Really, its either figure out how to make it work with everything that has happened and the new circumstances or call it quits.
he didn't like that when i said it to him a couple of weeks ago.
And even with me being a crazy ball of emotion over these past months, we never completely lost it. There were moments...those moments that are so important...that reinforce your roles. Moments, yes at least in the last half of it, while not totally fulfilling for either one of us were there. the first half was easier---maybe...
But the last several weeks have been different. those moments haven't been there.
Recovery has taken so much out of me and you know, I only have so much energy and all of that energy is being taken up by our new addition.
I haven't been able to take touch, and that's one of those languages of loves that he needs.
But somehow, throughout all of this, he has kept us together. Kept us from falling apart. Kept us from sinks and laundry hampers overflowing.
I'm not sure when...but there was a trickle, a beginning of a turning tide.
The Stupidest Thing Ever, is how I have coined an event that I have to go to.
I don't want to go to it--I can't believe that such a thing is happening.
He made me agree to it.
Not in such a clear cut way but by giving me two choices of how The Stupidest Thing Ever was going to happen.
Horrible, horrible choices,
I had to choose and I chose the least horribles of the options.
So he can now claim that I agreed to it...but I didn't...
It does help that he grumbles about The Stupidest Thing Ever, because it means i can complain about it--well at least when he is grumbling about it. Its weeks away, so much more time to rant about it.
Yesterday? Day before?
I caught myself thinking about the birth.
And i caught myself smiling about it.
maybe i am starting to think that just because it didn't happen how it was supposed to, it is still beautiful.
"Come hug me".
I don't know why I asked....
He was working and he should be and I should stop interrupting him because I know he's behind.
But I climbed up on our big, gigantic, totally impractical bed.
He held me.
His hands wandered.
"What are you doing?"
Those were the last words he said, for a very long time.
I tensed up, he didn't say a word and just kept going.
Gently, his hands roaming over my body, his fingers finding their way...I gulped air, for a moment I couldn't breathe.
He paused and just waited.
Waited until I breathed again.
i did and twisted away, but he held me in place, gentle so gentle.
His fingers slid in deep.
Best orgasm ever.
He didn't say anything as he positioned me, slowly and gently, exactly where he wanted me.
He didn't say a word as he entered ,he just held me hard and waited me out and allowed me to think whatever i needed to --there was so much spinning through my mind--he knew my thoughts were racing.
Gentle yes, but each move he made, decisive and firm.
I didn't think i was ready.
Maybe I wasn't. Maybe I will never feel ready, maybe I am just so far into myself that I would stay in that not going forward place.
But he knew I could take this.
and I still trust him to know...