When I met Horace, I wasn't looking for anything. I wasn't looking for a relationship or a fling or a play partner or anything of a romantic nature.
At that time, I had just picked up the pieces and got my head firmly fixated back on. It was one of those things, you know? I was happy. I was clear-minded. I felt secure in the circle I had and I was looking forward to taking the next step.
I met him by accident because I was looking for someone else. It's a great irony, actually.
Granted, while I had experiences and interests explored, I didn't know how to define what I was, at that time. And that is probably why I didn't go looking in the 'kink scene', it didn't occur to me, I didn't have the labels of "submissive" or "kinky" to apply (oh--and did I mention, I wasn't looking? I was happy with where I was and who I was).
But what the typical “vanilla” scenery drives home, is finding someone of character, someone whose morals match ours or at least a certain compatibility. Vanilla has taught us that a strong foundation of friendship is a good formation of a romantic relationship to have. We, after all live in the world of vanilla and that is where most of us have had relationships modeled around us in this fashion from the time out of the womb.
That's not to say, a great relationship can't form by only taking root in the kink world, first or it is impossible to find a potential mate with acceptable traits and good character. I don't want to imply that at all. I'm merely speaking from my experiences and perhaps giving food for thought, hang with me.
But I do think sometimes there is a glamour or illusion with the 'scene'. Its perfectly fine, for someone to define who they want to be with by set of parameters based on what they want to submit to or who they want to submit to--its fine, really it is. Its fine to say, “I want an experienced Dominant who is nine feet tall”. I can't help but think that line of thought is a little bit shallow, but I do get it.
If you are looking for anything beyond a casual encounter or play, if you have a desire to set up hearth and home, things like emploability and if they pay their bills and taxes on time are going to matter, eventually.
He may wield a flogger wickedly but will he be there when life comes and disrupts your world?
And if you close the door to the vanilla world, as it were, if you set off with some sort of list based on the illusions and what you think you know, you have narrowed the pool from which you are looking considerably and you might miss someone really great.
There are a lot of us who have learnt our D/s relationship together, over time and a relationship belongs only to the two people who are in it and are creating it day by day.
Maybe, don't be so quick to overlook the nice guy who is wearing work boots and a hockey jersey because he doesn't scream “ Dominant” at you or doesn't have a six pack.
Physical-ness, to a large degree is easier to manipulate than personality. It is a lot easier to loose a few pounds (or learn to accept, love and live with it) than it is try and change someone so that they are nicer, kinder, or that they stop coming home late.
Concentrate more on character and traits, than discarding someone because they have brown hair or are 5'3.
Goodness! If Horace had a set of physical parameters that he wanted in a woman, he would have never looked twice at me—or past my physical limitations.
Mind you, I've never felt like thanking him for doing so because that would be like me thanking him for not having blond hair, but I've felt awfully blessed that he was a man of such character, those small things didn't matter. Heart, head and soul is what he set out to learn about.
There are many circumstances where the man of ones dreams has also become the Dominant of ones dreams and if you are quick to slam the door of the populace shut, you may miss out on that chance to evolve to the place where you become and are the women and submissive of their dreams--not to mention a romance that grows stronger and more intense each year due to the strong foundations it was built upon.
We become who our desires cause us to be and who we think we are.
( I wrote this after reading two posts Sir J featured on his blog and the ensuing comments, it isn't a response but merely what came to mind.