Saturday, 31 May 2014

Friday Fragments: There Are Ways...

We had such an intense, exhilarating evening out on the village (where we were reminded that it truly is a village) last night and all of that happened before we made it back to the Hovel and into the bedroom.
Usually, my sense of timing is horrible. But for the past few months, it has been great. A lot of right time, right place, right people going on and it's a refreshing change. 

And we played. 

The question I got most often, from curious readers (back when the blog wasn't closed of course) was about Horace and how much he reads here and if I have free rein. 
The truth is, he reads here very, very seldom. 
 He has complete control over every aspect of my life--when I first started blogging, he decided to let me have this space as mine. There is no way I would be the blogger I am, if I knew he was reading here. There have been times where I have asked him to read a particular post, there have been times where he has crept in and told me he read something and he would like to further discuss it, but both those times are also rare. 
It is a system that has been working quite well for us. 

My point is, it wasn't because I spent a week whining on here about the play and my confusion surrounding it. We played because he wanted to. 
Nothing has changed, really. Ha. 

It was harsh and rough and extreme. He didn't hit as hard as "normal" or bruise me as deeply, in fact it was very light impact play, but he led me through mental hoops, saturating my mind with tidbits here and there of scenes he has planned, what he intends to do to me and all that good stuff. 

On the physical side, He held my head under water. I had no idea that could be...anything...and even the semblance of breath play in the past has freaked me right out...but it was one of those freeing moments. He asked, I gave. I taught myself yet again, I could because he said so. 
It felt like forever but in reality it only a lasted a few seconds. There was lots of debasement and bringing me to the edge over and over again.
Then he took his pleasure, rough and tumbling, hard and fast. 
It was familiar but different. 

And the interruptions made us both laugh. To be comfortable on my stomach-how he wanted me--without hurting, I needed two layers of pillows under me and that got a little awkward to try and move me and the pillows--in the end, he moved himself in interesting positions. 

I also happened to have a wicked case of heartburn occurring (it's been going on throughout all these months. Doesn't matter what I eat, what I don't eat, how I eat or when I happens) so I needed to stop-barely asking permission-to pop an antacid. 

Adjustments, though, worth it. Kink has always allowed us to connect in a deeper, better way than say, just sex and more of that is probably on me, than him but I'm happy that we aren't loosing such an integral part of "us". 

 The best advice I have come across, during this whole time is "start how you intend to go on" and we are busy making all kinds of changes to accommodate the new addition but also making sure we set up habits and routines that we want to implement. I thought it was pretty good advice. 

So..that was our night. 
 I have a strong suspicion that I am going to drop hard, if not today then tomorrow and unfortunately I'm in a situation where I have to be around crowds of people today--and Sir is away tomorrow-but I've done all those preventive things that are par for the course and it's one thing to be aware, another thing to worry needlessly over something that is maybe, coming (also good advice, non?) 

Thank-you for an amazing night, Master. 


Have a good weekend, my friends. 

Thursday, 29 May 2014

A Confusing State

It is surprising to me, that the same swing of hormones that is making me go "awww" at every cute-baby-animal-picture (but seriously, a litter of white tigers!) and making me a little more emotional soupy than usual, isn't influencing my sex drive..or my longing for play.

I suppose it was or did...when you spent three months sleeping, sex was the last thing you wanted, trust me. It just seemed so exhausting.
There were times where Sir would initiate something and I would literally fall asleep on him (I mentioned being totally exhausted, right?) and we had been TTC for awhile. I think somewhere in the back of my head I was just taking a break.
Happy to take a break from having sex every other or sometimes, multiple times a day. It's like a huge part of my mind shut down and just wanted to stay at rest.

But...and I find it kind of, I'm good.
More to the point: I want him to hurt me. I want our usual type of play.
And maybe that urge, that need, those longings, should put an end to the debate in my mind on the whole "am I a masochist thing" I mean....folks who aren't masochists don't feel the need for pain, right? 

He has been able to get his head around it, here and there, to be at peace with's just not the type of play I want right now. (I know. Not my call. I should just stop whining but I am just trying to figure it out). 

