Wednesday, 30 January 2013

Finding Kink in the Strength of Vanilla

When I met Horace, I wasn't looking for anything. I wasn't looking for a relationship or a fling or a play partner or anything of a romantic nature.
At that time, I had just picked up the pieces and got my head firmly fixated back on. It was one of those things, you know? I was happy. I was clear-minded. I felt secure in the circle I had and I was looking forward to taking the next step.
I met him by accident because I was looking for someone else. It's a great irony, actually.

Granted, while I had experiences and interests explored, I didn't know how to define what I was, at that time. And that is probably why I didn't go looking in the 'kink scene', it didn't occur to me, I didn't have the labels of "submissive" or "kinky" to apply (oh--and did I mention, I wasn't looking? I was happy with where I was and who I was).

But what the typical “vanilla” scenery drives home, is finding someone of character, someone whose morals match ours or at least a certain compatibility. Vanilla has taught us that a strong foundation of friendship is a good formation of a romantic relationship to have. We, after all live in the world of vanilla and that is where most of us have had relationships modeled around us in this fashion from the time out of the womb.

That's not to say, a great relationship can't form by only taking root in the kink world, first or it is impossible to find a potential mate with acceptable traits and good character. I don't want to imply that at all.  I'm merely speaking from my experiences and perhaps giving food for thought, hang with me.

But I do think sometimes there is a glamour or illusion with the 'scene'. Its perfectly fine, for someone to define who they want to be with by set of parameters based on what they want to submit to or who they want to submit to--its fine, really it is. Its fine to say, “I want an experienced Dominant who is nine feet tall”. I can't help but think that line of thought is a little bit shallow, but I do get it.

If you are looking for anything beyond a casual encounter or play, if you have a desire to set up hearth and home, things like emploability and if they pay their bills and taxes on time are going to matter, eventually. 
He may wield a flogger wickedly but will he be there when life comes and disrupts your world?

And if you close the door to the vanilla world, as it were, if you set off with some sort of list based on the illusions and what you think you know, you have narrowed the pool from which you are looking considerably and you might miss someone really great.

There are a lot of us who have learnt our D/s relationship together, over time and a relationship belongs only to the two people who are in it and are creating it day by day.
Maybe, don't be so quick to overlook the nice guy who is wearing work boots and a hockey jersey because he doesn't scream “ Dominant” at you or doesn't have a six pack.

Physical-ness, to a large degree is easier to manipulate than personality. It is a lot easier to loose a few pounds (or learn to accept, love and live with it) than it is try and change someone so that they are nicer, kinder, or that they stop coming home late.

Concentrate more on character and traits, than discarding someone because they have brown hair or are 5'3.
Goodness! If Horace had a set of physical parameters that he wanted in a woman, he would have never looked twice at me—or past my physical limitations.
Mind you, I've never felt like thanking him for doing so because that would be like me thanking him for not having blond hair, but I've felt awfully blessed that he was a man of such character, those small things didn't matter. Heart, head and soul is what he set out to learn about.

There are many circumstances where the man of ones dreams has also become the Dominant of ones dreams and if you are quick to slam the door of the populace shut, you may miss out on that chance to evolve to the place where you become and are the women and submissive of their dreams--not to mention a romance that grows stronger and more intense each year due to the strong foundations it was built upon.
We become who our desires cause us to be and who we think we are.

( I wrote this after reading two posts Sir J featured on his blog and the ensuing comments, it isn't a response but merely what came to mind.

Tuesday, 29 January 2013

Very Inspired Blogger

So there is this Very Inspiring Blogger Award that is making the rounds and Lil at Submissive Sanctuary was kind enough to give me the nod (thanks lil!)

Here are the rules: 

1. Display the award logo on your blog. 
2. Link back to the person who nominated you.
3. Nominate fifteen other bloggers for this award and link to them.
4. Notify those bloggers of the nomination and the awards requirements.

5. List 7 things about yourself 

It tickles me to no end that a bunch of self-proclaimed submissive women are having a rather hard time playing by the rules of someone else. Seriously, I find that hilarious. 
 Anyone on my blogroll is there because I find what they say to be thought-provoking and inspiring. Feel free to join the fun if you haven't been tagged by someone else. 
 And for my own twist on this...I thought I would share with you some things about all know about me. 

1. Horace has a gigantic family: Seriously they could inhibit their own island, quite easily. One of his grandmothers bore 22 children, the other had 12. There are aunts and uncles and cousins and now the cousins are having cousins and even after all these years, I still can't get who-belongs-to-who-right. I used to just ask, "Who do you belong to?" And the cousin would tell me but now of course, its more complicated as they all have spouses and children of their own and in answer to that question will name their other half or one of their offspring. 

2. Horace does everything easily, effortlessly and truthfully, when you are someone like me, who has struggled to do the most basic things, this can be mildly annoying.  

3. He is calm and laid back, quietly confident and assertive but I think because he is so laid back at times, people overlook him. And that's a mistake that often comes back to bite them--especially in a professional context. 

4. Horace has traveled rather extensively but doesn't like to talk about it often. 

5. Horace is good with animals---and its been a long running 'debate' of ours who I fell in love with first, him or his dog. I'm still not telling. 

6. His copious amount of patience also makes him very good with small geesling. He is a much-loved and adored uncle. 

7. He is the one who will shovel the walkways of the neighbours, or will always give money for the kids' fundraising efforts. 

8. Having lived in other places, he really believes Canada is a damn fine place to live and in many ways, he is a very typical Canadian. 

9. Horace has the brain for math and languages and can compose music in his head and pick up languages very easily (example of number #2). He speaks French and German fluently, knows enough Dutch to get by and a smattering of many other languages. 

10. To see how he is a Dominant, you would probably have to look twice. Most people are too caught up in themselves and their perceptions to bother looking twice. But I'm glad I did. 

11. He is very good at reading people and especially good at discerning my weaknesses and in that dom-ly way using them against me. 

12. He loves anything related to aircraft (planes, history, etc) and has a fascination with the Lancaster. 

13. Horace has a love for and of pop-culture and I simply don't get this one. 

14. Horace makes friends easily and keeps them forever. He is still in touch with friends of his childhood, highschool and college friends. 

15. Horace is very logical and literal. If I say, "oh that will be done in about twenty minutes" He expects it to be done in twenty minutes, exactly.
When I say twenty minutes, I could mean anything from fifteen to half an hour. 

So there you have it, a little bit of my other half. Who knows? Maybe one day he'll write something on here. 

Monday, 28 January 2013

It Always Works Out

It is all right for me to have moments of confusion, even if feeling confused is hard for me to deal with at times.
It is all right for me to question and wonder and compare and to be on information overload, because though I may have had moments of confusion, I'm not actually confused within our D/s relationship.

The confusion helps in a way because it shows me how far I've come, really and it leads to clearer insights.
It's okay for me to feel a little overwhelmed and at times, to still feel like I'm a complete and utter novice at this— especially when I get tripped up over what we do, how it works for us in comparison to what society says it should be or what I read from others versions of a D/s relationship.

TTWD isn't always easy and sometimes it isn't easy having a blog—where I've been so intimate and out there with my feelings.
I am happy that in this confusion, I talked to Horace about it all and while I might have been emotional, I didn't give in to the emotions to react to what I was feeling, but took the bounce of the emotions.

I think its okay to put my foot in my mouth occasionally (I know, i have some explaining to do on the 'aftercare' issue and heck, it was probably better I didn't go there on one hand, on the other....someone asked and why not?) and its okay if I occasionally get tied up in worrying and questioning because I might worry and fret about the issues that come up but I don't worry about us. And I don't question him.

