Monday, 31 March 2014

A Question of Poly?

"Hi Bleuame. I was wondering have you and Horace ever considered an open poly relationship?  Do you think poly could work for you?" -Anon. 

I think, when you start to realize there is more to kink than the scenes you've played out in your bedroom, that this BDSM stuff extends further than chains and ropes, when you have discovered people actually live life this way--like that book you may read--and you stumble into blogs or sites, FL, or maybe a good Tumblr, you become exposed to sexuality on a whole different scale than you ever thought existed and it becomes impossible not to wonder, be curious or at the very least talk about it all (or write about it all). 

So yes, Horace and I have had many, many conversations about poly and if an open-marriage is something we could see ourselves having. I think "considered" might be too strong to describe how far we have taken it, but we have talked at great length about it. 

Poly appeals to me. 

I get it. 
I really, really get it
It makes a great deal of sense to me. 

I think often, we are so very limited in how we love and I like that poly pushes the confines of that expectation. I think it is possible to love more than one, two or three people at the same time.
 I especially love seeing when a polygamous relationship works well--that all people are fulfilled and to take it to the furthest boarder the offspring are growing up in a village. It's kind of a nice image. 
It tugs at my heart strings and soothes a longing in my being to contemplate. 

I don't think either monogamy or poly is "natural", I think both are choices. 
One is obviously the more expected and accepted model. 

But poly, it's not for me. 

To know that for sure that it isn't for me, we would have to try it out.
 But Horace is right, when he said, that's taking one heck of a leap, if both of us aren't sure this is right for both of us. 
 (Someone of you might be thinking, "But you're his slave...if he wanted an open relationship, wouldn't you have to go along with it?" Sort of.  I'll explain the "sort of" part in a minute. This is one clear incidence where our marriage came before M/s, considering it had to do with possibly changing our structure of marriage). 

I'm a solitaire. 

I let so very few people into my world. 
I like being the witch in the cave.

But, when someone does enter my cave, it's like an affair. 
It's an attraction that I've never really been able to explain. 
I fling my whole self into the relationship (and it's platonic, non-sexual).
Emotionally, I'm there with my whole heart and soul.
Intellectually, they are the centre of my focus. 
Downside is, I'm just intense. I ride emotions with that whole self and then reflect that back at the person. So these cave-enters are never long relationships but they are all kinds of depth.
Until in blows up. 
Then I'm hurting. 
And Horace is left dealing with an emotional soup Bleuame and has to reach into bag of tricks and make a call. 

With one exception, this has been the pattern my entire life when it comes to friendships.
There is a very good reason why most of the time, I only have casual acquaintances.
So given all that, I can't possibly see how I could deal well with a poly situation.
There is no way for me not to feel with that much abandon and humans are very messy. 

I don't think I could emotionally detach enough to benefit anyone, I got very lucky that Horace can deal with me.
And I don't know how I can separate sex and the emotional ramifications-I'm not sure that is a possible thing for me to do. 

However, (this would be the "sort of") if Horace came to me and said that he didn't feel his needs were being met, that he truly desired something more, and he thought an open-marriage was it, I would be willing to try and get my head around it enough to be okay with him having sex with others.
How could you deny your partner something they feel they need to do? 

I'm happy when he's happy. I'm happy when the people in my life are happy. 
And I don't think jealously would be my issue--I don't find myself to be a jealous person and I do think jealously is a learned behaviour, I like what this article says about jealousy and being poly-but being left out, that might be a problem. 

I hate being left out. 
Of anything. 
And I do wonder how I would deal with it, if...poly became more than a conversation. 
To be truthful, I'm not sure. 

Right now, at this very moment, life is good. We are content and happy. 

No need to shake it least not by adding poly to our life. 

This video clip is long, but completely fascinating and worth the watch if you have the time and are interested in poly.

It certainly has been a great question month! Thank-you to everyone who sent in questions and I hope the answers I have given are satisfying. 

Friday, 28 March 2014

Friday Fragments: Light Questions

Ahhh....Question Month is nearly at an end!
Trying to remember what Blogging was like before the questions. 
I have one last question on poly waiting in my inbox and this, light batch here and we're done!

Tori did pose a question on if I think submission is nature vs. nurture but to that I will say...a little bit of both. Perhaps. Under the right circumstances. And it depends on what kind of nurture...oh but really, you should all just go read what Lil has to say on that subject.

Today's questions brought to you by Heather:

1. What do you hate the most about Blogging? 

Comments. Don't get me wrong, dear friends, I love hearing your feedback and opinions and thoughts and that is such a huge part of this corner of Blogland. But...I have a love/hate relationship with comments. And sometimes, I feel like I should just close the blog to comments and at one point in this blog's history, I did. But you know what happened?
You all just emailed me instead. 

Sometimes, what I write I feel it's just for me. It's just my attempt at working something out that is only half-formed in my head and I don't want an opinion or commentary on it--but when it comes to Blogging, I think it's best to be sincere and sometimes that means being raw. And sometimes, that means reading what other people think of that rawness. There is a price when you choose to put your thoughts in the public form. 
It's a small one, most of the time, a step one when you want silence. 

2. If you could live anywhere, where would it be? 

Somewhere warm, because at this point, I'm in so much pain because of the winter. Seriously. 

3. What is your favourite colour? 

**Blinks***. You're just not paying attention. 

4. What do you love the most about Blogging? 

Reading other people's posts. Knowing I am not alone in this crazy kink M/s thing, meeting interesting and delightful people, communicating my thoughts and ideas and half-formed brainwaves. 

5. What's one thing you really want to do but haven't done yet? 

Yeah. I will write that ebook. And then another, and another one and another one. 
 First book is in edits; but it's going to be kicked back to me with a lot of work to do on it. 
I'll be happy if the book is up and available for sale in August--that will be a year from when I made the decision to self-publish. 

Thank-you for the questions. 


Have a great weekend, my friends!

Monday, 24 March 2014


Mr. Horrid asks, "What do you think would give you cause to take M/s off the table? This barring the typical answer of abuse or infidelity."

That's quite a question.

In our case, the M/s relationship is a commitment. 
Actually, our relationship is a commitment and the M/s is part of that commitment, intertwined. 

And I would think it's a commitment for anyone else who labels their relationships D/s, M/s, etc but I could be wrong because lately, I've seen a lot where M/s or D/s is nothing more than a game to be halted when something outside of the relationship goes wrong.

And more often than not, it's the 's' type that demands the D/s, M/s stops and a lot of what I have observed that serves as the trigger to this is job loss.

Job loss is hard. It can be brutal on a relationship. I speak from experience because our early years together was tough. In the whole time I have been with Horace he has lost two long term jobs and been unemployed three times. It's rough.

Back to my example, the Dominant looses his job and the the 's' type spouts off something like this: “We're taking a break from D/s, I've taken it off the table. How can I possibly respect him when he can't respect himself enough to keep a job (find a job, have a job)?”

What goes through my mind in response to that is this:

Do you have kids or pets? Have you made them aware that your respect for them is based on what they own, on what they can provide you with? You probably should.

Respect, in my opinion, has a lot to do with how someone treats me and how they treat themselves, than what I own or what they can give me.
So instead of supporting your Dominant, you know the man you love, the one you trust, instead of going through this with him, you make demands. You nag and shout and pout.
And on top of all that pressure that he is feeling now-job loss in this example but it could be anything- you cut him off at the knees by calling off some form of stability, in demanding that your relationship be changed. You take away the one thing he has control over and probably the one thing he feels in control of, confidence builder, that.

A lot of this partnering is about sticking together and getting through the tough times and I think people in general are a lot less willing to stay in and work it out.

So job loss didn't shake our M/s or make me want to take it off the table.
Disapproval and acceptance from family didn't make me want to run for the hills.
Family bereavement and loss didn't shake us.
Career changes and working long hours, didn't make me want to call the M/s quits.

