Thursday, 30 January 2014

Updating...in Blue

This cold.
The chilly weather is completely draining my enthusiasm. 
It hasn't been an easy week. 
Disappointment, has kind of been the emotional cloud hanging over the week. 
Combine that with the odd sense of loneliness I'm still experiencing, its just been peachy.
 Actually, I think the disappointment just served to heighten the loneliness. 

Sorry to be so cheerful, after this time away. 
Contrary to appearances, I'm actually capable of great patience. 
I have waited for hours to have a five-minute conversation, more times than I can remember.  
And that about sums up my patience--if I love you, if I love it, then I can tap into reserves of strength that will make me capable of being patient. 
 However, I have great impatience with myself. But is it really impatience?
I just have this want, for now. 
For it all to be now, and its kind of a pulsing thing in my being, I've always had. 
 And I know. I know this. 
It isn't new; I know what is happening here.
I know why something wanted seems so far away, I know why it isn't coming yet. 

Let's try to throw some logic in this post. 
The loneliness-it is M/s, yes...but its also the curse of the solitary to be apart--Bleuame, you said logic--right, sorry... 
So in other words, the loneliness hasn't eased. 
Heartfelt thanks to my friends in Blogland, your comments and messages, seriously helped. 

So in the midst of disappointment and loneliness, what do you do? 
Get on with it. 
Throw myself into work, his work. 
Because his success...is what matters to me, most. 
His success brings us the adventures that stir my spirit. 
Run around like a madwoman, event-planning (wonder why I never went to school for something I could use in life) and crossed-fingers, hoping the entertainment decides to show up (long story). 
And...work on the book. 

Had to rewrite an entire chapter, but it's a good thing. 
I might be able to play way outside of the genre, and I can call it all kinds of things, creating sub-genre soup, but in the end, its still a romance book. 
A romance book needs a Happily Ever After Ending. 
And they, apparently aren't my strong suit. 
 
All next week (you know, if the Hovel isn't hit with sickness, if I'm not frozen completely solid and disappointment and loneliness hasn't crushed my being completely)I hit the editing thing, hard. 
 Then off to the critters. 
Really.
All I can offer, is more of that heartfelt thanks for hanging with me. 

I will put this book out...and winter will end. 





 

Tuesday, 21 January 2014

This Cold...

Just won't go away. 
Its freezing outside. 
I'm very tired of winter. 

Last week, I had moved around work, so I could dedicate a week to working on the book. 
Then Sir got sick--I'm sure you all know what than can do to the best well-laid plans.
Starting this week?
I've lost my voice. 
It seems I have caught part of what he had--I don't even know how that's possible. 
And its annoying.

My go to remedy for colds/flu is a ginger bath which sounds absurd, but does provide a godly amount of relief. What's your favourite remedy for the cold season?





Monday, 13 January 2014

Bleu Solitaire

"Language... has created the word "loneliness" to express the pain of being alone. And it has created the word "solitude" to express the glory of being alone."
~Paul Tillich


A relationship, belongs to the people who are in it. There is an inherit alone in that. All the day to day living, the experiences, the precious moments shared, only belong to the people who were there, having those same experiences. Relationships can be very exclusive. 
In the past couple of months, Sir and I have guarded our time together. We've declined invitations of socialising; the chaotic pace of life has demanded that and I always feel a strong urge to hibernate in the cold months. 
But within M/s...I've been feeling a peculiar brand of loneliness, I can't really define. 
I think, in this ttwd realm, there is importance of normalizing kinky experiences. 
And this blog is great for that and by extension Blogland. 
But sometimes, an understanding or empathetic ear would be nice to have before I get the words out on the screen. 
And while we certainly engage with a kink community..its hard to fine a pair who has a similar dynamic as ours. I know, comparisons can be useful, they have a place, serving as learning and teaching from what other people do or how they navigate all of this but they can also be downfalls.
I'm often met with visceral reactions, when it comes to the control Sir has over me and the degree of submission I lay at his feet. 
Its one thing to say, "Your kink is not my kink..." and those words and the sentiment night be heartfelt, but its another thing to relay an incidence to a kinky-minded friend and receive a negative reaction to the tale. 

I'm a solitary by nature. 
I truly don't need many people. 
I like being alone. 
There is a difference between basking in solitude and feeling loneliness, I know this well. 

But this sense of loneliness in M/s that I'm experiencing, is hard to describe, hard to relate.
All I can say about is, right now, I feel loneliness in....

Being His. 
Being a submissive. 
Being Owned. 
Being a slave. 

I'm sure it will ease, eventually. 


Wednesday, 8 January 2014

Consorting

Sometimes, I play with words and meanings to differentiate all the myriad compartments of life. 
Today, for instance, I'm very much his consort. 