I think the grace of a D/s relationship, is being able to take all of this: the confusion, the worry, the questioning, the moments of doubt and give it over to the D.
“I can't make sense of anything, right now, take this jumbled up pile from me, please” and if you are lucky for them to be confident enough to weather these moments, they might laugh at you-gently-- and then tell you they are considering implementing a 'no worry rule.'

I like what we are creating, within our marriage. And I kind of like that to some, through sharing it all here, it seems more extreme than what is present in their households. It is kind of a neat contrast.

And I like to read what is going on with everyone else who shares because whether you have a D/s structure with elements of S&M, or it  is Domestic Discipline or a relationship where the roles I'm used to are switched, I have learned so much from the sharing in blogland.

And whatever you are doing in your household, in your marriage does not affect the sacredness of my marriage or the harmony of our household.

Thank-you to the good blogging friends who were patient with me through this little spin of confusion and all who flogged me with kindness. 

(And if I decide to again close comments or take the blog down, you all would understand, right?) 

Saturday, 26 January 2013

On Request: Aftercare and Consent (SSC)

I apologize to everyone I have had a conversation with this week and count myself unbelievably lucky to have such amazing friends in my circle.
 When I'm doubting everything and doubting myself, when I'm feeling that everything I am trying to express isn't coming across or is wrong...I can go to these kindred and talk myself out; often repeatedly, sometimes defensively, but I'm met with understanding, compassion and love.

Anyways, it has been brought to my attention---isn't it amazing that I can close off comments to this blog but I can't close off communication about this blog-- I haven't been doing a good enough job of bringing home the "Safe Sane and Consensual" thinking. I get that curious readers and people who are new or have an interest in BDSM-ness often find there way here; I don't think its my job to educate but I will admit, simply, I've gotten a little lazy. I haven't stated, for example, "The following whether real or fiction takes places between consenting adults, with safety and soundness of mind" or whatever I used to occasionally throw in there at the beginning of a blog post.
 If it needs to be said --and I guess it does every now and then--Anything Horace has ever done, does or will do, involves my absolute consent, with all kinds of safety measures in place and acting in sound mind.

Now, what I'm going to say next, makes a mess of all of that.

We've been together for many years. We know each other. As best friends, as husband and wife. Overtime, limits have faded and it has been a long time since we've actually sat down and mapped out a scene or negotiated anything.
Consent has faded over time; "consensual non-consensual" I guess, if I absolutely had to label it, is how I would.

 He knows what I'm capable of. He knows when to push me and when to say "No" and when to protect me from myself. He knows what I like, what I fear and what I run from.
 He can push those boundaries but he will never go over them or put me in a place that my physical and mental safety is at risk. But this took a lot of time (I feel the need to stress that) and a lot of miles in our relationship to reach.
 What I wish I knew, eons ago, before Horace, was things like besides the safeword, safe noises and safe gestures, I didn't because I was never as well educated as I thought on the subjects. 

That's my unhelpful little statement on SSC.

 I have pretty much outright scoffed at some commonly used labels on this blog, I know. I'm just not comfortable with the "subdrop/subspace" lingo, though that doesn't mean I don't believe or have my experiences with those.
 But aftercare.
It drives me crazy because I think there is a lot of good information out there and a lot of bad information that basically paints the submissive as being a helpless, somewhat victim so maybe that's why I haven't touched on it before.
 Coming back to reality is important, cooling down is important, for both the submissive and Dominant.

But really, I have never read or heard anything on aftercare that says this,
"Leave the girl alone, isolated in a dark room and walk away"
Generally speaking, all the advice advises not to do that.
And that's the real reason I haven't talked about it because, as you can see, I have nothing of value to add.
What works for me, will probably not work for you.

 Do your research, become informed, ask questions, know thyself. 
Be safe, with lots of consent and of sound mind. 

Here is some actual information: 

Submissive Guide: The link to their whole lexicon on Aftercare:

Submissive Guide: The link to all tags 'SSC':

Fantastic post from Lil that touches on these two things and so much else.
The post is entitled: "I Want My Wife or Girlfriend to Submit, and How to Dominate A Submissive Woman":

Smart, well-written post from Ward and June on a well balanced power exchange and how it looks:

Questions? Comments? My inbox is always open. 