So what would make me want to take M/s off the table?

I don't have the right to take it off the table: that's part of this consensual slavery. 

However, If Master came to me, and said that it isn't working. That he isn't being fulfilled. That he doesn't want it anymore. If he he was unhappy living life this way.
 If Master said so, that's what would give me cause to take M/s off the table.

Friday, 21 March 2014

Friday Fragments: Kinky Questions

It's never going to end.
No, not question month-I have a few more to tackle and all these questions have been interesting. 
I was talking about winter...I'm just out of words to describe the pain. 

Today's questions
 from Tori and Joey : 

1) What would be your favourite 3 'kinks'? 

That should be an easy question and the answer is obvious. 
"Humiliation" and I could spot that as ranking in my top 3, it took me awhile to come to terms with that as a kink and my feelings in relation to humiliation/degradation being 'ok',
But my limits are truly Master's and I like the kink that brings out that slow, sly, smile that tells me the sadist is out to play.
He sets the scene, commands the tone and I follow. 

2) Is there anything you would like to try but Horace has no interest in?

I don't know if it's because I'm just happy in slavehood these days, or because we've been doing this long enough that the novelty has worn off, but I don't have a great urge to go out and try new things anymore.
Once upon a time, it was all things rope. Now that we've explored that road thoroughly, I'm satisfied and can take it or leave it.
I see or read about things that make me curious but I have no real desire to try it on for size. 
But needle/play piercings have always fascinated me, I love the kind of artistry and effect but I'm not sure how I would be if it was actually done to me. 
Horace has absolutely no interest in this, so I doubt I'll ever find out. 

3) What two kinky things do you want to try?

Other than needle play, it's amusing to me to entertain thoughts of being co-topped. 
The list of people I trust on this planet, is abysmally small and the list of people that Horace would let touch me, might even be smaller, so this is just a curious-amusing thought train I get on every now again. 
Horace's kink is really control and there is a part of me that is wildly curious in how that would play out in a co-topping scenario.

Thank-you for the questions. 

Have a great weekend, my friends!

Wednesday, 19 March 2014

A Non-Kinky Life (A Question)

Do you ever think how different life would be without anything kink?
A thoughtful question from Mouse.

Yes, I do think about how different life would be without anything kink.
 It would be awesome if we were having long play sessions and kinky marathons well into our octogenarian years. 

But the truth is, engaging in kink, requires some physical wholeness and life being what life is, you figure at sometime or another there is a point where we aren't going to be able to kink it up anymore.

There have been weeks where we've simply been too busy with work or our latest adventure to do anything kinky.

Has our relationship suffered in these times?
No, because we were way too busy focusing on whatever was in front of us.

But is a M/s relationship kink?

I'm pretty sure there are many, many, many people who have healthy, fulfilling relationships that would resemble M/s (or D/s, etc) who have never read a blog or visited FetLife.

I think kink is great, it can be an experience that offers up so much.
 But I also think it's kind of the linchpin that brings about the connection, the intimacy, the feeling of oneness. And as I give more and more over to this surrender thing, what I crave more than the flogger across my shoulders or the rope around my arms, is that intimacy, it's the feelings that kink can bring out, the connectives that we may have already have, but expanded on as  we learned through kink.

I trust us.

That trust and connection won't suffer or change if our lives are without kink.
It would be different, yes.

I'm not sure how it would different. We would probably be entangled in some kind of crazy or another-we're not people who like to sit still-but different is just the unknown to now.


Thank-you, Mouse for the question. 

Monday, 17 March 2014

Pain, Punishment and Humiliation, Part Two (Questions and Answers)

Question: Do you think punishment is effective as a submissive? Do you think punishment is effective if you are a masochist or love humiliation?

Google, “definition of punishment” and this definition will come up:
“noun: punishment. 1.the infliction or imposition of a penalty as retribution for an offence.”
And all punishment is, is that. 

