Wednesday, 29 April 2015

The Kink of the Week Made Me Think

There is such a thing as Kink of the Week.
Is this new?
Maybe it's just one of the UK things :-P
Anyways, reading some of the posts, made me think....huh.

It's been awhile since that happened and you know, it was so common place I didn't blog about it until one of the cool people wrote about it. But yeah.

Then I started wondering, if I would be 'okay' with it and how much I hate that that question even enters my mind because that's hardly ever his concern, but that put me in mind of past scenes which then made me think, maybe?

I guess you could say, thinking about it made me all submissively--or maybe the word is horny?

And sometimes I wonder, why he just doesn't do more of that taking over thing.


Why the breadcrumbs?
 Because...I'm not making this easy--I know, I know, horrible.
I'm not surrendering or putting anything on offer.
And I have suspected for awhile that he reads here, how he does that, I'm not entirely sure.
 He's not on the list.
     Why, of course I have better things to do than read blogs.
Going to go clean something now.

Tuesday, 28 April 2015

The Self-Talk

I didn't sleep well last night.
I was wide awake in the wee hours, thinking of speaking up of speaking my mind, wondering at the driving force behind this need to self-express. My thoughts turned to the birth experience.
The last few weeks, have been okay.
I'm not 'over it' and I still have triggers and stresses but it wasn't so raw. I was starting to look at it in a more complete way.

But early this morning, when everyone else was sleeping, I started to cry over it. I didn't call for him. I didn't want to wake him. He now has the cold we had and it wouldn't be fair. Plus, sometimes its exhausting trying to explain my canopy of emotions so they fit in his logical boxes. Sometimes, I just need to feel it, swim in the depth and intensity of it myself.

Stolen.
That's the word that kept surfacing in my mind.
Baby's birth feels as if it is something that was stolen from me. 
Those moments that I don't recall, that I can't connect with, the gaping holes in my memory. 
But so much more...the transition, didn't have a completion. 
And I understand, why this is hard for him to get.
 Sometimes I wonder if I am creating these feelings, assigning emotion to an experience that really wasn't *that* bad, if this has all just been in my head. 
It isn't linear, it isn't logical. 
It doesn't equate. I can be overjoyed with baby, have spent these past few months falling madly in love--gods, I can't believe the love--and not love the how of it.

*
A couple of months back, when I grudgingly realised I wasn't going to be able to do the blog thing on my phone, I started to 'like' a whole new bunch of Facebook pages. I know, that sounds so meaningless. But I needed something at those 2am long feedings and my phone has been my lifeline. As I was picking out pages to fill my newsfeed with, I realized I hadn't liked anything of my interests. Oh maybe a page here or there but mostly it was stuff that related to his stuff. So I delighted in finding pagan pages and crunchy pages. 
 It was a tiny toe-dipping of self expression.
I have been out of the broom closet for years, what the flock do I care if whatever family member sees that I like 'the spellery?' But I did pause and wonder before i went on the liking sphere.

Years ago, I started this blog to find my voice.
So I could work out what was in my head and better communicate it to him, when we were moving from D/s to M/s.
I wouldn't change what we are, what he has made and what I am. 
I don't think I could... I am a slave whether I like that fact or not. If I was created by him to answer the call within him or if it was there all along, a part of my make-up, or a little of both, is irrevelent.
But in bringing it out, in living this way, my voice was muted. 
My individuality broken up into what parts of me served him best, my passion and zeal laser focused to where he needed and wanted it to be.
 Of course, I had moments where I wanted to be all of me, all at once and where I buckled at his control--this blog is filled with those moments. 
But honestly? For the most part, I was absurdly content. I belong to him. I found freedom in surrender. Being his is what I signed up for. 
I had a new identify; and for me, being his wife was equal to saying I was his slave, obviously, some of me had to move out of the way. 
 So I spoke my mind less often.
I chose things that I liked less frequently or not at all, deferring to him all likes and wants and needs.
I was less free in giving my opinion, trying to find that diplomatic tact he is so fond of.
I tried to channel the chaos of my emotions in little pieces, so that he could understand what I was feeling before having to swim through emotional soup.
My passions, were something I did, something he supported but only after his were seen to, my passions, my dreams, my wants.

And then pregnancy kind of blew all of our M/s contentment up.
I felt differently.
I needed that old armor that he had so skilfully dismantled in making me his, I needed that passion that was so intense, I could feel as if liquid fire running through my veins, that fire he had tamed and redirected. I needed to isolate, to separate myself from him...and it was impossible. 
It was an unmet need, that kept raring its ugly head.
I really think, it would have been better if I had spent those months alone, in a cabin somewhere. 
I suddenly realized how much I needed to be heard but didn't know what to do with it. Maybe I was too long out of practice of self-expression.

