Wednesday, 30 October 2013

A Little on the Stregnth of Submission

Just when I was back in the swing of Blogland and committed to posting three times a day, life happened. 
Horace's birthday, an exam, a work vacation, etc. etc. 
But really, I've been focused on finishing the writing of the first book of four, I plan to release within the next year or so. 
I have been thinking a lot of strength and submission. 
Last year, I wanted to try reading something that wasn't the butt-kicking-female-heroine. 
And I did, which led me to finding new erotica, which led to the discovery of the spanking romance genre, which led me to seeing if I could write a few novels of my own. 

"Hmm." 
A friend, said to me after reading my last chapter of the first book. 
"Hmm?" 
I had put this friend through a bit, urging them to read other books in the spanking genre so they would know what I am trying to aim for. 
"It's good. Really good. But your main characters are quite strong."
"Yeah. I was afraid of that." 


See, try as I may, I can't escape the strong female protagonist.
 And is it any wonder?
I have been so fortunate to be surrounded by strong, fierce, independent women my entire life.

 Some of them are my best friends, the strongest influences in my life. 
Oh, and I took a look at my bookshelf. 
Then, I had a moment of panic, wondering if my manuscript would work in this genre. 
So..I have a strong female protagonist. 
The male counterpoint isn't exactly the main character. 
It is character driven rather than plot driven. 
Well, you'll never know unless you try. 

And this train, took me to thinking about strength and submission. 
How I feel so fortunate to have mate who doesn't think I am lesser than him, how he loves me for my strength and fire. 
And how, I may be proud to be his doormat and at times, serve as his placement but I do not have to surrender that self to just anyone. No one else, really. 
Because he knows me.
And he knows my character and how strong I am. 


He knows that when I surrender...what it is I am actually laying at his feet. 
But I know he is strong enough to take the unwrapping of my self and guard my back as I come undone. 
Then he rebuilds me.  
And that is kind of the strength of submission, overly simplified. 


Friday, 18 October 2013

Friday Fragments: A Question or Two

Friday!

How has your week been?
 Mine?
Its been fine, really.
No complaints.
Mild annoyances.

Its also a Full Moon Day (full moon in Aries and lunar eclipse), which means whatever did go wrong today, you can totally blame it on the moon. Honest, it won't mind too much.
Back in March (for question month), Greengirl asked me a question about ttwd and paganism. 

"Do you feel, or how do you feel it interacts with ttwd for you or for both of you?"

And I have been thinking about it ever since. And I have also asked Horace's opinion. 
Its strange that I haven't been able to answer it in a blog post, because we talk about this a fair bit. 
There are so many facets to that question, so many trails I could take it...its really a huge question. 
Kind of like saying, "So how did your life make you come to this kink thing?" 
But I will reply to it, in a post, eventually, soon. 
So...that probably isn't a good example to cite when I am introducing the brand new Ask A Question page here on L'heure Bleue and encouraging questions via the blog. 
Exciting, I know. 
And I totally stole it from Lil.


Has there been anything you have seen someone else do in Blogland you wanted to steal? Or something someone else wrote that you wished you had? 


Wednesday, 16 October 2013

Grouchy but Owned

"I want to feel that I can't stop it. I want to be really mastered, taken over by someone who isn't going to stop doing things because I'm not getting off on it. Someone who knows enough not to endanger me, unless that was what was intended.........”
― Laura Antoniou, The Slave



It is always a battle of the intellect, when it comes to this being owned thing. 
My mind accepts the fact that I am his. That through my submission, I have given up control and given over authority. In my own head, I know I don't do anything unless I'm told. I know that I always have constantly feed the transparency and work on the vulnerability. And I'm beginning to understand how deeply and intimately and powerfully this knowledge penetrates day to day living. 

He took me. 
I was grouchy. 
I get grouchy when I feel behind. 
And I was feeling behind, trying to figure out how I was going to fit 2o hours of coursework in three days...
So not in the headspace. He knew damn well what my mood was. In this instance, he didn't care.
Without barely a word, he picked up the cherry cane and struck the soles of my feet. Bastinado is not something I'm overly fond of. 
His hands and fingers, pinched and squeezed and clawed into my sensitive, intimate parts. Yanking, scraping, pulling.
Pain rippled through me but the pain wasn't cushioned by the headpsace. So the pain, was pain. It hurt. There were no chemical inducing endorphins going on, here. 

He flipped me over and seared into me. 
Hard and fast. 
I took it. 
Somehow, drudging up compliance. Somehow, not protesting. Somehow, not complaining. 
And because he wasn't quite done, my legs were over his strong shoulders and I felt his whole weight slam into me. 
And I tried to mentally think of this as service. He clearly was getting pleasure out of this, so I tried to convince myself I was happy because, in this instant, I was providing service. 
No go. 
Only when he was done, it was over, did I smile. 
Then he told me to clean him up. 
And I so didn't want to tend to that... while in other circumstances, I'm only to eager to put my tongue to good use. 
But I did. 
And I saw how happy and relaxed he was, while the tension was still coiled tightly in me. 
He murmured some words, even a bit of praise. 
But it didn't change how I felt. 

