Friday, 14 November 2014

Friday Fragments: Another Update

This is the only time, ever that I will encourage childling to be late rather than early--and I hope it takes full advantage of it. At 37 weeks, we are considered term.
I keep telling it to stay in and hold on and hope that it is listening. 
As someone who emerged way, way too early into this world, the idea of 40 weeks, appeals to me. 

In the back of my mind, I know we aren't going to get everything on my list done and I am trying to come to peace with that. The big stuff is done, or every close to being ready and just about everything is in place in the Hovel. 

A few weeks back, Horace and I went away. It was only for a night, but it was probably the best thing we could have done. 
It gave us--me especially--a mental break and gave us good time to connect. We stayed in a truly magic location and it was so much fun. 
When we got home, both of us felt refreshed and the panic of not having it all done or ready, eased. 
And weirdly, I've been more on an emotional level since that break. 

My worries about whether or not we can resume our M/s-ness, have also eased. The man is still making me do things I don't want to do--more on that next time. 

Thank-you all, for the lovely messages and body of support. 

Wednesday, 12 November 2014

Love Our Lurkers Day...Love to you, you and you...

Another Love Our Lurkers Day is upon us. 
And I definitely had to take a break from my frantic-trying-to-get-the-Hovel-ready to drop in and acknowledge the day. This day is for trying to bring those silent readers out of the shadows and asking them to say hello. 

What is amazing to me, totally incredibly amazing to me, is that when I turned this blog private, a score of loyal lurkers followed. It was surprising to me to receive so many messages, indicating interest. Many were simple, even shy. 
A few were verbose with why the reader wanted to stay reading here.

Being one, who hardly ever knows what to say or when, I understand the lurker. I have blogs I still lurk on--more often than not anyways. 

So come say hello if you like today, or merely continue on your way. 
Just know that I am grateful you are still reading here. 

And as I like to do on Love Our Lurkers Day, I'm reposting one of the most popular posts on L'heure Bleue. This one comes from February 5, 2014. 

Independence of Dependence

Lots of snow.
But I'm making the best of it, today.
I have pasta sauce simmering on the stove and loaves of bread rising, the Hovel smells so amazing. 

The feelings of loneliness have eased, barely lingering. 
For about three weeks, I felt that loneliness acutely.
With it, it brought fear and pain and grief and regret. 

That was a whole lot of emotion to process, even for me. way or another, I seem to have a knack for transmuting out of the rubble. 
It's why chaos and change and I are such good friends. 
While I was chin-high in those lonely feelings, it hit home: 
What would I do without Him? 

It's a scary concept to ponder. 

Life is good. 
I have never been so content, as I am now. 
Even while I had those moments of suffocating loneliness, the contentment was under riding it all. 

Who wants to think about their loved one not being with them?
Who wants to ponder what life would be like if anything happened? 

Things are good, but my crystal ball is very rusty. 
It's never really worked all that well in the first place.

So out of that rubble, I contemplated those thoughts. 
Independence, something I held so highly and dearly and closely, doesn't matter in the same way it once did for me. 
I can barely make decisions on my own. 
Lots of decisions to be made with the book thing. 
And I have His support. 
But he is smart.
Smart enough to realize when something is outside of his expertise. 

And as I contemplated those thoughts, the refrain kept going through my head: 
What would I do without Him?
In the whole time that we have been together, I haven't been in the workforce. 

My references are so old they are invalid, if I had to go out and get a job's an overwhelming prospect.
And while it's true that I help with His business and we can even measure the affects of my help, as it were, it's still not comforting when placed next to that scary refrain. 
So I've decided to pour more energy into my little, tiny business and see if I can once more, reinvent myself. 

Seriously: that old Phoenix has nothing on me.

M/s can be liberating. 
The dependency can actually be kind of freeing. 
But it is still, dependency. 

And way back...the lost of my independence was the clincher that made me hesitate into giving this submission thing the 24/7 go. 
But I think, with any relationship, where it is give and take...there is a certain loss of independence on both sides. 
Somehow, with M/s, it seems more intense.

But, I don't have to go it alone. 
I can turn these worries and fears over to Him, lay them at His feet, with perfect trust and perfect love and know, that His strength will support me. 
He will lend his intelligence and his insights to my quest of reinvention. 
He always has. 

And I count my stars.