At the last midwife appointment (where he came with me), I had asked if I had to be careful when it came to my breasts during sex (I had read that nipple play should be avoided because it could interfere with the forming ducts) and the reply was "No."

"See?" I said triumphantly to Horace afterwards. 

"When you said 'sex', I'm sure they thought sex. I am positive clover clamps and slapping your breasts black and blue didn't cross their minds."
  Okay, fair point. 

And I really wouldn't want to risk damage to those ducts--they are going to be awfully important soon. 

His comfort levels seem to shift. 
So one day breasts are out, bottom is out...and one night, that left feet (because feet aren't important) and we had an intense session that involved bastinado. 
That is definitely pain. 
But I always feel it's really more of an exercise in control and the willpower it takes not to kick one's Dom hard as they are beating your feet. 

Ebb and flow.

Even though he has been the one to hold back on the play lately, I wonder how it's affecting him. I worry if his needs are being met. He has given reassurances to those concerns, but I still can't help and turn it over in my mind.
 That's a whole different type of anguish. 

Wednesday, 28 May 2014

Wednesday is Thursday..

Just a quick note to say: I really need to get better at auto-scheduling posts. 
                                     Today's post will appear tomorrow, on Thursday.
But...I'm not sure if I will have much to say, because what I really want to talk about is Tigers!!
Oh my goddess, have you seen this? It's so damn cute!!
Rare White Bengal Tigers. 

Thanks for hanging in. 

Monday, 26 May 2014

It's Not All Blue

(Behind again in Blogland, apologies my friends. I plan on catching up soon. I'm very grateful no has kicked me out so far) 

We fought. 
And it wasn't the usual one-sided, one-person raising-voice kind of fight that usually occurs (though rarely) around here (that person would be me, while he just waits me out, infuriatingly) no this morning, it was an all out raised angry voices yelling-I was really afraid the neighbours were going to call in a complaint-kind of fight. 
 And I feel totally crummy. 
It took me too hours to stop dry-heaving and crying. 
Then he tried to come and talk to me, but I told him he was causing me stress-literally in this case-he wouldn't leave and the whole crying/dry-heaving scenario started again. 
 I've been crying off and and on ever since. 

What was it about?
It doesn't matter, not really/ 

I'm blaming my part on this one on those lovely hormones that are doing a number on my body and on his reaction to those changes. 

Recently Tori, wrote a piece on entitlement (
Absolutely right. 
I agree with the spirit of that post and agree with the sentiments. 
 I don't do this slave stuff just because I want that "good girl" or I expect a reward. 
 For me, that would take away a lot of the meaning and intricacies out of M/s. 

I kind of feel like, these are slightly different circumstances. 
And I feel like, if say, you endured a tiring day with a visit from relatives the day before and manged to slough through it, then at six in the morning, you got up and decided to do laundry anyways (because it's been piling up and it took a day to convince him that doing laundry was safe) and then decided to make him breakfast (because you know the not-being-able-to-cook-thing has been bothering him)....
That just maybe, given these circumstances, that those efforts could be acknowledged a little bit more. 

And if you happened to bring up a concern or too, that maybe, just maybe, some empathy could be given to hear out those concerns, instead of brushing them to the side and arguing the "truth" of those concerns and perhaps, if one could refrain from telling the expecting woman that she is being "illogical" and to "calm down", the whole situation might not have escalated. 

But here we are. 

I know it will all be fine, it just doesn't feel fine now. 
And I know this is nothing really. 

It's just when everything is lovely and happy and harmonious the majority of the time, when you have moments like these, they hit you more strongly. 
Harder fall and all that. 

In an attempt to leave you with something other than this, have you come across Humbled Females (.net)? I love poking around that site. 
A while ago, I read an article that fully resonated with me.
 He is found of calling me, his doormat....
It's an interesting read and maybe it will resonate with you too. 