But after...I realized...this was so very good. 
He will use me how he wants, when he wants and that was just demonstrated. Anything that reinforces the ideals of the M/s dynamic are good. 
And even though I felt a little hallow, definitely used and emotionally tense, I didn't act out (whereas last year...even...maybe two years ago) I would have fought back. 
I wouldn't have been below yellowing and screaming and demanding. 
But this time...I took it.
With a calm acceptance and knowledge driven understanding. 

And I felt claimed. 



Monday, 14 October 2013

Stalled

As most of you know, a couple months ago, I decided to get a little more serious about the writing thing and self-publish
The out pouring of support from this community-fellow bloggers and readers has been amazing! I couldn't have imagine such positive and encouraging feedback and I am grateful from the bottom of my blue heart. 
Horace has been unflinching in his support. 
 He always has been supportive of my goals, dreams and ambitions and when I told him, "I think maybe self-publishing is something I need to look at seriously", he gave his nod of approval and his strong shoulders to lean on. 
He is an incredibly fair minded person. 
And I'm not sure how--because I really don't need to get that far into his head or thinking processes-but the double standards that are rampant with D/s all balance out for him in a fair way. 
Weird, I know. 
But somehow logical. 
So because he is fair-minded and cares about what I want, in terms of big-picture, he wants me to go after the writing thing. Wants me to have something for myself. 
But the thing is, I'm totally stalled with the writing and I don't know why. 
Its not lack of desire--I want to complete the first book. I want to go on to the second, third and fourth book. I want to make ago at this. 
It really is not in my nature to procrastinate either, but I have been. 
It isn't Horace's style to micro-manage and I do best when I am given a task and left to do it on my own, without a time-line or a thousand detailed instructions--if I had that, I would shrink. 
He's given me a hoof or two on the writing thing but it hasn't been enough to get me charging out of the gates. 
I've mentioned before how I pinpoint the moment of surrendering to the D/s dynamic, when I had that moment or realization and came to the conclusion, "I don't want to fight anymore."
And for me, someone who has fought for everything and against a great deal throughout my entire existence, it was a big statement to make. 

The writing, has always been apart of my life and apart of those fights. 
A month back, Horace put, "finish the next chapter" on the task list for that day--trying to put a little authority on the writing--and I did. Because if its on that list, then I have to do it (that of course, comes from training). I can't not do it. He's asked me to do x & y, therefore I will do it. 
So that chapter got finished. 
But I also had a clear day, which made the writing easier. I'm not sure what would have happened if I had a full work day and full list to do for the business. 
Now, it did help when I took a couple of breaks through writing that chapter during that day, to message back and forth with a couple of friends, where I said, "I have to finish the chapter."
So I'm not sure if a bit of interaction while I'm writing helps, or acknowledgement that its a task I have to complete, helped. 

I'm not sure if there is a little tiny part of me who is looking to be forced into doing this (because I don't usually need to be 'forced') or if I am somehow looking for him to exert our norm on this--he doesn't exert the D/s protocols on say, work and I get my work done, always. 
I'm missing some kind of support that I'm looking for and can't identify. 
And I feel like a whiny, selfish twat for writing this, but here here it is, I just need to get off of being stalled. 

Saturday, 12 October 2013

Thank-you, Blogland!

Its Thanksgiving Weekend! 

I'm particularly fond of this holiday, I like being grateful and can easily get into the spirit of this long weekend. 

And I have a lot to be grateful for...
For my Master, always. 
For conversations that lasted till dawn....(as always, thank-you). 
For the hovel and hearth. 
For living in this gorgeous place.

But...I am so grateful for Blogland. 
What a place this is! It has had a great impact on my journey. 
This community has taught me so much and I have learned so much by reading, exchanging ideas and thoughts with so many. Here, has given me a place to find my voice and share with an audience. 

For the Blogs that are no more, but which I am extremely thankful to have read : 
Derek & Verity Ant, Ward & June, Emen and Sommar. 

Grateful for the mind-melds that often occur with Lil and Green-girl. 

Thanks for the kindness and care of Joey, Sarah, Faerie and Anna May and Belle. 
Grateful for Sir J's viewpoints and Pygar's insights. 

Thank-you, Trish; for the discovery of a genre called 'spanking romance' and all the wisdom shared.

Thankful for the blogs I read long before I pitched one of my own: Elysia, Sarah, DJ Black, Omega & Mouse, Bonnie and so many more...

Grateful for the sharp wit and insights of Tori, Fondles and Roz. 

Thankful to duck into the blogs that show and tell: Denis, Sunnygirl, Hermione, Ana, Mickey, Misty, Abby and Dancingbarez.
So much appreciation to all the writers and artists who ramble and scrawl.
 I am grateful for the readers, the lurkers, the silent subscribers. 

Thank-you Blogland. 



Friday, 11 October 2013

Friday Fragments: Reflecting: Discipline and Lessons

Lately, I have found myself taking stock.
 Looking at where we have been, the lessons learnt along the way and where we are now and catching a glimpse-fleeting as it might be-of where we are going.