Then came baby and the birth and over the last few months, the need to be heard has grown more intense, this driving force to express myself.
 Doing it badly. Risking the deep fear of being misunderstood every second.

This isn't just about the acts. Those little daily routines and rituals, the verbs that went into keeping hearth and home , doing it all for him. This is about identity and how far I can extend and how I can move more pieces of me around..can I squash down yet even more of me?

Because now, I am something new.
My perfect baby made me a mom and that requires a new voice and the space to find it.  It means trampling down yet again, self. 
And I  can. Absolutely.
The easiest thing in the world.
  Because it feels so damn right, like it was there this entire time, it just took one to find it. 
It's more like... expansion. 
Expansion of self.


But...oh..to be his?

*
You will be happy to know my friends, that I found a loophole.
 Forget the collar, the ring, the commitment, the vows, the promises...forget how being a slave is something I feel in the being that is me...
None of that matters.
   I'm not registered.

...

 Lil and Greengirl put it into words so much better---so everything they say in those posts is exactly what I meant here.










Monday, 27 April 2015

Unsaid

I'm not going to comment on any blog. ever again.

Well, ok,that may be a little rash.
But seriously.
Every comment I have made has been taken the wrong way, or misinterpreted or I've been corrected on--emailed--and yikes. If I have stopped by your blog and said something, I apologize.

Obviously I am not making myself understood through the screen very well and here I was thinking about writing again just this morning....

Instead of finishing up an actual post, I'm going to go and read up on how to do the cloth-diapering thing again so I don't get kicked out of the natural-mama club.
Oh, wait, we vaccinate.




Thursday, 23 April 2015

Can You Spare A Vibe?

I was mad at him this morning. It wasn't fair, I know. 

 I am so, so tired of being talked to as if I need to be talked down from the cliff.
At first I was whining--jokingly--but he didn't realize it because no one can tell that my cynic wit with a heavy side of sarcasm has returned--and the fact that he didn't realize it and kept making pap statements ticked me off and made me angry and whine for realz.
So I ended up being mad at him for that and I was already mad that I couldn't call my mum. It sucks.

I'm sick.
Baby Bleu and I are.
Though I thing I am sick because I am staying whatever it is he has off..
Sore throat and snotty nose. baby has stuffy nose but its cleared up some since last night.

So that's life right now.

And I might just be reaching the point where I want a baby-free hour...but there is no one on the planet I trust with baby, except for that man that I snapped at this morning because he had to do something stupid like go to work.

Whatever, we have to heal up soon....there is this baby thing I *need* to go to this weekend.*sigh*





Friday, 17 April 2015

This Week in Life

My boobs are too big.
 It's through the family grapevine that I was informed of this fact. 
That, is actually my mother-in-law's real problem with me breastfeeding. 
In theory, she is (apparently) for nursing but only if I do it behind a closed door or cover, because 'she's old fashioned that way'. 
Me breastfeeding her grandson offends her sense of morality because I do it in public and don't cover.
This has given me the strange urge to Facebook every nursing in public photo we have taken, can't imagine why.

Hovel is a mess. 
But I have managed to keep the kitchen cleanish, make dinner every night this week and I did some baking.
Baby Bleu and I have also gone out each day.
We even ran a work-related errand and I did slip a little work  in.

I know, these tiny small things seem hardly post worthy, but to me, it's huge victories and it's reassuring.


We are going to dismantle the bed.
This makes me kind of sad. I love our bed. 
Love our bed, so much. Our bed is huge and high.
And we co-sleep.

I'm worried that once baby gets more mobile, he is going to crawl over the guard rails, and I would really like to avoid that. So the solution is to put the king mattress on the floor, downstairs in baby's room. And to do that, we  have to also dismantle the room, and that makes me sad, too. But we can't come up with a solution that's safe and makes it work for everyone.

Other than these very interesting facts, nothing else to report. It's been a good week. Things between us are better.

And now to try and catch up with everyone...

Wednesday, 8 April 2015

Real Neat Blog Award


Because always, after question month, there is a blog award that invovles questions! Thanks to Tori for the nomination--it makes me feel like I'm apart of the general populace of Blogland again. 

The rules:

1) Put the award logo in your post
2) Answer 7 questions asked by the person who nominated you--see below
3) Nominate any number of bloggers you like, linking to their blogs---yeah, no
4) Let them know you nominated them---yeah, no

If you are among the 14 people that read here, consider yourself nominated. Questions at the end.

On to Tori's questions:

1) You win £5,000 what do you spend it on, nothing boring like bills etc...for yourself, both, home etc?

According to Google's currency converter, that works out to be 9354.73, in Canadian dollars.

You know about the bonfire, but I would need more than that to do it in glorious fashion.

He is usually easy to buy for, it would just be a matter of choosing the item he's talked most about recently off his wish list.