Friday, 23 May 2014

Friday Fragments: Some Changes

As you can imagine, given the circumstances, things have been a little bit different around the Hovel.
I've pretty much slept the last few months away. The exhaustion has been rather intense, leaving me with the ability to do maybe one or two specific things a day and as it started to lift and I gained some energy back...well the choice often came down to, getting out in the nice weather or staying put and working or cleaning on the Hovel....tough one.
 I have felt so very fortunate that I haven't had to slug through a regular job, during all of this because I couldn't even imagine. 
But other than the exhaustion, symptoms have been few and minor. No morning sickness, little nausea and even in the exhaustion, I've been totally elated and there has been a kind of vitality. 
The exhaustion has become less and less and yesterday was the first day I was able to work for hours without taking a nap--the rest of the day was eaten up by appointments--but it felt good to being close to normal. 
I struggle when I am at less than full percent, feeling useless. 

Life has been different and we have both had to adjust. 
Horace has been completely understanding and as he has lowered his expectations of what I can do, it has helped to ease my mind and for me to give myself a break. 
It might have taken him awhile to get his head around the fact that he isn't in charge of my body right now...

We have probably only played a few times, since we found out and admittedly, that has been a challenge on both of us. But it is different for him, for him to get his mind around it all and to come to peace with doing what we normally do.
The times we have played, have been way lighter and less vigorous--but the intensity and the intimacy is still there. He has managed to throw it an element or too of humiliation play--nothing heavy or hard--and I'm happy about that because it took him awhile to be at peace with engaging in that kind of activity right now. 

Gone are all our lovely protocols and rituals surrounding meals and food and eating. We aren't protocol or ritual heavy, so this really is the one area where they exist and the absence of them is keenly felt.
I'm hungry all the time, there is no waiting for food, there is no waiting until he has eaten, Horace hasn't ordered for me when we have been out because food aversions are unpredictable. 
Some days, I was too tuckered out to cook and one week, we ate out every night--which is extraordinarily weird for us. 

When he has the time, Horace has been really good at giving me assignments. One or two tasks that I can complete during the day. Everything from, "put this toy in the freezer for later", to "write an essay on this topic", all of these has helped to put him in my mind (he's competing for space in there right now) and to feel the pull of M/s firmly.  
He hasn't always had the time though: He has been super busy with work and in the middle of all this, he has been preparing for a course he wants to take. So understanding and ebb and flow on both our parts. 

For those who don't mind sharing, I would love to know...Did you carry on as usual while expecting?
 Did you adjust the kinky play?

Even through all these changes, it has been really good. Just different. 

Thank-you so much for all of the warm comments and emails (I have a few to reply to yet, I know), you guys are awesome. 

Have a good weekend!

Wednesday, 21 May 2014

This Happened.

So...I don't even know where to start with this. 
I have four drafts, that are about 20 pages long, that give a detailed play by play..but I don't know if I want to rehash all the details of how it got here, because there is no point and I don't really want to make you read all that drivel either. 

We have been through so much, that I honestly don't think there is anything that will change our M/s dynamic. Alter, maybe but not change it to the point where we don't do it. But it might be one of the things that scares me.
Then again, I look around Blogland, at my friends and I see examples that tell me it is possible. 

And I guess it is your mindset. 
I've had enough of hearing of "how hard it is" (seriously? I can't imagine it being hard under these circumstances. I came from hard and it looks nothing like this) and how it's the most horrible thing ever to throw your life off course. 
Because I don't believe that, or we don't believe that. 
Perception is everything. 

I've been crazily content for the last two years. 
And it's consistently just become better...our life. 
 I had no idea I could be this happy. 

I'm pregnant. 
We're thrilled. 
I'm trying not to worry about all the things that are there to worry about and I'm trying to stop choosing things to worry about (like our ages..his age...) about. 

Honestly, the last three months, I've had an easy time of it so far (other than the total and utter exhaustion).
Everything that can look good at this point, is looking good. 

He would rather keep me in bubble wrap and it's been hard for him to...not.
 We are figuring out how our M/s is going to fit into pregnancy and beyond.
 So far it has been hit or miss, though some days it seems as if nothing has changed. 
 I'm really happy to share the news, here. 

Monday, 19 May 2014

Short and Quick

Holiday Monday here, the end of a long weekend. 
It has been busy here, for us.
 Lots of visits, travelling and I'm kind of amazed by how many people we have seen this weekend. For the last few months-certainly during the long winter, Master and I have kept to ourselves. He's been busy with work, it's true but we really just haven't made an effort to socialise. 
Valid reasons for that, which I won't go into yet with this short post. 

Having so many interactions over the weekend, has tired out my introvert-being. 
But I was ultra aware of how often and how many times, I called him, "Sir", in public.
In front of family and friends, out and about in the vanilla day-today-and how I actually have been doing this for the past several months--maybe even close to a year. 

At one time, I would have been super cautious about it, but now, it feels natural and right and no one has blinked an eye. I'm not sure what the families have chalked it to--maybe a new nickname I use for him? 

It's not the kind of thing you want to poke or ask about without opening a door or too.

And that's all I have for this Monday. 
Leaving with some quotes & images from my files.

Friday, 16 May 2014

Friday Fragments: Whew.

Happy Friday! 

This week, I went to have my hair cut. 
And it's amazing how such a simple thing, that is an everyday occurrence, was wrought with such anxiousness. 
I had been asking Master, for about a year, consistently-not naggingly--if I could please go and get it cut and finally he said, "yes". 
Like I mentioned a couple of weeks ago, I was excited at the mere prospect. 
But then I had to find someone. 
And even though we've been here for well over a year, obviously I hadn't stepped foot into a salon, so I was kind of clueless. 
And I forget that sometimes, this town can be an expensive place. 
The salons closest to us, were a fortune to just walk into. 
And while that might be a nice splurge, I didn't want to risk that much money on my first time with an unknown hair person. 
Had to go out of my way, but found someone who was reasonably priced. 

He likes my hair long.
Last time I cut it all off, Master was less than happy because in his opinion, it was too short. 
So knowing this, my hands were literally sweaty as I waited in the saloon. I nearly backed out. 
I thought of calling a friend, but how do you possibly explain the anxiety over having your hair trimmed?
 And not because you're afraid that it's not going to turn out well, but because the thought of him not liking it is where the source of panic is from? 
I was ready to chop a good amount off. 
He reassured me that morning, said whatever I wanted to do was okay, just don't go too short and he loved me no mater how it turned out. 
That reassurance was lovely.
But didn't ease the panic when the moment came..and honestly? I'm pretty sure he said the same things last time..he meant the words, he did but it didn't change the fact he was disappointed.

It came time, for me to sit in the chair and I explained to the hair person, slowly and carefully that I needed to keep as much length as possible-to braid it and stuff ("stuff" meaning, so he could have a very good handle and still bound it all up in rope)-and that I just wanted maybe some shaping? 

The pressure to get this right was intense. It's hair, it's not like I could go back and redo it. 
It will grow, but it will take awhile and I really wanted it to turn out in a way in which he would like.

My hair reached the centre of the back. 
Hair person, took off about 4inches.
Which meant, by the time she was done, diffusing it, my hair was chin length. 

Loved it. 
It felt incredibly freeing and my curls were all bouncy and light. 
But I was so, so nervous. 

I met Master after work, on our way to pick-up groceries. 
He met me in the parking lot. 
After the initial greetings, he put his hands on my shoulders, stared at me for a long moment. 
He took some strands of my hair on either side of my face, kind of measuring them. 
"It looks good", he said. 

In my opinion, it is shorter this time than last time, but not in his opinion. 
Who am I to argue with that? 
I kept my mouth shut on my two cents, and lapped up his approval and soaked in the relief.

I'm still learning the ins and outs of private blogging. 
Many thanks to everyone for being so patient. 
I have limited room on the mailing list (Blogger will only let you add 10 names) and I think I have everyone who wants to get posts by email, covered (old email subscribers, have been added to the list), the email list will be set-up by Monday. 
If you want to make sure I have you on the list, I'll do my best to add you if there is room, just drop me a line:

Thanks for hanging in. 
Have a good weekend!

Wednesday, 14 May 2014

Pondering on Submission, Vulnerability and Surrender

When we were still using the D/s label, I would have told you that labels are just labels and how you define your relationship is up to you and there is no difference between D/s and M/s, etc.

And there isn't, really. And I still believe, wholly that how you define your relationship is up to you and if you call yourself a submissive or a slave and it doesn't match with how I define it, then it's no business of mine, I do not think there is a right or wrong.

I don't think these differences that I am thinking of between D/s and M/s are really so different or define the difference between the labels--but for me, for us, I think there was distinctive growth between being D/s and moving into the M/s dynamic, creating differences between the two.

My perception on this is skewed because all along, that's where Master wanted us to be and looking back, I can see how he worked to move us from one to another.

When you are doing ttwd, in any form, I think times happen where you hit a hall.
 And sometimes you hit that wall hard. You may start not only contemplating but planning to run away--after you can stop the blubbering mess of tears. More likely, you'll have spinning, self-deprecating thoughts along the lines of "What? What am I doing? This isn't normal. What's wrong with me?"

Power exchanges are not easy. If they were, it would be the accepted norm (I often imagine a keeping up with the Joneses scenario, instead of "Did you see the size of their new addition?" being, "Honey, did you see their new single-tip whip? We have to get that one"), by the very nature, they call for more work than the average relationship.

More intimacy. More vulnerability. More trust. More self-awareness. More self-discovery. More communication, just more all around.

And when all those cards are out on the table, combined with it all becoming your reality, it is enough to freak you right out.

And crash hard.

I have, in the past, many posts on this blog outline those crashes, in all kinds of glory details.

Erhm...I always have a problem deciding between fight or flee and as a result, I end up frozen with shock.
I'm sure at times that has made it easier, because Master has just picked me right up and plunked me down again.

But as whatever dynamic you are creating, keeps growing and you keep learning to trust it, the crashing into the wall happens less frequently.

You begin to give more fluidity and it becomes your normal.

So for me, when those crashing into the walls happened very seldom, when I didn't question as often but just accepted, when I started to surrender and gave my all over to Master, when I put all of myself out there, knowing he could hurt me--irrevocably--but knew with all of my being, that he wouldn't, when the asking, stopped being so wrought with fear and so much of challenge, but instead felt like the most logical thing in the world, that's when the shift into M/s started to take hold.

Surrender: "to agree to stop fighting, hiding, resisting, etc., because you know that you will not win or succeed"...when surrendering felt like the only thing possible to do, when my only thought, only goal became to strive, every moment for that surrender, that's when the fulfillment of consensual slavery started to take root. 

I don't get it right, all the time. 
I screw-up, and because I'm the kind to do anything by halves, those screw-ups feel massive.
But, recovering from those screwing up moments, is a lot quicker. 
There is more of a natural feeling to it all, there is a certain calmness to it, acceptance, the acceptance is stronger.

M/s-in my opinion- is not about the pain or the kinks. It is about surrender and the trust that there will be acceptance of that surrender.
Him saying to me, "I am a sadist, I am going to make you hurt for the joy of it", and me not running screaming into the night. 
It's saying: "I am a humiliation slut, do your best to degrade me, please" and knowing with absolute trust, that I am not going to be rejected for giving voice to my darkest, deepest cravings. 

That trust to me, reaches a further place into my being, than trusting he isn't going to put in hospital--though it's also nice to have the trust of him when it comes to my physical self.

It is learning time and time again, how much strength being a slave requires, but learning to lean on that strength and not struggle to find it.

Yield, yes. Weak, no.

What I seek to give as a slave, more than being pleasing (which to me misses the mark, a painting is pleasing after all), more than sheer obedience, though that's part of it, more than making myself available to him for anything he deems-though that happens, is living that fullfillment, it's bringing it forth into our day-to-day and I can't get there without the vulnerability of surrender. 

Oh yeah, this ttwd, is scary stuff.

Monday, 12 May 2014

Independently Slave

Over the weekend, Horace and I started some serious re-arranging of the Hovel.
 This included, cleaning out of the closest, moving of shelves and heavy objects. 
The result is, three bags of clothes to be donated, lots of space cleared and much purged and tossed out. 
I love spring cleaning. Few chores make my minimalist-heart happier.

Not everything has been put back together, just yet.
If he was the type of "all work, no play" it might have been. But the weather was beautiful and finally warm and it was hard to resist a walk around the village.
Sun, water, green spaces, tourists all reminding us why we love it here...well maybe not the tourists.
 There are piles of clothes on the living room floor to be sorted and re-arranged and put back into closets, there are stacks of linens to be reorganized on the shelves, there are odds and ends here and there to deal with, winter coats and heavy blankets to be zipped up in space bags. 

On this Monday morning, it is all a little chaotic and I'm trying to keep in mind that it's all temporary and our big, open space will be open and clear once again and I arranged my day so I would have the time to work on this goal. 

Horace didn't have to tell me, to call the recycle-clothing place for a pick-up, he didn't tell me to put back the linens and organize the shelves, he didn't have to order me to clean up the mess. 
It's my home too and we have decided we want it a certain way, and when it isn't that way, then clearly something has to be done to put it back together again. 
I guess it does fall under the category of taking care of the Hovel, which is a huge part of my deal and how we divide the labour of domestics, but it's not like we tear closets apart every day.

I think, a lot of the times, when people read about the concept of being a slave, the image that comes to mind more often, is the slave, sitting, waiting, passively and to be told what to do. 
 And maybe that waiting to be told to go fetch style, works for some.
 I know it doesn't fit into our lives and personally, I thrive and succeed on as little micro-managing as possible. 

Just like handing him a cup of coffee is common sense to me, so to is bringing order to the chaos in our living room, right now. Of course, I'm going to do it. 
And I don't need to be galled or beaten or commanded or ordered into doing it. 

Horace knows what my plan is today. 
He also knows there is a very high likelihood that the plan will be interrupted (Universe, you could give me a break...) and he won't be horribly disappointed in me if it's not done this evening nor will he punish me for the lack of progress. 
If I was to, I don't know, take off and go see a movie instead, then he might take issue with it (more likely: he would be confused because that would be strangely out of character for me) but it's nothing he would beat me over, either (well, maybe playfully...after he was assured nothing was wrong with my head).

He can be exacting and strict and yes, he likes things done a certain way and has expectations. On the other side, he does give me an awful lot of rope and a lot of freedom in the "how" to carry all of that out. 

For me, it works better if I at least have the illusion of being independent, even in slavehood.

While I am keeping the blog private, Horace has decided that perhaps he would like to come and play along. There just might be a post or two from him appearing soon. 

If you have any questions that you would like to ask him, now is your chance :)

Friday, 9 May 2014

Friday Fragments: How and What Comes Next

Last post in the public realm for awhile and it does feel a little odd. 
I've been here since April 2012.
I hope to be back, open for all to read eventually. 

Anyways, a question I never got around to back during question month has been sitting in my inbox for awhile. I thought I would take a stab at answering it here. 

Anon asks: 
How did you learn to obey? Did it feel weird to start calling your husband Master/Sir? How did you do it

Learning to obey. 
Some days, I'm still working on it. It really is a in the progress kind of thing. Training had a lot to do with this one. Master laid out his expectations, what he wanted/required and he simply expected obedience. He also made it very clear, that he would not fight me for control--I was to willingly submit. That doesn't mean there has never been the occasional, playful resistance, because there has, but right from the beginning, it was crystal clear: Submit, show willingness or we can halt this all right here.
At the beginning  it helped, because he kept things very simple. Started off with very simple rules, simple consequences for breaking them, followed by lots of rewards for following them. 
As we moved along and our dynamic evolved, he took away the rules, replaced them by a handful of protocols and only insisted on the one rule we have now (and has been in place for a long time), which is to "Obey." 

I've struggled with this, quite a bit. At one time, I struggled with the very word "obey" but then as we moved more into M/s, it just became easier. 

Over the years, he has simply taken up more space in my mind. Putting his needs and his wants first, wasn't a great stretch for me, but obeying him when and how he wanted, that was the sticking point. 
But yes, it did become easier. 
It's a matter of focus and choice. 
It really comes down to this: I can choose to obey him and keep our harmony or I can choose to disobey and cause us both misery and throw a wrench in our otherwise harmonious, joyful existence (and believe me, it just keeps getting better).

I felt strange writing 'Master' on the blog because at one time, both of us had issues with the title and not so much how it was used but how it was perceived.. 
But as for putting it into day-to-day life? No, not really.
 It's something he insisted on way back from when kink was only a bedroom thing (to be called Sir) and the Master, I think as he grew into that and as I started to see him and feel him, as owner and Master, it became natural. 
It did take some practice. 
He got me into the habit of it, by insisting I use "Master" in day-to-day situations, where I would use "Horace". At the start, it was repetitive and redundant but it made the transition a lot easier and as usual, he knew what he was about. 
Now, they are usually all interchangeable to me. Here, I'll call him Horace if I feel like I'm relating something more...husband/intimate like? and Sir/Master the rest of the time, or sometimes just write 'him' because it's easier and sometimes, I'm lazy like that. 
Depending on his mood or the scene he is sitting, or if he is making a point or if I'm in trouble or if he just feels like it, he'll insist upon "Master". 
Sometimes, because we can be playful with each other and he allows it, I'll use other words :-P.

What comes next... 

First, thank-you to everyone who has ever read here.
I'm so grateful . 

Second, thank-you to everyone who is going to follow me into private-blogland.
I know it's an extra step having to login to read, and I very much appreciate that I am not going to be rambling to an audience of one and occasionally, two. 

I've just been so touched by the messages I've received in the last couple of days, many of them saying: thank-you for sharing your life and thoughts. 
It is a honour. And it wouldn't be the same without an audience. 

Third, I'm going to try and make it easy on my audience. I am going to go back to posting on Monday, Wednesdays and Fridays, so readers can count on that (though there might be a few image/quote heavy posts) and for my faithful email subscribers: I'm going to try out some blogger wizardry over the weekend and see if I can create a new mailing list, then I'll add those who I know for sure were email subscribers, back as email subscribers.
Expect invitations late Sunday evening/early Monday morning. 

Thank-you for reading. 

(If you want on the list, 

Thursday, 8 May 2014

Friend and Slave

I am just able to get back to get caught up on Blogland...only to have problems with our internet. I think I'm going to cry.
I tried to catch everyone and leave comments, but the connection often died in the middle of hitting "reply."
Wholly frustrating. 

Lil, wrote a post a couple of weeks ago, entitled "Slave First", which I attempted to comment on. 

As Lil's posts often do, it got me thinking. 
Because Master has said the same thing on occasion and even though it is playful, there is a tiny part of me that feels some sort of abandon by it. 
Sometimes he will use it in a scene, as in, "I am not your friend", when he is set on causing me pain or reminding of my place. Along the same lines, he will sharply say, "I wasn't asking for a favour. That was a command, Bleue."
Usually said, when I wasn't fast enough for his liking.

It is interesting to reflect on this, because when the idea of D/s was first brought up...oh so long ago of my major concerns was that the friendship between us, that strong foundation block, that security, would alter. My concern was that he would not value me as a confidant, would not value my insights (and my being needs to be valued in those ways) but see me as less than.
Obviously, we worked through that little hiccup.

Friendship, is something I hold as scared.
It is a different viewpoint looking through the lens of friendship. 
Looking through that lens, as examples: I can be critical (but not judgmental), I can be exacting (I want the best for my friends and I am downright annoyed when they don't give the best to themselves) and I will always be fiercely loyal (and expect the same in return,even though that's pretty near impossible) and there is a familiarity, an ease of being, within the friendship.