But it's amazing how much is made of it in this TTWD world. 
Over the years, Master has experimented with punishment because to be honest, he likes it as part of our dynamic and he thinks it's effective. It does a couple of things: It resets, it cleanses the slate. It brings us back to harmony. And when I screw up, it gets across the point, very effectively that if I go against the grain, there will be consequences and it does stick in my mind, it does make an impression. But the point isn't to bring out feelings of misery or shaming or even disappointed—Master might be disappointed with how I acted but never disappointed in me-the point is knowing I have agreed to life live this way and when I step out of the lines, there will be consequences. Maybe I've forgotten, maybe it slipped my mind, maybe the emotion of the moment or situation was just a little too intense and I acted on impulse. 
The point of punishment, isn't even to teach—in my opinion, that's what training and conditioning are for-it's just a simple, “you screwed up, here's the price” and that's really all there is to it.

So to go back to my story from last week, I was clearly colouring out of the lines, when it wasn't appropriate for me to do so.

Master took issue with my behaviour. He let me know that he wasn't please by how I acted, talked to me about it and then handed out the punishment. The punishment was I would spend each day of that week writing 200 lines per day, for a total of 1000 by Friday of that week.
He gave me lots of hugs and we ended up salvaging what was left of our Sunday night which we both hold as precious time.
Punishments, in this household are really far and few between. 
He's more likely to give me a correction if I slip up but punishments do serve their purposes.

The first day, Monday, I was sub-dropping pretty hard and after I eventually worked through it, I kind of got down to the task at hand.

Master kept in contact with me throughout the day, teasing me and asking how I was feeling, how I was making out with the task.

That led to that hard to define mixture of desire, being goaded by those hard to put in words feeling of humiliation—which really, for me is the whole enchilada, because my desire is really goaded by humiliation and vice versa. So by the end of that day, I was a hot mess and Master knew it.

I was in a state.

He could have left me like that, he didn't have to do anything with the information I was giving him all day. I wasn't demanding his attentions, I wasn't asking for relief. 

Now, just because I was craving fulfillment of those desires, just because I wanted or enjoyed the pain of did not lesson how I felt. I knew I screwed up. I was very sorry, genuinely, sincerely sorry. My reactions, did not take away from the sincerity of how sorry I was for behaving in that way.

Master chose to take advance of the state I was in. When he came home, we played hard. He trussed me up, put a butt plug in and went to tormenting me in ways that gave me relief and soothed the churning desires and fed my need for humiliation and it turned out to be an incredible experience. He did decide to put me on orgasm denial (which as it has very little to do with humiliation-though it can-, seriously doesn't do all that much for me one way or another but it pleased him...he likes control. But seriously, I don't get the big deal about being denied an orgasm..even for a week).

The next day, everything had simmered down, including the feelings of arousal and desire and it was just a boring, tedious punishment task that I got through, day after day without complaining.

My answer to the question, “Do you think punishment is effective as a submissive? Do you think punishment is effective if you are a masochist or love humiliation? “

It depends on the submissive. It depends on the intent of the punishment (is actually a consequence or is it a way to play?) and it depends how punishment is being used.

I know, not a very enlightening answer but that is my opinion.

Personally, i have questions on how much a masochist I actually am, because I really don't know if I like pain or if I like the things that accompany pain. And here, if I want play then I ask for it. I don't act out to get it. Master's idea of “funishment” is to make me choose a toy from our box (often accompanied by, “No Bleue. It is not like Sophie's Choice. Choose a toy already").

Like so many things in this TTWD soup, we all do it differently and have different reactions. 

So the actions being done always depends on the people involved.

Thank-you for the question.

Thursday, 13 March 2014

Kinky and Witchy: BDSM And Paganism

This question, came from greengirl  from way back on 06/03/2013:
I know very little about paganism. Do you feel, or how do you feel it interacts with ttwd for you or for both of you? thanks " 

It might not seem like it, but that's such a big question!
And it took me a long time to even realize how to answer it but I've enjoyed it sitting there in my inbox and truth be told, I have drafts upon drafts in an attempt to answer this. 

