Wednesday, 31 December 2014

A Cup of Kindness

Wishing all of my faithful readers a very Happy New Year! Wishing you all much joy and plenty of good.
Thanks for hanging in with me for another year.

As you probably have gleamed by now, I truly am a solitary type. My circle seems to shrink more and more each year.But when I have been lucky enough to have been graced with it, friendship is not something I take lightly, not even virtually.

Many thanks for your support throughout this year, all the lovely comments and emails and the friendships made through the virtual windows. 
All of it has helped to keep my sanity.

It gets better and better.....I still believe's to hoping 2015 is all that and more.

Monday, 29 December 2014

Words, Words, Words

In my zeal for loving change, I often forget that there is a period of time between changing and the end result of that change.
I'm impatient and hardly ever satisfied. often frustrated and I'm sure I am frustrating to those who love me.

Obviously, we knew things were going to change and I think we have both more or less rolled with it, in terms of everyday-ness. I am convinced that if I didn't  have so much to recover from--if I didn't hurt constantly, it would be easier. Less frustration to battle among everything else that comes with a new dependent. 

It is getting a bit easier, we are getting just a little more sleep, which is making a difference.

But there is us, in the background and I'm not sure where we are.

The other night, I snapped at him--something he said struck a nerve.
He replied with, "I so want to beat you."
"You can't. I'm broken."

"You are not broken,"
"My body failed. My mind failed. I am broken."
"Your not broken. You are just in repair."

He's said this a lot. There was a time when believing what he said was easy, when I trusted the strength of his faith. Can I now? I'm finding it hard. Too much proof to the contrary.

Emotionally, pregnancy wasn't easy.

I didn't feel very slave like. Had little desire to be compliant. He didn't quite get that or know what to do with it and while he could watch the transformation, he couldn't go through it himself.
He's a control freak.

In the pregnancy state, I felt that my needs weren't being met. And even felt resentful that he is and always has been the priority.
His response to this was something like, "But that's what we agreed to."
Yes, yes it is. Except hormones. And frothing emotions.

But that last fight was pretty bad. All our fights during those nine months were. In normal times, even when we argued or fought, it was horrible--all of that  horrible was the drop from the happy cloud of our M/s state---also? We have always, always fought fair. He taught me how.
No fair fighting during the pregnancy.
We traded wounds and picked at vulnerable scabs.
That last one? He purposely picked at one of mine. It's weeks ago now but I still feel it because it's an issue I'm sensitive to and now all the work we had done to get me past it, seems pointless.

My neck has been bare for weeks.
I didn't think he noticed.
There was a valid reason to remove the collar-migraine, swelling, tension, something.
But he hadn't remarked on it.
And even with everything else, there was apart of me that wanted him to notice.
He did.
He slipped it on me.
I protested.
He didn't care....

It took twenty minutes for me to realize that things around the neck and tiny hands don't mix well at the moment.

But..he wants it on, there is a part of me that is happy it's off, a part of me that wishes it was on.

And all of this? Doesn't matter.
These thoughts come when its quiet and I just needed to outlet them.

Sunday, 21 December 2014

Happy Solstice, Merry Whatever

This has been my outlet for about three years.
And as I could really use an outlet now and have no wish to start another blog, here we are. Where I will talk about life with Baby Blue and the myriad of changes and all the while wonder if its appropriate...I do know that if we ever get back to how life was before, I'll unpublish the posts of these last ten moons.

"I think this time last year we were practicing making him", Horace said to me this morning.
"Hmm", was my reply.. because I can barely think. I have a hard time processing conversation. Can't take in much that isn't related to our newest member.
But later it hit me, this time last year, Winter Solstice last year, yeah, we did practice.
It was an amazing night. We had friends over and it turned into a play session. Wax play, Horace brought out the dagger. Yes, yes, it is as sharp as it looks.
Every once in awhile, I like to surprise.
And then it moved organically into a session  of heavy impact play where we traded off toys.
I dreamed about that cat o'nine nails for many, many nights afterwards.
It really was a lovely night,
 I miss that.

I can't imagine doing any of that now.
You see, pain and I? We are no longer on speaking terms.  It's kind of funny because the whole labour thing, it wasn't as painful as I expected. 
It hurt, absolutely, it hurt but it wasn't painful.
  It's everything that came afterwards that has screwed up my relationship with pain.
It's screwed up a lot of things, actually.

Everything I thought I knew about the mind/body connection? In shambles.
Everything I hold dear about willpower and setting forth intentions and flowing with energy? Complete fallacy.

And I can't imagine putting myself consensually, willingly in any situation that would involve the application of pain.

Told you, it's a lot to get through.
I'm working through it.
Day by day..if I haven't cried sobbing tears of grief, I count it as a good day.
And I am getting used  to the sleep deprivation. 
The night time wakings with Baby Blue are the hardest but we are taking it one feeding at a time...the fact that my breasts are sore and painful? Just more of the same (latch fine, by the way, and the experts can't figure out the causes).

This is where I am at the moment.
It kind of sucks.

But...there are glimmers of the silver lining.
Sometimes we manage a feed without pain and we have been out in the village twice and received--reminding me that fresh air and sunlight are good.
Did I mention the love? Yeah.
So much love. 

My friends, I will be reading when I can but commenting little.
 Grateful for the messages, but I will be slow to respond.

More silver lining?

Wishing you all  much joy on the longest night, a lovely holiday season to you and yours and a Merry Whatever Thing It Is You Do.

Thanks for reading.

Friday, 12 December 2014

Friday Fragments: A Week

One week ago, we said hello and welcome to our baby boy.
He's perfect, of course.
He's already amazing me and teaching me and I can't believe the love. 
So much love.

The birth didn't go as planned, and that's going to take some time for me to come to terms with.
 In the meanwhile Baby Blue and I are learning each other and I am trying to take it day by day,
This weekend's adventure is learning to nurse in public (any tips?)

My husband, I am so grateful. He's a good man, with very wide and strong shoulders. He saw me through the endless labour and never left my side through the twists and terms.

And I am so grateful too, for good support. I don't know what I did to deserve a confidante such as you, but I count my stars. 
We couldn't have made it through as well as we did without you.
You are amazing.

To my friends in Blogland, thank-you so much for all the lovely messages and kind words. 
I miss you all!