While I might be curious about playing with others, the thing that has held me back (I mean, other than Master's ahh...reluctance) is the trust.
I need to trust in order to be vulnerable, to play.
I need to know something about the person other than they can wield that flogger good.

A lot of what I do with Master, I doubt I could even approach doing with a other.
It is because he knows me, intimately through our friendship, that he can push the right buttons.
It is because I know him, that I can surrender.

This is more crucial I think in humiliation play.

When he gleefully debases me, and tells me I'm filthy and disgusting.
When he gags me and sets me over a container to catch the drool and comments
When he orders me to clean his feet with my tongue, because that's what I'm good for...

At the end of the day, I know that none of that is true.
I know it implicitly because I trust this man with my whole self.
And I have years of friendship behind me that have showed me who he really is.

The feelings he brings out, are genuine. I feel that mixture of shame and humiliation and a tinge of guilt and I revel in it, eagerly pushing back boundaries, following his lead, letting him take me to where he wants—all of that is real and meaningful and adds to our intimacy.
But it isn't real.

Even though nothing has changed—he is still my husband, he is still my best friend, I am not viewing him through the same lens. But I know the friendship is there. 
It is still there, but it is like, I don't have easy access to it. He will often make me very uncomfortable and gone will be that day-to-day ease, he will catch me off guard, make me trip up, cause me heartache and be downright cruel and I'll take it all, sometimes feeling grateful, sometimes resentful, depending on the response he is going for. 

As his slave, I can be resentful at him (often, "I hate you". His reply: "Good. You will hate me, but you will still obey"), for making me push those boundaries and take me out of my comfort zone...but it is the friendship that gives that buoyancy and causes it to ebb and not stick. The resentment will only be momentary, because the foundation-which is where the friendship is-gives it the current to flow like water over rocks.

The times that I am out-of-my-mind-angry at him, it is the friendship of many years, that makes it easier to forgive and forget and get on with it.
The slavehood, doesn't enter into that equation. It is as his friend, that I can see the potential in him and clearly see the faults and maybe that is why I've never had a case of hero-worship. 
I know, it sounds as if I am dividing slave and friend into parts, that's not my aim. There really is no separation. For me, the friendship is what gives me the confidence, the strength and the trust to fuel what I can offer as a slave.

Afterwards, when we are both spent and he is holding me and petting my hair, rewarding me with the attention of cuddles and hugs, he has closed the door to that scene.

The things he does in that context, does not translate to the rest of our life.
He still sees me as that consort, that valuable confidant that friend, as his wife and while these parts of me are always evolving, I always feel very much owned, as his most precious object.

Blogland, I am overwhelmed by the responses I have received from so many of you to the news of turning this blog private. Thank-you so much for the support and all the kind messages. I am truly touched. 
Thanks so much to the email subscribers, daily checkers, drop-ins, who came out of lurking, just for a wee bit to get in touch, and told me they would like to remain readers. Be assured, nothing has to change--please feel welcome to keep reading silently--but it is awfully nice to know you are there. 
Thank-you for hanging in. Thanks for reading. 
If you want on the list:

Wednesday, 7 May 2014

Closing Down: Going Private

Starting next Monday, this blog will be private and will only be able to be read by invitation. 
After thinking it over, I've realized it's the only way I can keep it up, for now-because I don't want to close it down completely-and continue to write and spew. 
I need a place to write and spew. And I have missed the interaction of Blogland, horribly.

There is a lot going on, at the Hovel, in my blue hour but a lot of it just isn't fit for public consumption for various reasons. 

If you would like to keep reading and following, it's very important to send me an email, so I have your email addy, so I can add you to the list of invitees. 
This includes: other bloggers I've interacted with (those on my blog list), those I have dropped an email or two with, and known email subscribers (if you are an email subscriber, and you are unsure if I 'know' you, just drop me a message saying "Bleuame, I'm an email subscriber" and I'll be able to check from there). 

This might not be a good solution. It might not work. 
There are downsides of course. But I am hoping it's a workable compromise enough to keep me in this corner of the Blogging community.