Horace and I have also talked about it (that means, I've gently bugged him about it and he's kind of grinned and told me that I'm on my own with this one). 

For me, being a witch is who I am and it's impossible to try and separate where that starts and ends and where it starts and ends with being a slave or kinky.
 So after a lot of thought on this topic, I think it comes down to how experiences have shaped perceptions and beliefs. 

Horace had a storybook childhood and in that childhood, though he had exposure to fear-based religions (such as 'going to church'), he was never influenced by doctrine. His parents had a lovely, open way about sex and were very open and honest with their kids about it all. He has such a gentil way about him; that's his personality but I do wonder at times, how much his upbringing had to do with shaping that. There is no hard-edges to Horace. So I think, for him when he found BDSM and came to understand and identify as a sadist and dominant, there was a whole lot less resistance to push through. Of course, he struggled at times with the societal influences, the ones that say, "you don't hit women" very much. 

As childhoods go, we're basically on the opposite spectrum...though mine wasn't horrible but there was indoctrination, there was fear installed about sex. When I came to be a witch, my eyes opened in a really awesome way about all that, really shifting my perceptions on how sex, or expressing love was far from wrong. 
So fumbling around the studies of paganism, taught me a lot and some important things. 
All I really learned was to know myself. 
And I know, that must sound pap. But it's true. There was great emphasis placed on knowing yourself and that in my opinion, is the stem of everything.
It's not always an easy thing, to look deep into mirrors that are being held up in front of you at times, it was more painful than anything Horace has ever done to me.  
But the results have been worth it. 
It takes a certain amount of self-awareness, I think to be kinky.
It takes a certain about of self-perception to be good at being a partner. 
And it takes a certain amount of trust, to sometimes respect your partner's path and get out of their way, and you know it's their path because you know yours. 
I think, as a couple in relation to paganism, that would have to be the most tangible.
If there is something Horace feels he needs to do or explore, I do my best to respect or to think of it as being part of his path and I try my best to get out of his way. 
That means being supportive but not interfering. 
And he has done the same for me. 
He's led us on some pretty intense adventures. Some of them didn't work out, some of them did swimmingly. 
And I've gone and done things that I know he would have rather put the brakes on but has respected as something I felt I needed to do therefore a part of my path and has gone on in with me. 
I've hitched my star to his, I have no choice but to follow but I do have a choice of whether I be with him or against him. 
And because I have that self-knowledge, it also helps me to understand how much of it really isn't about me. 
Our beliefs might have taken very different paths to be shaped but it is a joint belief in what love means. It is love without the hinder of fear and the belief that all those great kinky things we get up to, is an extension of that love. 
It is having perfect trust in each other. 

I hope I have managed to answer this question with some sense. 

Tuesday, 11 March 2014

Pain, Punishment and Humiliation, Leading to Questions, Part One

It had been awhile since we played, what with funerals and life and all.

We had a couple of kinky quickies but it had probably been about three weeks or so, since we really had a good play session.
We did this past weekend.

Master had me waiting for him, spread and in bonds. He started by swinging a whip at me, the leather kissing my skin, the pain blossoming. It was awesome.
After the whipping, Master came at me with an insertable.

He's been waiting for a new anal hook to arrive but in the meantime, making do with a stand in. My whole body and head shut down. Seriously.
There was something about it..or maybe that we hadn't done it in so long, but I was freaked.
I protested loudly, cursed like a sailor, might have said something along the lines of how much I hated him in that moment in time.
One of the best tricks I've learned in trying to get myself in the right head space and holding it, in the moment, is the self-prep talk.
“It's just pain. I can take it. I like this. I trust him. Trust, relax, submit” but that wasn't working either. 
I did not want what he was planning on doing, to happen. I wanted no part of it.
Years ago, this might have ended with me storming out of the room.
Now, when I hit a wall and he wants something, he just picks me up and throws me threw the wall. 
He threw hard. 

Hook went in and the pain, well, I felt the pain because my head wasn't in that ultra alternative place not to feel the pain. He played with that for awhile, clamping my nipples and went back to beating my ass. Then Master flipped me over, and...there really is no other way to say it, banged me hard. Hard and fast and even though I was feeling pain, my body was completely betrayed and I was dripping wet. The sex lasted for a very long time and was fantastic.
After that, Master played with me, bringing me to climax.
And after that...He changed my position again, flipping me onto my stomach and gave me a great dose of humiliation play.
I was to the point of not being able to talk much by the time Master was done. 
There might have been a cane, a light flogger, and um, spitting. Because that's a thing. 
He spat on me.
Not that this is new, but you know, it's a thing now.
All of that, went on for an hour or two and considering I was at rag-doll status, Master took me again.
With his sadist satisfied and me mush, we went on with our day.
Depending on what we are doing, depends on the aftercare. This session was very intense and I'm not sharing all the details here, but it was one that called for aftercare.
So he made me hot chocolate and then was super nice and got a take-a-way.

It was a lovely rest of the evening. Snuggling and cuddling and just spending time together and it should have ended on a really high note as we couched it and watched a couple of shows.
It didn't.
“Time to put you in bed”.
And I burst into tears.
I didn't want our lovely weekend to end. Didn't want him to leave me the following day for work, didn't want to come back to reality.
He hugged me and made all the right comforting actions and I felt better.
I really thought I was centered, but maybe I needed more time in that comforting stage.
Because, what happened next isn't great.

I lost it on him.
To say, "I yelled", is like saying 'a Banshee whispers."

Of course that isn't acceptable.
And more so, emotions and handling them, is something I have worked very, very, very hard. It is an area we have learned more about handling.
And it had been a very long time (for me) since this had happened.

Now, when I say “emotional” people for some reason, tend to think, “oh she has a temper” and it isn't that. They also think, “she wants attention" and it isn't that either.
I'm an introvert.
Attention to me, is like splashing cold water on my face. Unwanted.
It was through this blog that this became more of an issue for us to really study because people would make these comments and I knew that it wasn't it and it all left me very depressed.
 But on a routine doctor's visit, an off-handed comment, combined with all the other feedback and knowing myself and Master knowing me, led us giving it a higher priority and making changes in the managing of my emotions.
Pesky neurons. In the same way that it takes me an extra step, or two to control my body, it does with my emotions (just one of those off-handed comments that was life-changing).
None of this has any really bearing on what happened, but I'm just putting it in here for observation reasons.
Suffice it to say, I was very unhappy with myself when I lost it like that, because of all the work we've done on this challenging aspect.
Oh and Master?
Yeah, he wasn't pleased. 
So here it is, that I'm one day in to a week long punishment task and that has led to all kinds of thoughts about punishment and humiliation and is punishment effective if you're a masochist.
It just happens there is a question on all of that in my inbox.

Blogland, I love you dearly, but you have gone a little bonkers this year with the flood of questions...and I'm delighting in that odd kind of way. 

Part two, on this one will have to wait till next week.

Monday, 10 March 2014

Question of Expectations

Misty, over at A Submission to Submissiveness, asked “Why did you disagree with my statement about it being okay to want but not to expect?”
She was referring to this post of hers,  and where I said, I disagreed with her when she said, “because it's okay to want things but it's not okay to expect them.”

I disagree, because in my opinion, wanting things and not expecting them is kind of bleak.
I also disagree because so often, you see all the expectations placed on the submissive and few placed on the Dominant.
And in my opinion, that doesn't make a healthy, happy relationship
There is a lot of give and take involved with this D/s thing.

I want a roof over my head. I expect Master to be the provider.
I have that want and that expectation that the want will be fulfilled in that way, because that is what we have agreed to.

I may want to be flogged. I expect Master to acknowledge that want and flog me.
Because it is important to him, that when I want something I tell him and he expects that I do.

Expectations are the vehicle which brings fulfillment to our wants. 
Now, just like the Universe, it doesn't mean that I get to call the time, the place, the how or when of my expectations—or of my wants being fulfilled-that would be demanding, but I do get to have expectations.

