we did. 
I, of course, was more upset about he was about the whole thing and wanted to know why and how it happened and Horace's comments were along the lines of, "Sometimes there isn't a reason and its no one's fault." 

I can be way too serious a lot of the time and Horace can find the playfulness or fun, no matter the situation. 
This past weekend, I was miffed at him. Just a tiny bit.
Not angry but just a little above annoyed.
And I was mostly miffed because it was a tiny thing I wanted wrangled into a box right then and there and Horace didn't agree.
A little thing in the scheme of things and I think it is impossible not to occasionally feel irritated at your spouse.
 I spent a few minutes being grumpy. 

He put his arm around my shoulders and I-kind of playfully shrugged it off. 
 "What? You don't like this arm? I've had it as long as I've known you..." 

I tried to hold on, for argument's sake.
 Couldn't help it and burst into laughter.
 Then I apologised for my mood and our day got better.