Tuesday, 26 March 2013

Meeting A Dom Online: Thoughts and Suggestions

Over on Anna May's blog, I commented on this post and this one and I received this question:
“Hi Bleuame, I read your comments on Anna May's blog and wanted to know if you had any more advice on online dating?” ~Danielle 

Not the questions I had planned to answer today but I thought I would jump them ahead--besides some of the other questions are causing me to loose sleep. 
 This set didn't cause me to loose sleep but I do feel a little wary about offering this advice.
I am not an expert nor do I consider myself very experienced in the world of dating, online or otherwise but over the years I have tried different things, heard things, seen things. Really, I am paraphrasing many friends in this post (hope they don't mind) and passing on knowledge gleamed from different sources, including personal experience.
I invite other people to comment with suggestions.

Your safety is your number one priority. 
If you feel unsafe, don't do it. Go only as far as you feel safe.

Profile Creation (on a Fetish website)

Websites are set up as fill-in-the-blanks forms. The website gives you an array of options and invites you to select the ones that apply.
If you want to avoid messages and comments like "So you like toe licking? Show me how" don't check all the boxes that apply. 
Keep it as bland as possible.
It really is all about how you write your profile:
Something like “I am here to learn and explore and make friends but open to the possibility of a relationship. Only looking to meet people in my local area”, works much better than:
“Young submissive woman looking to serve an older more experienced Dom!”
I am sure you can see why one will yield better results and one is more likely to yield messages from bloodhounds on the scent of fresh meat.

Now I know, the above doesn't leave them much to go on to strike up a conversation. 
For conversation starters, think of what you could include that would get a thought-provoking response.
Instead of listing every fetish you have or are curious about trying, consider crafting a phrase or two or posting a writing that will give a thoughtful response, something like:

“"You look up when you wish to be exalted. And I look down because I am exalted."
― Friedrich Nietzsche 

I wonder what Nietzsche would think of the power exchanges in BDSM.."

Give a few lines about your personality and your interests but keep them in broad strokes, without eroticizing every word. The fact that you are on a Fetish site and maybe have checked off the box that says, “sub” is explanatory enough.

If you want to maintain anonymity, one of the simplest things you can do is not to post images on one site that you have used on another
So don't post an image you have used on your regular social medias on a fetish site.
One of the easiest way to find people is through a quick and simple image search.

It really makes a difference in how you write your profile, take some care and consideration with it and keep safety in mind.

Socialize, Safely 

Get to know those in the community.
Go out to munches. Munches are a great introduction to the local scene  if you really want to meet people, munches are a more 'normal' setting than dungeon and play parties.
"How do I find munches?" you may ask. 
The most common reply is "Join the Fetish site" but also try searching Yahoo Groups! in your area. Often times you will find them there. 
 Introduce yourself to the organizers of the local munch. People are more likely to look out for you if they know you have an interest in being a participant in the community.
I can understand how daunting going to a munch can feel but if you want to meet people to date it really is a great place to start. 
And yes, the munches will often make a point of saying, "this isn't a place to look for dates" but go with the intent of meeting friends and new people. 
 Also try going to public demonstrations and workshops. Local "romance" shops and even bookstores are good places to look for kink-interest presentations. 

Meeting A Date

If you are going to meet someone you've only encountered online, meet in a public place.
Have a safe call. Have three, have ten.
Make sure someone whom you trust in your life knows what you are doing, where you will be and when you'll be back.
Go one further: Go to the meeting place (restaurant, bar, etc) early.
 Find the manager or a person who works there and say “Hi! I'm meeting a blind date here” or however you want to phrase it. Make someone aware of what's going on. You don't have to go into details but the folks who work in restaurant service industry have seen it all and these days, saying you are meeting someone in person who you have only met online, is common enough.

Avoid Being Trapped Bait

A “Dom” messages you and says, “Prove to me you're a sub” or something far ruder, Ignore it. 
Don't respond or engage. If it makes you uncomfortable, block the person and report the message.


This isn't a post discouraging fetish sites or socialising in the kink community; I actively engage in both and have tremendously enjoyed being apart of both and a great deal of what I enjoy now, started online and 99% of my experiences have been positive. 
 Even with my Dom's rules and short leash policies, that 1% has crept in. 

 Just be safe. 

If you are under 30...
Consider going to a TNG munch, the The Eulenspiegel Society is filled with awesome information on D/s, BDSM and more and their explanation of The Next Generation is one of the best I have come across.


From Ambrosio's BDSM Site:
Some Notes on Safety for Meeting On-line and Off

From His Little Harlot Red flags/safety in BDSM meets/dating

From KinkLovers: Tips for Safe BDSM Dating

Monday, 25 March 2013

March Questions: Rules?