I feel, that I am approaching a new way of thinking, a new level of paradigm and I am able to catch it as it is unfolding. Introspection, is also a learnt skill. 
It takes discipline to focus new thoughts and discipline to put those thoughts into action, discipline and many sides of it are so crucial to our dynamic.
It has taken a certain steadfastness and discipline on his part to guide us through the many transformations our relationship has taken, discipline to stay true to the processes.
It has taken self-discipline on my part to trust that those processes, are going somewhere. 

That's all discipline of the mind.

He has used physical discipline and pain to modify my behaviour, and the result has been...an etching in my memory. Associating what I did wrong, the missteps taken, or his displeasure felt, with the physical/mental impositions. 
So many particulars, I once struggled with, were once hard to focus on--those particulars that make up day-to-day living.
 Through repeated discipline-both the physical imposition and the mental affects, many of those details have now become second nature. 
His use of pain, also puts me in place.
 Reminding me, that I can be used in whatever way he desires. 
When he strikes me or punishes me, it is natural...and while I don't always feel it in the moment, there is this profound feeling of gratefulness that I experience: Grateful that he has taken the time, given me the attention to help me improve.
The subtle shifts in thinking have been profound. His will has more and more become mine.
He had a vision for what he wanted us to be...that expanded and flexed over time and I feel like we are fulfilling that vision, a little bit more each day. 
 The absolute love, devotion, intimacy...are all living tenets in constant motion and consistent growth. 

Wednesday, 9 October 2013

Cold Consequences

(Trying to update blogs Monday, Wednesday and Fridays...thank-you for your patience and staying with me). 

“Please boink and play with me.”
I asked this, hours earlier.
He likes it when I initiate sex and ask for play.
Of course, that doesn't mean that because I've asked for it, I'm given it.
But asking for sex and play took a bit to learn. 
Now, its so natural....been taking stock lately, what was once hard and what is now second nature...anyways...
“When you are feeling better”, He replied.
He might have made a comment about how I'm kind of gross, in this sickly state.
I have been under the weather since Sunday night. What started out with nausea and extreme dizziness tapered off into a cold, thankfully. 
I hate being sick.
I don't handle it well.
He doesn't handle it well, either, truth be told.
In the middle of the night, I felt one of those deceptive spurts of energy, where you actually feel a bit better but really nothing much has changed.
And my thoughts...I was thinking of a conversation of where I kind of but not really told a friend of how I knew I was submissive...how I learned about kink...and that got me to thinking of a very early experience.
And thinking of that...I rolled over.
Had the intention of seeing if I could wake-up my husband.
I succeeded.
Seconds, it seemed like.
Seconds for him to wake up, flip me over, pull down my panties and roughly use me.
Seconds, where he spread apart my the lips of my pussy and pinched my clitoris.
Seconds, where he drove into me hard and fast and raunchy.
It felt like he was reclaiming my body.
I started to say something...
“You don't need to be speaking”, He said.
And there was this moment where my head was buried under a pile of pillows and it was very hard to breathe and I stood it as long as I could before I shimmied them a little bit away from me.
Seconds later, where Horace took his fill and covered me back up.
“Finger yourself through your panties, you dirty girl.”
In wetness and stickiness, I did, coming to orgasm and collapsed on his chest.
Horace was already back to sleep...or at least I thought.
Until I heard, “you're going to be punished tomorrow for being sick.”
Hard to take what he was saying at that moment seriously.
In the past, he has told me it is now a rule that I can't get sick but really? How am I supposed to obey that one?
Few things are sweeter than early-morning-after-dawn-before-the-alarm-clock-goes-off-sex.

He has control over my body.
From orgasm control and denial, to having to ask permission to use the bathroom (and sometimes that involves 'how'...I'm horribly uncomfortable with having to ask in front of people...and there has been mention of a plan to 'improve' this...which makes me kind of cringe) to deciding on how my hair is styled. Two of the very first rules, way back were,“Take your vitamin. Eat a piece of fruit.”
I'm his property. He takes good care of his things and expects me to follow suit. 
And for me, someone who has worked so laboriously in having control over my body, its a bit of a mindf*ck to relinquish that hard won control.
He hardly ever gets sick and according to Horace, there is no reason for his property to come down with anything.
Punishments, these days are rare.
Certainly I'll be given a correction or a reprimand but though punishment still exists in our dynamic, as always it is used to illustrate a point, get the message across that he isn't happy with how I've been acting or to correct behaviour. 
Not for something frivolous..or...impossible to control.
But though it was uttered sleepily, Horace was quite serious about punishing me for being sick.
The punishment, it turns out is writing lines:
I will take good and proper care of my Master's property and maintain my good health. No longer shall I utter the phrase "I'm sick." Nor shall I look forward to being sick again." (200x)

I hate anything that is tedious or boring, its been awhile since Horace has made this imposition.
His logic is, I have wasted his time by being sick and thrown off our schedules.
 He knows how much I dislike tedium. And I whine when I'm sick. 
Which annoys him, hence the reference to not uttering a constant mantra.
Now, I doubt this will make me cold-free. 
But it will make me less likely to complain about it. 
At least, one can hope so.