Friday, 25 January 2013

Friday Fragments: Celebrating

I am guilty of living a lot in my head and sometimes only more than a spank will get me out of my head, to stop thinking and over-thinking and for me to feel that all is well, everything has been reset and sometimes, it is simply what he wants.

Something like this...

Lying on the floor, his feet spreading apart my checks, his toes in places that toes usually aren't, whipped hard and fast with a strip of leather, almost hitting climax and being pulled to a stop before I o; quickly he is on top of me, a fistful of hair wrapped around his wrist, he is screwing me hard and fast and I'm gushing and asking for more.
Our squishy liquids are covering the blanket pallet and just when I thought that was it, he fists his hand, throws me down, comes over in front of me, says 'Open' and I greedily lick his fingers.
He flips me over, the thin leather finding its mark, hurting my swollen lips, tears are forming at my eyes and I'm asking for more because all of this is pleasing him.
And that's all I want to do.

He is talking, slapping, objectifying, humiliating and degrading me and this is what we call an expression of our love, the living vows in play, the bonds of trust.

And—apparently--its how Horace wanted to celebrate good news.


Maybe part of the reason why I've scaled back on interaction (read: closed comments) is because I just haven't been feeling comfortable in the blogsphere. Not comfortable sharing moments like these or voicing my strong-opinions or...I don't know. Its a lot of little things here and there and I'm trying to work through it all as it arises.
If you've been reading, thank-you!

Wednesday, 23 January 2013

Counting Stars

  It can actually be a wise use of energy, if done with some conscious thought; according to some (there is a whole spiritual practice based on this concept, it is called 'wishcraft') and it can be so much more than candles on a cake: it can be an ice breaker, a "so what if this were so?' segue way  it can be a way to express a joyful moment. 
   But when you find yourself with a gaggle of women, who are all wishing that their husbands/significant-others/whomevers, were different or could change----you simply wish the word 'wish' wasn't invented because this was a gross overuse of the concept and word.  
 That was just a snippet of my day, and instead of wishing that the star I hitched to was different, I thought I would count, instead: 


In -20 weather, I wasn't expected, asked or ordered to go grocery shopping; instead nourishment was taken from what was in stock. 

I can still be a night owl. I have always had a love affair with 3am and it seems that the wee-morning hours are calling while I'm recovering from something icky. 

While I am being a night owl, I can have lights and music on without causing any disturbances. 

For logical, practical masculine thinking.
 "Its in your rights." 
"I also have the right not to get sick." 

Waking up with his arms wrapped around me, and staying in bed way after the alarm clock sounded, snuggled together. 

Tuesday, 22 January 2013

Fearing the Me Me Me Syndromes

This blog was never a play by play of our lives.
But we are in a really good place right now and I think when it is kind of wonderful, you want to share. Just like when things aren't going so kind of want to share. But that for me, has restrictions because I think it is a fine line between stating what is going on, my emotional pull towards it and out rightly criticising my husband.
There are very, very few people I'll actually open up to about the “D” in our D/s.
 One. Maybe two, if you want to count. 

 The comment thing and this and that, has all lead to a state of confusion with this blog.
 I need to be confused for awhile because I don't know where I want to go with it from here.

Anyways, keeping in mind that it all is going well, there are times when I have these random-doubting thoughts.

Latest one being, something like this:

At times, I fear it is all about me.
I fear I'm not trusting as much as I should. As we both need me to.
I know, there are moments when I let the pace of the current moment, out pace everything and I snap—oh I don't mean, in a tantrum or yelling match; those incidents are farther and farther apart—but I snap and default.
I snap and pull something out of the archives. A trusted pattern. Ground we have covered over and over again.
It drives Horace nuts and it often ends up with both of us being miserable.

Its kind of like a clutch in the moment, when I'm not getting resolution. And my 'solve' to this is to pull out something that is perpetually unresolved—the old ground, the pattern.

