Wednesday, 19 June 2013

Peace of Obedience

I haven't had the best day.
 I got stuck in the cross-hairs of a traffic accident and that incident put me seriously behind schedule in the rest of my day.
 You of those days were nothing seems to move with any smoothness and halts your best intentions.

Last night, I made myself a snack and paused before eating. He had already ate so I was doing the meal thing solo. I paused to ask if I may eat.
 And told Horace.
He grinned and we laughed a little.
 It was a good moment because it showed obedience and training and all the little ins and outs of our dynamic that we've worked so hard at. I don't qualm at the word 'obedience' any more--the meaning was never a problem, the term was for me.

We have our protocols and rules, the only one being really, to do what he says. Often though, I will wake up to find a note and on that note will be a task or two that he has asked me to do that day. Personal errands or something for the business or both. I have to do what is on the note--barring any major life intrusions.

I haven't done today's task yet and it something Horace set out because I have been having problems with being motivated and staying focused to do this and I need to. This is an instance of him making a decree or giving an order that is for my own good and growth.
 I have to do this task--its on the note. Not because there will be consequences or punishments or because not doing it would disappoint him---though all of that plays a role. I have to do it because if I don't then I am not being obedient and not being obedient doesn't give me peace.

I don't get out of the task because I have had a bad day; because I don't dictate my submission-he does and I've been trained to do nothing other than that.

And all of that is good. Until its a day like this and it plays with my head a bit.

I feel so...we've made so much progress and growth in our D/s.
 Later on this week we will celebrate our wedding anniversary...and also the anniversary of when we committed to being 24/7.
 The bad day aside, the week holds much promise and it can only get better.
 It keeps getting better.

Monday, 10 June 2013

Inequality of D/s

"A science experiment was occurring in my mug". Horace said to me last night, handing me the mug over to wash while I was doing dishes.
"Ick! You would paddle your wife if I were to create such an experiment" I said, smiling.
Horace playfully swatted my behind.
"Yes, I would. Quite severally too."
He went back up to work and I continued washing dishes and tidying up.
 The forgotten mug was left in his workspace and its the one area of the hovel, I don't clean, his work area being his. Sometimes its obsessively neat, sometimes, es its a chaotic unorganised jumble, more often than not its somewhere between those two extremes. Years ago, this used to get on my nerves and I would, thinking I was being helpful, clean and spruce up his work area. Until my cleaning efforts displaced one or two important documents or I accidentally cleaned up what looked like a clutter of papers to learn later there was some organisation in the pile, known only to him.
Now I don't go near his workspace and we're both happy and it doesn't bother me as much as it used to because I've learned.
 Learned that his expectation of my obedience is total: even in the minuscule details. I've learnt not to be bothered by minor disorganisation that occurs in the hovel. Learned that because Horace said this is a boundary, to accept it.
 A D/s relationship, is a power exchange. And its often unfair and double standards are rampant. Sometimes, it can feel downright unjustified that as the submissive, I'm expected to follow rules and protocols.
I've consented to having my behaviour modified in however Horace sees fit, changing my own personal tendencies and some habits, because it pleases him, or because he thinks I will grow from the experience. Its not always easy but the key thing I try to remember when I feel like riling against our system, is that I did consent to it all.
And I trust Horace.
 But, I think, often times, saying, "I trust the Dominant to do x and y" isn't enough; that line of thinking can even be kind of a cop-out.
Submission is easy; it becomes habitual and ingrained after awhile. Oh, its not easy as in, "I do it without thinking", even though there are certainly aspects of it where that applies. Its easy in the way an old blanket becomes comforting.
Horace knows he has my submission.
 But its my surrender, he is more interested in.

And that's what is harder; that is the constant and continuous challenge in everyday D/s--at least for me. Because surrender only comes from trust.
Of course you want to trust the person who is asking for it, but in my opinion, I think actual surrender can only be given if you trust yourself. His reaching and asking for surrender, feels a lot of the time, like an inner-battle with myself.
When it works, its beautiful and powerful and Horace knows in those moments, he has everything I could possibly give him. And in those moments, I've let go. I have trusted myself to fully give over to him, from the very depths of my being. When it happens, when we reach that point, it feels like a little of my own will not only bending but breaking--I've crossed another boundary that I had put up by my own creations. I've let go of self-doubt, self-hatred, self-fear.
And because I do trust him, implicitly, I know when I am in surrender, when my will is broken, he will have his way with me, while I kind of hang out in that place where my own ego doesn't exist, and he will guard my back as he puts me back again. The experiences always makes me feel stronger, more whole.

Would Horace actually paddle me over a left-over-forgotten-mug? Probably not; his style isn't to micro-manage my life. But he might because it would be a sign of me being too overwhelmed to get to the task in the first place.
Is it unfair that I would potentially face consequences for this and he wouldn't?
But that's the inequality of D/s.

Saturday, 1 June 2013

Bienvenue juin!

Finally! Summer is a mere handful of weeks away, the weather is hot and humid and I can leave the hovel without a sweater. 
 Horace surprised me this weekend by taking me on a shopping trip. It was such an incredible treat and we had lots of fun exploring new stores and malls and he of course helped me pick out the new outfits ;o) 

For the past few days, its been big silvery clouds with interminable rain and this oppressive hovering air mass. But we've enjoyed being out in it and the sky tonight is beautiful. 

And that's all I have, just a little update to say, yes I'm still here and life is is some art courtesy of our artist friend: