Monday, 28 April 2014

Slave Interrupted

That was a week. 
He was away all week. 
And I was horribly split on how I felt about this. 
Because I was supposed to go with him. 
And because, we really hate being apart. 
But the reasons I stayed behind made sense and I couldn't really argue with them (not that it would matter if I did, but you know, sometimes it's nice to feel as if you have a valid argument) but...
I was happy for him. Really happy for him.
So that took away any pouting or angst about being left behind and I kept myself busy. 

Usually, when he goes away, I carry on with normal. 
The usual tasks and daily routines. 
But this time...there were so many interruptions. 
Phone calls and visits. 

Phone calls, from well-meaning family.
All of them started out being about concern for my well-being (which amuses me greatly...coz really: I can take care of myself) but then on the second day, turned around into the norm and started being about them. 
Which I didn't mind. 

Can I come and help them...?
Can I go with them...?
Can I bake something...? (Been recruited for a bake sale). 
Can I look this up for them? 

And all of it made me happy, because I am feel at my best when I feel like I am being useful to someone but it made me pause and wonder.... 

They don't bug me to do stuff when Master is here. 
And they do get, that we're busy with the business and various projects. it possible, after all this time, that maybe they get, at least somewhat, the devotion or single-minded focus I give...? 
I don't think they would ever say it, but I wonder if somehow, they sense it.

Think it's possible? 
Something to ponder...meanwhile, I have a marble cake cooling on the counter and I can't wait till Master gets home!

Going to be slow catching up on Blogland, but I'll make the rounds. 

Friday, 18 April 2014

Friday Fragments: A Good Thursday

Last night, we had the most amazing time out in the village. 
Master took me out to dinner. 
We were going with the intention of pub fare, something familiar and quick, this is going to be one hectic week and there was a lot of planning and organizing to do. 
After walking into one of our standby places, we were seated in such an odd spot, that Master decided this just wasn't going to work. It was also overcrowded and noisy (of course, hockey playoffs). 
We left there, walked around for a little bit and Master decided he wanted to try the new restaurant that had just opened up. 

In we went. 
We were so not dressed for this higher-end place.
I was in yoga pants and a sweater and bundled up because Springter hasn't left, Master was dressed along the same lines. 
In this restaurant, there were women in heels and cocktail dresses, men in suits, you get the idea. 
But we were welcomed and treated very nicely. 
And we were comfortable. 
I know my last post, made Master out to be a control-freak, but in so many, many ways, he is laid back and he is comfortable in his own skin, no matter the situation. I like to think that some of that philosophy has rubbed off on me over the years.
As much as I pride myself on being an Individual, I haven't always been comfortable with it. 
 We've commented often, how much living here suits us, it is a town filled with all kinds of dichotomy. 

Master ordered and over the next two hours, we laughed and talked and had the most gorgeous food. 
I delighted in the unexpectedness of all of it: how it was just supposed to be a quick bite to eat, how work wasn't mentioned once, how it surprisingly turned out to be a long date, how we just stumbled in and the beautiful setting we found ourselves being a part of, I love surprises like these, the spontaneity. 

When we got home, in short order, I was plunked over a stack of pillows and Master had his way with me. A little of this, a little of that.,
He finished that part off with sex, then flipped me over rather unceremoniously. 

"Finger Bleue". 
This might be an ick factor, fair warning. 

But occasionally, he will order me to put my panties back on right after sex. 
And to finger through them. 
Such was the case here. 
So I followed orders. 
As he held me in place and pulled my hair, which doesn't sound like much, but it was repetitive and kind of driving me crazy in a -this-is-very-annoying-kind-of-way. 
He tortured my breasts and then says, "You're a filthy dirty mess." 
I made some kind of noise, which I guess Master took as protest (it wasn't but it wasn't agreement, either) because he ordered me to repeat it. 
"Say it, Bleue. I am a fifthly dirty mess."
A moment of hesitation from me, a firmer grip on my hair by him. 

"Now Bleue", he leaned in and whispered in my ear. "Or you can stand in the corner, repeating those words out loud for the next five minutes." 
Laying in the bed, close to him, half-way to orgasm, was a much better option. 
So I obeyed and said it. 
Then I was lead on, made to edge and edge, until he made me repeat the line yet again, and as soon as the words were out of my mouth, I was told, "come". 
I did and kind of fell on him in a heap. 

Thank-you, Master for such an exquisite evening. 

Have a good weekend, my friends!

Thursday, 17 April 2014

A Look Into Master

(I have a brand, sparkly new profile on FetLife. If any of my blogger friends would like to connect with me there, email me and I'll give you my addy. I just don't want to put it up for public consumption or if I don't know you)

Sometimes, Master can be an ass.
Oh? that might have been very un slave like of me, other than the fact, that I have no qualms admitting my D type is human. 
Fortunately for me, neither does he. 
I tend to think that any relationship gets to be deeper and more intimate with all the cards on the table.

And I don't mean when he's being an ass during playtime or when we're just joking around-there is a fair bit of that happening, I mean he can be a rightful bastard of an ass.

 He'll say something cruel, something that will sting me deeply-the man is all about logic and control and sometimes he completely ignores the empathy button. 

He'll order me to do something, just to make me do it that will make me uncomfortable and make me want to growl and sneer at him and curse, and sometimes I will and pay the consequences later. 

He may hold me very highly as his adviser, but he will do what he wants, when he wants to and there is no telling him otherwise. He hardly takes kindly to the suggestion. 

His calculating logic, against my swirl of emotions does make communication and life, interesting. 

But when he lets go, in s&m, it's different. 
Oh, he can be an ass, and he can be cruel here but at least there is kind of a definable reason..or it just makes sense. He is a sadist, his quest to cause pain does need to be satisfied. 
He can be violent-but without harm-precise and cold, and right on the mark. 

In degradation/humiliation play, he has a way of putting it all together, the release that play causes, alongside with his logical mind, and he can make me a puddle of goo. 
He knows what buttons of mind to hit and does so expertly well. 

And I know it's hard to explain, but he can be so very playful with it all. I mean, one of the reasons why I married the man is because he makes me have fun. 

So to answer GreenGirl's question that came up in the comments: 

"I wonder-do you think he could give up the S&M? What is his need vs. his want?" 

I don't think he could give it up. 
There was always an element of D/s before we even it labelled it and there was always rough play in the bedroom before we bought all the proper toys. 
He likes how s&m makes us connect, he likes the intimacy it brings, just like I do, beyond the sexual fulfillment. 

But his need is control...and that's control of everything over me, in a million different ways, from how I react to ahhh how I feel. 

Even though, I tell him often, that he actually can't control how I feel. 
He answer?

I'm working on it. 

Monday, 14 April 2014

M/s without S&M?

Sometime during question month, I hit on a train of thought, that had me somewhat convinced that if we had to, we could take out the physical interactions of M/s out of play and our power dynamic would still remain. 
In theory, of course. 
But when it comes to the reality, I wonder if a M/s dynamic could remain on merely the giving and taking of power, submitting to authority in thought and word only. 
To be fair, I know this can be done and done well. 
I just don't know if I could do it.

I'm not sure if I am service-oriented enough to find pleasure and fulfillment in service alone. 
And I don't particularly like being told what to do--but that doesn't mean Master needs to beat me into submission or physically nudge me in the direction he wants-but I am not sure if I be as quick to yes-to if there was no threat of a physical implement hitting my arse. 

But then again, there is a peace in acquiescing my will to his. 
And I do what he says, because I strive to obey. I do my best to put submission into action, not because of the consequences awaiting if I don't but because showing him respect is important to me, honouring his word is second nature. 

Then of course, there is the whole question of wants vs. needs. 
Do I need to feel the strikes against my skin? Do I just want to be roughly played with? 
How much driving force is there in the need for a beating and the wanting of the release that comes with it?
And if you can't have it, but you need it, how do you put it aside? 

Do you think S&M can be taken out of a M/s dynamic? 

I would have said, "yes of course" and gone into the strengths of the relationship itself and expanded on the points here, when the reality might have been a little further from me than it is now. 

In other news...
Master has given me permission to get my hair cut! =  One happy Bleuame.