I left it to the last minute but I do plan on answering all the questions I have been asked over the last few weeks. Thanks to everyone who has played along!
 This question comes via email from Rouge:

 "Hi Bleuame! From other blogs, I have seen that some subs post their rules. I was wondering what your rules are, if you would post them and what are the rules you have trouble following? How often do you get punished for breaking them? Thx" 

Really, I only have one rule and that is "Do what I say." 
Anything else, is details on that general point. By now, I know exactly what is expected of me, I know how we wishes me to modify my behaviour, I know what pleases him and I know when I'm nearing the line or out of bounds. 
 However, an evening last week, left me out of sorts. 
Horace was late, really late returning home. I started to worry and fret and it didn't help that the weather was bad. I tried calling him and couldn't get an answer. 
And I was a little miffed that he wasn't answering his phone. That worry and miffedness evolved into anger, so by the time he did get home, I wasn't in the mood of a concerned wife, or an obedient submissive. I was angry. 
Horace waited out my burst then declared, "New rule. You're not allowed to get mad at me." 
He had a glint in his eye when he said it but he meant it. 
What kind of rule is that?!

I don't get mad at him often but I think I might have a bit of trouble following that rule :P 
 But honestly, I don't find the rules difficult. I consented to it this, i have chosen to live my life with him under these parameters. 
 The rules aren't in place simply so he can find ways to punish me but to create a harmonious household. We have fun, we have silly fun with each other, it isn't a gloom-and-doom dark experience where I am dreading breaking a rule or seeking to break a rule. 
Punishments, actual punishments are rare. 
He will give me a correction on occasion, when I've made a simple slip up or oversight but I take this submission thing seriously, with a certain amount of devotion and honour and there are no 'funishments' here. 
 If Horace wants to paddle me, then he does. If I want play, then I ask. 
He doesn't need a reason
 He insists on the somewhat normal things you would find in any dynamic: Be courteous and polite, respectful and obedient. And if those are 'rules' then I do have a hard time maintaining respect and courtesy when I have to wait on him, for him. 
For him to do stuff (i.e. fix the state of the hovel) or wait for him until we can leave somewhere. That's our natures colliding. I want everything done, now! When I'm ready to leave or go, I'm ready--kind of like an Energizer bunny and Horace has this laid-backness, this patience that is an innate part of himself. He takes his time. He casually strolls. He stops to take in the sight and sounds. 
I'm more aware of getting it all done
 Over the years though, I have learned to relax and chill, to be a little more patient but this is something I always find challenging. 
 Thanks so much Rouge for the question and I hope I have given a satisfactory answer. 

Sunday, 24 March 2013

Bored Gemini

Well...sparks. Found some. 
In the form...ill thought out plans. 
There is a Dom sleeping down the hall, who probably won't be all that happy when he wakes up. And I think I'm just going to scream because I managed to make it worse. Though, I did tell him about my plan. He kind of mumbled something that could have been ascent. 

You remember how a handful of posts ago I was waxing about the state of the hovel? How in this open, airy space creative solutions are needed? How upstairs is making me cry every time I go up there? Because there are boxes and boxes of stuff, all over the place? And stacks of clothes everywhere? And it did not beckon to a productive working environment? To make it better, we needed something...cabinets for Horace's work materials, shelves, closet-organisers, something? 
Well, we've been so incredulously busy that all of that stuff is still on the list. No cabinets for the work stuff, no closet organisers and still, boxes galore. 
 In the wee hours of the morning, I took matters into my own hands and started in on the mountain of clothing and some of the boxes--mostly leaving the work stuff alone. 
 But now...there is nowhere to put it! Somehow, that problem didn't go away. So now, I have a pile of stuff in the middle of the floor that is kind of unorganised and I really don't know what I was thinking... 

I know. Should have left it alone. 
Horace told me. 
 Friends told me.
 Good friends reminded me that settling into a new hovel takes time. 
 I heard, I listened--for a time. 
 But I have a problem with spinning my wheels and managing downtime and living in unorganisation and I can be a little bit impatient...and yeah. 

I don't really feel good about any of this. So now...I'm going to go upstairs and try to make it a little bit more manageable. Because, I just might be in a little bit of hot water come the morning. 
  But...if I can fix it a little bit.. 
 No. There's probably not much hope.

You may laugh. 