The default part of this...hmmm: I grab at the old archival material and even though it doesn't feel good, there is some pay-off there, or I wouldn't reach for it; whatever relief it is providing wouldn't be so obvious.

Back to the fear of it being all about me...
Little things, like I'm the one who is more ahh......who puts more stock in emotions.
I'm the one who blogs and reads blogs and interacts online.
I'm the one who brings up suggestions and “...what do you think of this? Can we try it?” not to say Horace doesn't.

I'm skirting around the thing that is actually behind this; please excuse an overly socialized introvert who hasn't had enough people-free-downtime.

And if you're reading: Thank-you. I find those who can see past the babbling of the moment, fascinating.

Sunday, 20 January 2013

Thank-you for Commenting

When I first started this blog, I didn't allow comments. Reasons for that were various.
When I got more comfortable and with a little encouragement from friends, I allowed comments. 

But you know, comments have gotten to me a little bit lately. Though I am getting the readers, I'm not getting the interaction. And that's okay. Reasons for people not commenting are various and I respect that. It is a little harder to reconcile with, when you spend time commenting on other blogs and do not get feedback on your posts. And that's fine with me, too. 

However, looking at my old posts, the very beginning ones, I think I almost did better when it wasn't an option for people to comment. So its a combination of reasons why comments are getting to me lately. 

And what has led to my decision to turn comments off on this blog, at least for now. Call it an experiment. 
 There are blogging friends and blogs that I read and I'll still happily give my two cents. 

Even though I may not have been receiving comments on posts lately, my inbox has been full with feedback. And if you have a comment or feedback you would like to share with me after reading any of my posts, feel free to drop it here: 

Thank-you to all the wonderful readers and friends who have ever taken the time to comment here.
 It has been much appreciated. 

Friday, 18 January 2013

Dressing Devotion

Many moons ago, I worked as a dresser.
A dresser, is exactly what it sounds like: someone who is responsible for maintaining wardrobe and helping the actors dress during those quick costume changes. And I mean quick, you may have ten seconds to help an actor change out of one costume and into the next and for them to take their mark back on stage.
Pretty much like everything else, I fell into this role by accident. A production that ended up being Short-staffed, someone mentioned my name after recalling how neurotically organised my props table was from another show and before I knew it, I was stripping and dressing men.
It was for my organisational skills that I was hired and there were many who were wary and I didn't blame them.
Did I mention I can't sew? Not even a little.
The wardrobe people gnashed their teeth when they saw me coming with the rack of costumes after the show, they knew zippers would be safety-pinned at the very best, taped and stapled more than likely. But the animosity I incurred quickly fell away, when everyone realized how good I was at dressing people, men in this instance.
It takes a certain amount of organising, a thick skin and pre-planning to successfully pull of this task because it comes down to anticipating the needs of someone else.
A week before the last rehearsals, I stalked the men's dressing room, observing how all the actors I would be working with, changed into and out of street clothes. People are creatures of habit.
With my observations firmly in mind, I got to work and I found it easy. I laid out the costumes pieces in the order I knew the actor would put them on: pants, shirt, vest, jacket, etc—that was knowledge gleamed from my observational week.
Then it was just a matter of working with the actor to determine how they wanted it. Did they want the costume laid out on a table? Hung on a rack? Or did they want me to hand them pieces one at a time? Everyone had a preference and it took a little of figuring out but I got the job done, quite well and it was a fantastic experience.

I was thinking of this experience, when I received an email as feedback from this post, asking, "Do I see “service” as the next logical step from submission? " 
Maybe it is merely semantics with me but I don't identify as being 'a service-oriented submissive'. And to be honest, usually I'm confused when I read that service involves making coffee and doing laundry. So no, I don't see it as a logical step but that is my personal opinion.

