Sunday, 24 February 2013

Growth Hurts

(Totally flippant post. If you want something with actual content, information and interest, please see any blogs that are hanging on the right)

I
think anything you happen to stumble upon or finds that works for you to make you feel better, have a better outlook on life and gives you that 'this will make me a better person feeling' is great. 

It's just awesome when you find that thing which helps make your marriage/co-habituation/relationships jive all that much better  and enhances the foundations, strengthens the core.
 Whether that be D/s or another version of the alphabet soup in ttwd or heck, anything else. 

But...you know, sometimes it just sucks. 

As good as it might be to be able to talk about everything under the sun in an open, honest way and know without a doubt your mate isn't going to go running for the hills---those doors can't be unopened. That might lead to excessively thinking, pondering, wondering while trying to maintain the lovely thing you already have going on. Never mind trying to function well at work and life outside your doors.

 Because casting a glance or two over that fence in your own head is one thing. Giving voice to it and getting feedback on it, is something else entirely. Especially when it leads to more conversations such as, "Possible? Could we? Should we?" 
  You might find yourself spinning your wheels and wanting to retreat. 

It is absolutely horrible and uncomfortable when you realize through all the work you have done in implementing the structure the D/s or whatever it may be...it suddenly outright challenges beliefs you've held about yourself for a very long time. You know, thoughts you have thought forever that they aren't just thoughts but truths that you hold about yourself. It is not nice at all when that's upended. 

Especially if those thoughts/beliefs at one time were nothing more than a concept that someone, or maybe a lot of someones, told you, you couldn't/wouldn't achieve. 
 For me, the trigger thought of the day is independence

Nothing new here, really. Its not a new realzition to feel that submission is often a constant process of sundering will to another. Its kind of new when the sentence bats around your head like this "Submission is the process of sundering independence to someone's Dominance". 
 And the sentence could also go like this:
"Submission is the constant, ongoing process of sundering will and independence to someone's authority".
 A thousand different versions could be written. 
The catch is which fine line you are currently bashing your head against a wall on. 

And for now, that's all I have to say on the topic of authority. 
   And the topic of independence can just flock right off.
 


Wednesday, 20 February 2013

Clean Laundry

Every once in awhile, when I want to write something on here, that I know Horace might not like, I run it by him--its only fair, yes?
 But usually he encourages me to write it out anyways. He likes seeing my thoughts on the screen and the amount of insight and fodder I give him through this blog is ridiculous...honestly a lot of it turns in his domly-head only to be used against me later.
Just like in real life situations, I try not to say anything critical of him because I don't want to portray him in a bad light.
But I'm battling with a situation that seems trivial and small and no big deal and it is probably an example of how the undercurrent of D/s is always there, even in the smallest parts of everyday life.
And honest, I'm at my wit's end.
So I am airing clean laundry.

And I thought: My blogging friends are creative. Many of them live in different countries-where the living quarters footprint is often smaller on average than the space we take up for homes in North America--maybe someone has encountered a similar problem.

Before moving to the beautiful new hovel, we paired down, a lot. I filled garbage bags full of no-longer wearable or usable clothes and linens and donated them to the charity shops.
 We are down to only that which we really need and love and that's a great thing. The hovel is open-planned both upstairs and downstairs. Very little storage space.
Two tiny closets.
Upstairs, is where the closets are and where we plan to have a shared workplace and lounge area.
Right now there are boxes and boxes of Horace's work materials stacked on one side of the room, his large desk is in the middle and the rest of the room is taken up by clothes.
Clothes spilling out of laundry bags and garbage bags, clothes that we wear everyday are folded on a table, some are hung up in the closets. Some are in these fabric boxes without lids from Ikea (because in a moment where the frustration got to me, I thought that would be a solution. It isn't, unless you like riffling through a stack of clothes each morning). It is chaos.
I feel like crying every time I go up there.
I've lost sleep over this.
I've asked Horace in my most polite, respectful "subby" voice: Can we please fix this? Can we please figure out a solution and soon?
 Really, the space isn't fit for company.
He has assured me that of course it will be fixed and organized and set out how we want it.
But we've been here for almost three months and it still looks like it does.
Shameful to say but its one of these things where my pleas have started off all submissive like and have nose-dived into approaching nagging. This has definitely brought out my inner brat on more than one occasion. I've had a couple of tantrums over the state of upstairs.
Horace is trying to find a solution.
And we've tried.
The work materials are going to have to stay in boxes for now--and I'm at peace with that--we are on the hunt for the perfect cabinet system and special filing drawer thing to host all of his work stuff.

Its the clothes that are my undoing.
I have looked at closet organizers: Some won't fit, some do but are either too impractical or too expensive. We don't really want to take up precious floor space by putting dressers out in the open, but it just might be the only solution.

Calm down, my husband tells me, it isn't permanent.
I hear: Not a big deal, I'll get to it, when I get to it.

Not a big deal?! Oh yes, to me it is a big deal. This affects the space I have in which to work and my peace of mind! Those two important facets should count.
And they do.
And this is a priority but it isn't a priority that is going to happen tomorrow.
Horace has a really busy work schedule for the next little while, as do I. But I would take time to find a solution. My need for a space to work in and peace of mind is making this a glaring number one priority.
His practicality and patience is beating me out.

I have to wait. I really don't want to wait but I listen to him and do as he says, so I'm waiting and trying not to cry every time I go up there (I did mention, that's where we keep the clothes, right?)
And I don't feel very submissive at all on this issue but I try to act the part because sometimes I really do believe you can fake it until you make it.
Besides, tantrums and freaking out aren't acceptable, at all.
Not even a little bit, in this case that's more frustrating than the source of my frustration.








Tuesday, 19 February 2013

On His Authority

His authority, is an expression of his Dominance. 
 I think of "authority" as something that is in motion; it is verb that modifies the D/s structure, the actions that keep our dynamic moving and in check.
 His authority is strength, controlling and expanding us. 

Authority is more than mere granting of permission. It is the culmination of his decisions, his trust and a measure of our growth. 
 His authority, makes me feel free, not confined. 
Knowing that I make my decisions  with his authority  gives me confidence to explore new situations and engage in new experiences. 
His authority, I trust. 
I take comfort and assurance from it. 
His authority, sets the boundaries when I ask for more or think I can't give him more of what he is asking for, on his authority I go further. 
 

Friday, 15 February 2013

Friday Fragments: Love Day and All

We had a really busy week but still managed to get in a little Valentine's Day fun.
 But...I must say, Horace has always been the one to take the reins of this holiday because he likes it. In Valentine's Day past there were great surprises, elaborate plans and creative, unique gifts. My husband was very good at the game of courtship.
 We still use the coffee table he made me one year.
Since we have been married, plans haven't been so elaborate but all those years of setting a precedent at least caused me to like the "holiday" and even look forward to it. I join in the fun of it because Horace does. Is this a complaint? I don't know, honestly.
 I hate to think I am complaining about anything Horace does or that I am disappointed but it did bring to mind  the topic of expectations and how much we expect of each other and if I expect too much and maybe, as I don't give myself a break often enough, I don't give him a break often enough either.
Oh that's a blog post for another day. Perhaps.

But yesterday did serve to remind me that I really like where we are. How much I adore the D/s dynamic we have and how it is something that is solid, always in place but has to be feed occasionally.

For my part, I made him cupcakes.
 I love to bake, though lately we've been experiencing with eating even more healthy (and as we don't eat any processed foods and make everything from scratch we are pretty healthy eaters as it is--every time we move someone offers us a microwave to which we refuse) and the experiments have led to creating Paleo inspired baked goods or at least baked goods without white sugar, white flour.

Yesterday, I dug out my store of refine-ness because sometimes only a traditional sweet will do and made cupcakes.
 I detest cupcakes.
I mean, cupcakes are left-over cake batter. Why go through all that work, when I could just make a lovely cake?
My husband likes cupcakes, so I went to work and made red velvet cupcakes (if you want the recipe, inbox me) with rum spiced butter cream icing.
 I hate making butter cream because I hate icing sugar.
 There is still icing sugar on my floor and counters because as contained as I try to keep it all, it always finds its way everywhere.
And I made a very nice dinner.

But I bake quite often and I always make dinner and we always leave each other sappy-notes. And as I read the blogs to the left yesterday, I wondered if those of us who are in ttwd, have the same quandary. Dinner, baking, house-cleaning, etc, is just what I do as a loving wife and because my husband enjoys me doing all those things. It makes me happy to do all of that and it pleases him to have me do all of that...so where's difference?

Oh right, it was Valentine's Day and I made cupcakes.
And the day ended with a spanking, that was paused overnight and picked up again by being woken up with Horace's firm hand on my butt.
That was lovely (and yes maybe another whole post).

Hope you enjoyed your Valentine's Day--whatever you did or didn't do.


Tuesday, 12 February 2013

Aching

It has been a bit like the snake with that shiny apple around here for the past few days. 
Except for the fact that the tempting offer has been refused. 

And believe me, I've tried to be as explicit as possible, though I was never one of those girls that could pull off that batting-eyelashes-come-hither-look. But I've tried. 

I've asked politely and respectfully, I've begged. I've pouted, I've stepped out of the shower naked and draped myself across his lap but all of my pleas for sex (okay: rough and kinky sex) have been refuted. 
 As much as I admire Horace's patience, over the past few days it has brought me to almost-hair pulling out frustration. 