Friday, 22 March 2013

Friday Fragments: Paddling Along

We have a new toy in our collection, actually a couple.
 Every once awhile we go through the inventory and decide what to replace, keep or toss. Some stuff does break down over time, other toys we just don't use or have lost interest in. Its a good thing to do once in awhile.
But we have a new paddle.
Now, some of you might think "So what?" as far as kink goes, that's kind of light.
Everyone, it seems does impact play.
But this is a paddle from Bad-Ass Designs.
 And its substantial. It has weight. It is balanced perfectly. There are no weak points.
It is a think of beautiful craftsmanship, which makes it awfully hard to curse it. Even if its being wielded mercilessly on your backside.
 Do give Bad-Ass Designs a consideration if you are in the market for a new impact toy.
 The creations they make are breathtaking.
Somehow, our new toy manifests out of nowhere right into Horace's hand, catching me off guard. Moments of playfulness, swatting my behind or not-so-playfully because Horace felt like breaking in the new toy.

Something like this:

Lying on my stomach, horizontally across the bed. Horace sliding the paddle light across my back, over my cheeks. He grabs a fistful of hair. I hear the clink of metal.
"Open" He commands.
I take the ball gag. This gag is also new to our collection and just as the paddle is heavier, so is this gag. The d rings are cold against my cheeks, the graded silicone ball is just the right size and I take it without fight. I whimper, commingled feelings of lost-of-control and a smattering of humiliation.
Horace whacks the paddle on the bed and it makes me jump.
 This, as innocent as it seems is pushing a limit. \
I look at him and see that spark; his sadist is out to play.
It might be innocent, you might not understand why the smacking of the bed with the paddle is pushing it...but it is.... I have an overactive startle reflex.
This normally considerate man warns me when he throws a can into the recycle bin.
 He smiles.
 I wince and close my eyes tight.
He winds his hand through my hair and leaves the paddle on my back, checking in with me.
Of course, I'm all right. It was uncomfortable, painful on a different level but his limits are mine.
Horace starts paddling my arse, thudding whacks landing precisely. He flips the paddle and lays into me, the heavy oak pattern stings. I jerk and he puts a hand on my neck and I put my head back down. He wields the paddle expertly, changing the rhythms just as I get comfortable, catching me off guard. My behind is smarting with heat.
Horace switches to his open palm and I raise up to meet him.
 I'm lost in that great headspace. He switches back to the paddle and it lasts a very long time.
I swim in that space, the beautiful place where there is no questioning if this is right or wrong, no doubt that I am owned and Horace can do anything he wishes to me. I am gushing with wetness and I am more than ready.
From behind, Horace thrusts hard, deep and fast. It feels as if my skin is splitting, tears are in the corners of my eyes.
His hand reaches up to my mouth. I had almost forgotten the gag. He traces a line of drool and taps the ball hard
"You know what this means", he says.
He holds me still when I all I want to do is meet him thrust for thrust.
"Now", he says.
And because I have the gag in, I'm allowed to orgasm.
It comes crashing over me, hard and fast and I'm lost in it, barely noticing that Horace's fulfilment has come at the same moment.
He flips me over and wraps his arms around me.
It was both harsh and sweet and boundaries were pushed in small ways, even the enforced cuddling, because if it was up to me, I would have curled into a ball, alone.
 My legs are still like jelly and I'm still sitting rather tenderly.

Tuesday, 19 March 2013

Looking for Sparks

You often read/hear that a D/s, M/s, sub/Dom dynamic is more intense than that of vanilla. 
Lots of reasons for this, the intimacy and trust required in these power exchanges can shift a relationship, but I think of it as a shift in a good way, a shift into expansion. Expanding on the fundamentals that were already there and feeding and tending to can always bring different kinds of intensity. 
 Some days, I think the intimacy is too much and I want to retreat. 
 Some weeks, I feel that I am in a hazy fog where the D/s is all consuming, the intensity makes it near impossible to do anything. Oh, I'm not saying it inhabits my functioning in-day-to-day but it can take up a lot of mindspace. 
 And for me, I think....with each new turn that I realize I have surrendered and I feel that hard-won independence being squished away...my willingness to explore on my own kind of fades. My ambitions that I once held to so firmly, don't really matter. They pale in comparison to what we have going on. Not only on the D/s side of things, but what we, together have created: home, life, love, our talents combined for the flood of success Horace has been having in his work. 
 My work...? My dreams? Still there but just kind of muted. 
And because it feels muted, I don't have much motivation or I can't find it. 
 Its the driving force I'm missing. 
And when Horace is the driving force in our lives, its a weird thing to wrap my head around. 

Truthfully, this state I find myself in bothers him. He loves me: chaos, fire and air and all. He loved me for my sense of purpose and single-minded-drive.
 He wants me to do what I want to do...to go after those things I have held dear for so long. 
 And in a way, that makes this fog a little more frustrating to try and wade through because even though he is being supportive, I feel the pressure. He isn't applying it, but I feel it nonetheless. 

I want...
To be so consumed by an idea that wild horses couldn't keep me from executing it. 
I want to feel a story forming with such intensity I can't help but scribble it down. 
I want to act with confidence in my own business and make that a success. 