However, I like to think I am always growing in my submission and one of the areas I am working on or growing in, is doing it all with effortlessness. Anticipating his needs, doing things before he asks, and when he asks, to do it all without any hesitation or protest. Some days, I have it down. Other days I'm at the receiving end of a correction or that look.

Maybe the word should be “Devotion”, growing in devotion and that's probably a whole other post but example:.
I'm devoted to my husband: that's why when he was racing towards a deadline at three am, I was staying up with him--just in case he needed something--even though I was a little feverish and my throat was swollen and that's why when he asked me to bring him a glass a water, I did.

Because of course, his deadlines aren't just his deadlines.
They are our deadlines---years of work and devotion led to

Happy Friday! Thanks for Reading!

Image source:

Tuesday, 15 January 2013

Week-end de Séduction

Back when we were "dating" (I don't know what the current vernacular of the day is), Horace was masterful at the (rather lost) art of wooing. I would come home to find notes taped to my door, letters in my mailbox, emails in my inbox, little gifts and cards. Nothing typical; not flowers or chocolate or jewelry, because...well...neither one of us has mastered the art of being typical. 

When we started D/s full time, it was a lot like wooing. I hungered for his every word, melted at his every touch, was eager to please and take direction and to show him that I could be fully submissive. It was living in an almost constant state of heightened sexual awareness and it was blissful.

Of course the newness wore of a little bit and real life always kicked up a fuss and the things that make up any married life called for our attention and still do, of course, but underneath that is still this wooing in motion. Horace, taught me how to be a romantic because it really wasn't in my nature. 

Our weeks are more chaotic and busy and we don't see each other a lot on Mondays or Fridays, so this has led to Saturday and Sunday being like dates. Or two day-long-seductions. We spend time with each other, selfishly turn off our phones, spend as little time as possible at the computers and tablets, and spent many meals out, too many in my mind, but we are working on changing this. 

All very nice, yes? Except there are repressions. Come Monday, my mind is switched back to a hectic fully day and its with an effort I have to remind myself not to snap at directions Horace left for me...guess the easiest way to say it, is I have to work harder at finding that submissive mindset. And Tuesdays feel like my Monday, so often I'm left unfocused and feeling fully the affects of separation. And then there are the times, say on a Saturday, when we've had a perfect day and Horace has dropped all kinds of hints of wonderful kinky things he intends, only to get home to a phone call that can't be ignored and have him rush off to fill a deadline and leaving me a little less than sated. 

But even though at times its excessive, the weekends really have been working to maintain a strong sense of harmony and togetherness during the week, even when we are apart.

 Its just these darn Tuesdays.... 

Friday, 11 January 2013

Friday Fragments: A Cane of Spontaneity

This week has seriously kicked my butt and as a result, I haven't been able to write here or visit blogging friends. If you're still reading, thanks for hanging in. 

I love spontaneity.
 I like that in our D/s relationship, it isn't horribly structured (because I would find it suffocating), there are very few rules (mostly being do what Horace says) and very few protocols. Our lives are often crazy and chaotic and we don't know where a particular week will take us. It works for us but trying to put a grid of rules over that would be like trying to corral the elements. 
Too much force. It is supposed to be fun. 

I like it when Horace takes me by surprise and does something because he can, because we are long past asking for consent and scripting out a scene. Maybe a little something like this: 