Otherwise, the wants are hollow and you are left wanting. I don't see that as being a good place to linger.
Personally, I want to come to the table with expectations.
Expectations that life will go well and we're going to have fun with all of this, expectations that we are both going to do our very best and give our best efforts to making our goals happen. Expectations, that Master will act with my best interests and all of this can lead back to what I want in this partnership and what he wants from it as well.
If I expect him to act with my best interests, if I expect that he will look after my needs, if I expect that he is going to be on the same page as me, in terms of long term goals, then that adds up, to expecting the best from him as I'm sure, he expects my best from me.

I hope I am choosing the right words here, to express my humble opinion adequately

Saturday, 8 March 2014

Yes. This.

I usually don't post on the weekends but this evening, I came across this and wanted to share. 
"Trust is your relationship to the unknown." 


Friday, 7 March 2014

Friday Fragements: Questions on Slavehood

I was asked through email, a couple of questions on being a slave.
And apparently, my email has been hard to find. If you want to ask me an anonymous question (I won't mention your name if you tell me not to) or get in touch with me my addy is:

Here are the questions: 

“What does being a slave mean to you? Was it a gradual change or something your Master wanted, the change between D/s and M/s?
I remember reading on your blog that you and your Master didn't like the labels of 'Master' and 'slave' how did that change?"

Those are some pretty thought-provoking questions. And I was kind of hoping that no one would draw attention to my previous discomfort of the labels. Erhm, so much for that plan.

Being A Slave....

It means I am owned. I am property.
It means that I have and work constantly to surrender my will to Him.
And it didn't happen overnight.

I think you need a framework to start with and D/s was the one we started with. 
In a way, it was our interaction with the kink world that put it into focus for me, how much we were truly M/s than D/s. 
The differences are subtle, but they make all the difference.
He has always chosen where we live.
He always decides what we do and when.
The myriad ins and outs of service, from domestic to sexual always sat pretty well with me.

So as I began to realize things that were natural to us—his decisions and power over me-that others made such a fuss about,it began to dawn on me that maybe I was being too choosy with the labels and maybe the truth was that I was very much a slave and just didn't realize it.
He always realized it though.
Master loves nothing more than to give people massive lengths of rope and watch as they hang themselves.
And he grins like the Cheshire cat while watching the ropes swing.

I've spoken before on here, how for me, being his wife and being his slave were intertwined. In agreeing to be his wife, I was agreeing to do this 24/7, and I knew it every step of the way. 
 As I worked more and more to put his wants and desires before mine--making a conscious ongoing decision to do so-- as his success started to be the most important thing to me, slavehood started to grow to be the most natural fit.

How did I get to that point?

It was a personal journey. It was the realization, that I certainly put way too much time and effort into proving myself. And there was never any reason to prove myself.
I didn't have to prove how strong I was, how much I could take, how much I could handle, how much I could survive, how much I could endure...but if there was some reason that I had to prove that and advocate for my suffrage, then that deed was done. I've proved it all a thousand hundred times and it all led to me giving up the fight.
It all led to me realizing that I wanted to give up that fight.
I gave over my power and surrendered my will to him.
And yes, some days there is a moment of discomfort to these things, but even in the moments of discomfort, it feels right. 
In a way, this was happening all along. We just made more of a point of it.
In surrendering, I discovered freedom I didn't know was possible.

M/s to me, is the bending of the two of us.
The level of intimacy we have now, is so intense and pure, I sometimes wonder how we missed it in the early years. The 'us' as a result of our dynamic, is so solid and is a force all of its own.
It's impossible for me not to want to constantly yield to that pull. It's kind of like going with the current than against it.
M/s has taught me that not only is happiness and contentment a reality, it's how it should be.
And it's really all right for it to be this easy.

This is nothing to say on what being His slave has taught me about love because the love that flows between us now and the love we have for each immense and leaves me without words to describe it.  
 One thing I know about this kind of love? 
It is soul-deep. 