The desires, the wants, the goals are still there. But in muted thoughts, words. 
I am lacking those feelings that spur me to action. 
And its dreadfully annoying... 

Apologies for not replying to messages of late, not writing here and not visiting my bloggie friends! 
Besides this, life has been awfully busy

Saturday, 9 March 2013


You know how there is something small that nags at you? At first you might not realize what it is but it hovers on the fringes of your mind. Then you figure it out and because figuring out means, you've put a spotlight on it, it just gets bigger and bigger and irritates you more and more?

Well, that's where I am. It is more irksome because life is very good these days. We're having fun, there is a great balance of work and play and adventure and stirring the pot and D/s is more and more effortless these days.
So this thing that has been bothering me for two weeks, has nothing to do with us.
It doesn't even have anything to do with me.  It has however, gotten my attention.

But it touches on things, in general I can get a little testy about; someone deciding your not good enough or you don't fit into their club, or you can't join in or you can't play along; someone deciding that they don't want you; someone not being able to see the bigger picture, someone convinced that a clique is better than inclusion...

All of that. All of those things are huge triggers for me. And the only surprise here, is how long it took me to figure out that I was really upset by this.
 (By the way: Maybe I should have said "totally vanilla post ahead|..feel free to quit reading).

But what really annoys me, is I could be in a position to point out to these exclusionists in this case, that they are cutting off their noses to despite their faces and if they just thought of being more inclusive, it would benefit them and so many others.

So why don't I?

Other than I don't think those who are in charge of this would hear me, they seem pretty stubborn on keeping their clique; if I was to say anything and point out why they should consider being inclusive--applying knowledge and experience I've gained through my day-to-day working life--I run the risk of being "outed."
 First time that particular conflict has hit me so squarely in the face.

So I am stewing.

And I know, I should just focus on something else and let this lie because there isn't anything I can do.
 My hands are tied.
But it bothers me.

I'll get over it.

Ahhh...writing it out helped.
 Thanks for reading.

Friday, 8 March 2013

Friday Fragments: Softly Submissive

The question, "Are you a natural submissive?" came into my mailbox from a reader. It is always a question that gives me pause for thought
 Like everything else, there seems to be divides between those that identify as a "natural submissive" than those that don't.
As far as definitions go, I haven't really come across a good one that spells out what a natural submissive is...though it is certainly a topic that has plentiful content out there.
From what I can gather, a natural submissive is everything from one who knows intuitively they are submissive, inclined to serve others to not bucking the curve of Dominance.

There are a lot of things about being submissive that feels natural to me and there are things I struggle with.
The things that feel easy and natural would be: feeling comfortable allowing him to lead, feeling that it is right I defer to him, feeling pleasure and even confidence in obeying the rules and sometimes, even his whims. But those things, all took a bit of work. I think it is an on going process, of trust and surrender, of allowing and giving in and some days it is easier than others and even still, sometimes it all trips me up.

But I don't know if I would call myself a "natural submissive". I very much like to do my own thing, I like to stir the pot sometimes, just to stir the pot, I am wildly opinionated and can run hot and cold. There are times when I don't like to defer.

Early on, when I was discovering kink and what submission was, life circumstances also didn't beckon to act like a submissive. I had to be strong, I had to fight.

And through our D/s, I have found it reassuring to give up the fight, even if I have grumbled about doing so from time to time. I don't have to fight anymore, I can lean on his pillar of support and strength and its not just me, anymore its "us" and I think leaning on him, is something I have to remind myself to do, often.

With him...my hard edges blur to a softness. I have learned a measure of tact and diplomacy and to focus and use my emotions better. I have learned to take his support, just as I have learned to follow his orders. When I think of submission randomly, the word that enters my mind is "soft".
 Because, I can be soft. From the pretty things I like to wear, to the giving up of control, there is softness there...and I also feel D/s has been a great tool for helping me to explore my own femininity, something I didn't really have the chance to do when I was younger.

Natural or not, being a submissive...being his submissive, feels quite right to me.

Tuesday, 5 March 2013

Q and A: March!

I know, I have been a horrible blog mistress lately! But its March! And that makes me very happy! But also very busy with work commitments and husband commitments.

Q & A

So I saw this on Fondles' Blog and thought I would jump in on the fun. March is Q & A Month for Blogs (who decides these things?) so here is my invitation to readers:
 If you want to ask a question, I will then answer them (as best as I am able to) in a post (maybe two in one post depending on how many there are)
Questions on:

*Horace and I
*Newbie Questions

Let's hope this goes better than last time I played a question game. Nobody remembers that, right? Comment anon if you like below or via email: bleuame6@gmail.com