Why the denial? You might be wondering. 
I have injured myself. I did something to my body that I can't really figure out but I've been in pain over the past few days. A lot of pain. It hurts to move and reach and well function normally. Some kind of strain in part of my back (and I've been told that if my body doesn't heal on its own by the end of the week, I'm to go  get it looked at with someone who has the knowledge who can say "Yes you pulled a muscle, rest").

And it just happened to coincide with that particular time in the cycle where I really want sex. But more than that, we've been so busy lately and I really have those raging submissive desires to be handled roughly and put in my place properly. I want a bit of aggression and a tad of humiliation and to be reminded of his dominance. 

I know those things can be stated with the mental control that exists in our D/s but I want the physical connection, the tangible actions. 

Horace has always been good at protecting me from him, of knowing when we are close to a limit and bringing us back; there has been a kind of assurance knowing that my limits are really his but Horace has also been very good at protecting me from myself (and that, I think are good indicators of a good Dominant) and because of this, my line of thinking over the last little while, has come up with the term "a sensuous sadist". 

But really, there is no way around it: He is a gentleman. 
And that makes me very, very fortunate. 
 Even in my suffering. 


Saturday, 9 February 2013

Nothing But Snow and T-Shirts

Right, I know. I have been pretty absent this week. 
 But there is a benefit to not blogging for an entire week...
the draft folders are pretty full and there is lots to choose from. 

Really, my mind has been a little numbed by work commitments and husband-commitments and outings and studying for an exam....
And we got snow. 
 Which makes me want to hurry up the whole 'retiring and becoming a snowbird' plan. 
Otherwise, life is pretty good. 

And my hair is overdue for a trim. 
This is always problematic... 
 Horace prefers my hair long and gets a bit--weird--yes, weird is a good word here, when I mention letting someone take scissors to it. 
 My hair, is to the centre of my back. But its curly, so it never looks as long as it is--usually its just below or above my shoulders. 
 Always on a quest to manage the curly fray (including only using one specific kind of organic conditioner/shampoo), a friend sent me an article on a new salon chain that has been opening in the States that deal specifically with curly hair. 
 And then I started reading...and somehow came across an article that advised drying your curls with a t-shirt instead of a towel. 
 Now this made a weird kind of sense, because it brought to mind the time we were completely out of towels and I used a clean pillow case....so I tried the t-shirt thing. 
 And it REALLY worked and made a difference (I'm very hesitant to post vanilla links here: Google "dry your curly hair with a t-shirt" if you want to read on this phenomenon). 

I haven't visited with the bloggers I follow this week but I've been reading. 
 I love lil's post entitled: "Energy, Realities, and Associated Ramblings" <---Yes ^this^ . 
 Lil has an amazing ability to talk about the metaphysical mystique-paganish junket without being in your face about it. Its all energy, its all an exchange and it (in my humble opinion) applies to D/s very well. Give it a read. 

Over at Fondles' blog...I had an incredible blond moment. 
A very funny post entitled "Something I Saw on the WWW" --it made me smile on Friday. 
 But...I was confused. I didn't 'get' where Fondles would be reading about South Carolina Troopers...when I got to the end of the post, it hit me and made me laugh more! Like I said, an incredible blond moment. Go read it just because it's funny.

Did I mention, I'm not a blond? 

Will return with actual fodder when my mind is less numb. 

Friday, 1 February 2013

Friday Fragments: Secrets

I like secrets. 
Always have. 
 It comes, in part I'm convinced from being the youngest child and wanting to know what they were all talking about and doing! 

And you know...occasionally being bribed not reveal their secrets...didn't hurt either.

I have many secrets...most days, I feel what I had for lunch is secretive...in case you are mistakenly thinking I mean anything untoward by these sentiments. 

But given telling people the "normal" things makes me incredibly uncomfortable, that does help in causing me to be a good keeper of secrets. Plus, the more serious tenets that I lived by like loyalty is often tied up in this concept.

These days, I get hired a lot based merely on my reputation for being able to keep secrets...okay, they call it "discretion" but its all the same. 

So when Horace, on his way out the door this evening, said "I have a secret..."

My head perked up and I sat up straightener, ready to listen. 

 There are a lot of secerts in his line of work. Some he shares, others he keeps. 
 I don't need it all in my pretty little head. 

I waited, patiently as he got his stuff together. 
 He leaned over the banister and said... 

"I like you." 

Well. 
 That was a bit of a let down, I'll be honest. 
But it brought a huge smile to my face. And I laughed.
 Sometimes my husband can be dorky but that's okay. 

I love him even so. 

Avoir un bon week-end! Thanks for reading.