Wednesday, 5 March 2014

March, March the Question Month

Who is it that decides these things ?

Have I told you all how amazing I think you are?
 And how grateful I am to have stumbled my way into this kinky corner of Blogland? 

Thanks for all the lovely comments, thoughts and emails. 
All of the support seriously lifted my spirits. 

I think that is the word that comes to mind and while I wish we were recovering from a kinky marathon...its just plain life that we're recovering from. 
We're getting there. 

And any experience that serves to highlight how well you got it, isn't a bad one. Even if the trigger for it might have been.

So March, is apparently question month and questions just might be the thing to get me back in the swing of Blogging. 
Please, please, please throw a question my way.
I need the fodder and the focus and the topics!
(How was that for begging? Too much, not enough?)

And I'll even try to answer Greengirl's question from last year..on BDSM & Paganism....promise.

Erhm...all questions are welcome but you ask me about the book that just might send me into a panic...just giving fair warning.... 

Sunday, 2 March 2014

Our Normal, Again

(You know how sometimes this blog reads as a food blog, instead of a lifestyle blog? Yeah, this is one of those times) 

"Bleue, let me peel that for you", Sir said this morning.
 He took the apple out of my hands. 
Fruit in the basket had gone a little spongy, so my plan was to caramelize the apples and toss them into the banana bread. 
He's nice like that. He has a deadline, has been working all day, came into the kitchen for coffee. 
He went back to work. 
And I continued to work around the kitchen, the loaf in the oven, the dough (best whole-wheat dough ever, if you want the recipe, inbox me) and homemade tomato sauce, coming up to room temp to work with it. 

We haven't spent much time in the Hovel this past week. 

It has that air of being unlived in. 
Sundays, have become the lazy-home-and-hearth days, where I get as much as possible done to set us up for the week.
Breakfast pizza. Lasagna (the sauce is out anyways, and it's nice to have on hand this week, lots of company dropping by) and rosemary chocolate-chip cookies (again, inbox me).

So I cooked and baked and puttered around, stirring and cutting and the Hovel smells lovely and it feels like normal again. 

I have a thousand details I need to run by him but other than quick breaks, where he offers help with a quick task-because he's nice like that-Sir has asked to be left alone to work. 
I'm reclaiming the Hovel, adding new energy to our home and trying to leave the anguish of the week behind. 
We agreed-because we talk about everything, even about how we are going to handle grief-that though it may come up and remnants of all the emotional gunk with it, we were going to talk about it as little as possible, let's not get stuck there. 
There's more important things to focus on. 
There are more fun things to look forward to. 
New adventures to plan for. 

I've tried my best. 

But as I've supported and comforted and patched-up best as I could...there is lingering doubt. 
The one that says, "I could have handled it all better." 
And I'm clinging. I'm hanging on. 
But simple details about the next day and the next are cloudy in my mind. 
I'm not thinking clearly, feeling the emotional exhaustion. 

And this is when, the wish flutters through my head...that he would use me as a punching bag. 
Use me to get lost in violent pleasures. 
Use me to take the pain out on. 
Use me to channel the anger. 
Because, I'm good with pain. 
Disappointment, I'm still learning how to deal with. 
But pain? We're old friends. 

He won't. He isn't wired that way. 
Asking him to use me like that, would be asking him to loose control. 
It would be asking him to pull on emotion and take it somewhere he never does. 
And I've accepted this a long time ago, but the fluttering wish still skirts across my mind. 

So I bake and cook and clean and put the Hovel back together and do my best to equip him with all he needs for the week. 

And I tell the pain-slut inside, the one who is rearing to be beaten and flogged, the one who wants to feel the crack and sting of leather, the one who wants the pain and the release: patience. 
This is not about you. 

We can survive anything. 
I trust the solidness of our foundation. 
I believe in the dynamic we've created. 
And I know love is enduring. 

This is about us. 

Thank-you, my friends.
Thank-you for all your good thoughts and lovely messages and supportive comments. 
Thank-you for hanging in.