After a long soak in an essential oil infused tub, I made my way upstairs, naked.
Horace was working, looked up from his desk and smiled.
“Put your hands on the rail” he said.
I did, leaning over.
He came from behind me, massaging my shoulders lightly and then stuck a finger in my vagina, testing.
In a split second, he had taken off his trousers and entered me, in one long thrust. It was long, deep hard and quick.
When he was done, he told me to lay on the floor.
I heard him rustling in the closet. Then felt the coldness of a long, wooden implement.
I had forgotten we had it.
Horace picked up the bamboo cane off my back and struck my behind. I gasped and wiggled off the floor. It is a small implement, about 3cm thick and 6cm long, but it feels like a tree trunk.
He struck me on the shoulder and I cried out and whimpered, protesting with 'oww'.
Horace put a hand on the back of my neck, “Quiet. Submit” he ordered.
I stretched out my hands in front of me, digging my fingers into the carpet and Horace worked me over with the bamboo cane, from nape to buttocks.
It hurt but with an effort I remained as still as I could, breathed deeply and relaxed into the pain. It was shocking but so good, even as I started to tear up.
Satisfied, with the red welts forming Horace started to spank me with his hand.
"Good girl” he said.
Then he stood up, put his foot squarely on my back and I sighed.
I was under his foot and loved it.
Horace brought his foot into my centre, his toe into my warm flesh. He wiggled it up and down and my hips jerked off the floor. 
“Come for me, come on my toe” he said.
Mingled emotions raced through me all in a flood; pleasure and a little bit of humiliation and the desire to please him and I did what he said, the tension coiling and springing from my body in a flooded release.
“That's my girl” Horace said and brought me into his arms.  

Wishing you all a wonderful weekend!

Friday, 4 January 2013

Friday Fragments : A Moment of Irresponsibility

There are times I think, when it is so much about the submissive role, we forget slightly about the dominant. Surely, if you are to read the blogs and forums online, there is a lot more about how to be a good submissive, the journey from the submissive point of view, what the submissive needs, their expressions of how they submit and what is being done to the submissive or asked of. And at times, I think in this type of dynamic, that plays out in real life as well. 
 But submission means doing things that aren't always comfortable or fun because the dominant has said...or because you know, as a submissive you aren't being fair and you've found yourself so far in the pattern of being the receiver, you momentarily forget to be the giver. 

To take that further, I think there is a responsibility in being a submissive.
For me, I feel this more accurately with the collar on my neck. It is a reminder to be a 'responsible pet' as Horace (kind of but not really) jokingly put it, to follow the rules and directions, to properly communicate, to be upfront about things that are nearing the thin line between uncomfortable and limits. 
Being responsible, means recognizing when you are coming close to taking advantage of the giving nature of the dominant and to fix it and admit it and apologize for it. To be, being a good wife and a loving partner means trying to recognize and anticipate Horace's needs before being asked. 

Today, I realized I was in the pattern of receiving. Awhile ago, I had for Horace's help on something. This is rather important as it affects my business and in the long run it will beneficial to both of us. I have been excited about this new project for awhile but I handed a part of it over to Horace and waited for him to look at it and get back to me. 

And kept waiting. We think very differently my husband and I: He's slow and steady, logical and methodical and I'm the opposite of all those things. But I wanted his input, his thoughts and suggestions on this because I value his logical-calm-and-steady approach. And also, I wanted his approval, his "Yes, this is fine" before I go any further. 
But the waiting got to me and then I started to ask him about it, politely. But then, I wasn't so polite and my asking him about it turned into...close to nagging and then he still didn't give it over....any wonder? I realized by acting like this, I was putting pressure on him and something that was creative and fun was quickly turning into a chore that needed to get done. 
I was stuck into thinking, I couldn't do anything else with this until Horace got back to me. 

And then I realized ..that isn't true and on this issue, I wasn't being a responsible submissive because I should have anticipated that it would take Horace longer than I wanted, I should have realized that while he is working on this part, there are many things I can do. I can talk about it with friends, I can continue to sketch out other ideas, Horace and I can play the wonderful "What If Game" (What if this really takes off? What if this is the best thing that happens? What if this is more successful than we imagined?) and I can certainly stop asking him about it and trust that he will come through. 
He always does. 

Horace didn't come out and say, "Stop pestering me about this and give me space and I'll get it back to you" but he shouldn't have had to, either. And then it is partly because I think when I ask my husband for something, he wants to be so in control and perfect and strong....

Just because something important is taking awhile, it doesn't mean it has lost its value of being a priority but only its placing on the priority list.
 Those are my conclusions, anyways; I have serious doubts if anything in this post made sense...but...

Thanks for reading!