Sending out emails, proofreading, confirming meetings, making phone calls, organising towers of paperwork; the tasks I often to daily to feed the business. 
Last night, Sir told me something that sent my heart all aflutter. 
Change. 
Change!
I thrive on change.
That, apparently makes me a freak. 
I want to race towards it. My usual goal, is to get to one point to another. And its only because he taught me to slow down and enjoy the pace that I don't race ill-prepared towards the next...whatever it is. 
So I have learned to take pleasure in the quiet and the small moments, in the mundane. 
But its still a challenge. 
I excel at change. 
He's calm and steady--and I also know that this proposed change didn't happen overnight--he has thought about it for an awfully long time. 
And it might not happen right away, but the fact that its there--that the murmur of it in consideration has grown strong enough to give voice to it--I know it will happen. 
So, today, I've been knee-deep in preparing for that change. 

But before that conversation, moments after Sir came home, he tumbled me on the bed and had his way with me. I wasn't overly compliant--I had my own day from Hades and I just wasn't feeling like it-but as he reminded me, that didn't matter. 
So he boinked me hard and fast and it was good.
Until he set me a new task. 
"You will use this every day and be reminded that I control your pleasure,the only reason why pain becomes pleasure is because I allow it".
Have I mentioned that I am not fond of ...things that can be inserted?
And its big. 

The M/s is there, always. 
Weather I'm doing something that's wife-like in appearance or business partner in appearance. 
Everything, is because he said so and I've yielded all of that encompasses to him. 
And some days, the balance struck is easier to keep than others. 

I have been a horrible blog-comment-leaver lately, but I am reading! 
Book is still in editing. And its going slower than I like, but I don't want to rush that step. 
Patience. 




Monday, 6 January 2014

The Strength of Our Normal

Most of them time, I get it.
And I excel at it.
Without complaint, without protest, without a raised eyebrow.
I do what he asks.
I obey him.
I strive to anticipate his needs and be a couple steps ahead.

And I have learned to be patient.
And I have learned to dim the ferocity of my emotions.
And I have learned to put aside my wants.
 And it works, for us.

But there are other times, where the patience wears on me, my wants are a loud clamour in my head and because I feel everything so strongly and acutely, I can't hold off the raging tide of emotion.
And it is usually brought on by something that I want to jump on and he wants to wait on.
Because I feel it should be now but he thinks it should be later.
But it gets to me and I get frustrated because he doesn't seem to get that it bothers me--and that's never quite fair because he can see it bothers me and he know it does but he's decided it shouldn't.
Like he can decide how I feel...
But sometimes he can.
And that's annoying.

So...all of this raises to a challenge. By me.
And it brings us to the familiar impasse that was Friday's post.
It never lasts for too long.
We talk.
He beats me and reminds me of my place.
And then a typical Sunday rolls around, where I've made a late breakfast, while he's working and then we eat together and he goes back to work, I clean up, thoroughly clean the Hovel and make pasta sauce...in other words, things are brought back to centre.








Friday, 3 January 2014

Friday Fragments: Blind Faith

Sometimes, when this topic comes up in my mind, I refer back to a comment that Green-Girl left on this post, her words caused me to ponder the meanings in a new light.
Stability. 
To a certain degree, I live life with blinders on. 
Sir takes care of the details. He looks after the money.
 He decides what we do, when we do it, where we apply our energy and resources to, when and how.
I vaguely know our overall financial picture-vaguely-but I do have access to all pertinent information, if there was ever a need for me to have it.
But...the reflex of not always having money is a powerful and complex entity. 
Because when he says, "Not now" or "I don't want to" or "No" to doing something, my first, immediate instinct is to bring up the indoctrinate mantra of "We don't have enough", from the depths of my distant past.
That, bothers him. 
In other words, I make it about money, when its not about money at all. 
Especially, when I don't understand why he is stalling on something.
 And he isn't being terribly forth coming about his reasons. 
When the thing that he is stalling on-in my head-relates to money-I can't help but feel panicky. 
I can't help but churn it over in my mind, piece by piece and can't help but feel fear. 
And I can't help but let that fear fester, until I wake up in cold-sweats and feel that I am going to go loose it. 

This reaction...bothers him...because he has no framework to compare it to. 
It bothers him, because he sees it as me not putting my trust in him. 
But it isn't about trust. 
I trust him, to keep a roof over our heads. 
And he has, singlehandedly for many years. 
Its one thing, that fills me with a fierce kind of pride, knowing how hard he has worked for us. 

Yet....when he is remaining silent on his reasons for not moving on something, I don't know what to think, and therefore I don't know how else to redirect that instant emotional reaction. 
He isn't giving me information to fill in the blanks. 
And then, my mind races and scrambles to complete the picture. 
I don't like this, at all. 

Then, I get angry at myself, because I do trust him. 
So, if I trust him, why can't I put blind faith in the fact that he will eventually decide to move on this issue, he will take care of it, he will make it right?

I'm spinning my wheels.
Blindly. 



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