For me...
I would love to hire someone to come and tell us how to organize and make the Hovel work with the addition of Baby Bleu. 
 I need storage for all the stuff people give me that I said I didn't want in the first place and as baby gets older, I'm sure there will be stuff I actually do want and need a place for and my home is getting to me.
 I would hire someone to come in and look after Baby Bleu for an hour. 
I've been trying to write an article since 5am this morning; uninterrupted time is a commodity that would be worth paying for.
 Writing a blog post, I can tap out a line here and there. Trying to work on something where I need to concentrate and cite sources? Not happening.

Those are rather boring answers...hmmm....


2) Your significant other, gives you the option of doing something kink wise, for one night, your choice, whatever you like, free reign..what you going to do?

What's kink again?

We had talked about exploring playing in front of/with others in a more controlled way and the idea was appealing to me on many levels. Its always about the experience for me. A night of that type of experimentation would be interesting.

3) Breakfast in bed, chilling together or a night out at your favourite restaurant?

I have to choose?!
 Breakfast is an insanely huge deal around here...but I would choose a night out. It doesn't even have to be at a favourite restaurant. Just a night out.

4) Whats the last music album you bought/downloaded?

Ha!!!!!!
 I don't do music.
For him, the last thing I downloaded was that U2 give-a-way album, he was entrenched in work at the time and wanted to make sure he didn't miss it.

5) What advice would you give your 18 year old self looking back, knowing what you do know now, about anything...you choose?

When it comes to education, I wish I had made better choices. Its not exactly a regret, just something I do wish had turned out better. So my advice would be:

Be the researcher you are now, do the research, collect the information, ask questions then choose wisely.

6) New shoes or a new dress? why that choice?....no you cant have both lol

Dress of course.
 I hate shopping for shoes.
Its so depressing, I only shoe shop alone or with people who love me...like love me a lot.

7) Do you have any rules/expectations you wish you didnt have or are there rules/expectations you dont have but would like?

Back in before times?
 I wouldn't want to add to the list--his expectations can be so exacting.
 But there would be silly, fluffy things that I would read about other people having that I sometimes wish he would ask for.
I would hate it but I know he would be amused by something (imo) stupid and funny and get satisfaction in making me do it.

****

My seven questions--let me know if you have decided to play---

1. What is one thing--one physical object--that you want more than anything right now?

2. Last good book you read?

3. What is one circumstance you wish could be different in your life?

4. Give an example of, 'I knew better but did it anyway'?

5. What do you love about ttwd/kink?

6. Have your kink experiences influenced how you view other people?

7. Who in Blogland would you like to have coffee with and why?


Tuesday, 7 April 2015

Moments...

There are stretches of time where I think I have made peace with it and the wounds don't feel so fresh.
And then there are moments that haunt me.

Its the missing moments. The blanks in my memories. Moments I won't be able to get back, moments I wasn't entirely present for.

I didn't see my husband's face or hear his voice, that first moment.
 I didn't get to see his reaction. That hurts.

I can barely recall the first moments that I finally met our baby. I can't recall what I said or what we did. 

I wish I wasn't hung up on all of  these details...I wish I could just let it go...but the moments matter to me.

*

Meant to warn you all that scribbling about the birth experience was coming...

Monday, 6 April 2015

Its just...

One of those, 'I want to write but if I do it will come out harsher and more depressed than it is in reality and everyone will leave comments and send email and it takes too much energy to respond even though the feedback is so appreciated but the need for self-expression and the need for an outlet so incredibly strong right now...' moments.

It hasn't been the greatest week around here.

I wish the Easter bunny paid a visit because I could use more chocolate than we have...nobody actually eats healthy with an infant, right? Its one of those things that others lie to you about, yes?
I ate chips for breakfast.
And coffee.
And two granola bars for lunch.
And more coffee.

Upside: He left me a note this morning.

Downside: It reminded me that a lot of our relationship communication involves little things and I haven't done anything little for him in awhile. One of his asks, was to make dinner and I find that to be challenging and haven't been able to pull it off consistently...but I get why its important to him because so many of our rituals involved around the hearth...its more than just dinner/eating.

Upside: At least it stopped snowing. Momentarily.


Wednesday, 1 April 2015

March 2015 Questions: Changes?

Yesterday's question was the one I disliked the most. This one from M has to be the hardest to answer:

My question is - you've blogged and reflected a bit on what's changed since Baby Bleu's arrival. I'd like to know what HASN'T changed, and if that's surprised you? Have some things that you thought wouldn't change but have and vice versa? 

Hard to answer, because I can't help but wonder if the things that have and haven't changed are influenced by the birth experience.
But...

As each day passes and we interact more with other mamas, I'm beginning to be more sure of this.
Nothing has changed.

Oh, of course life with a baby involves some adjustment and I am still healing but I honestly thought there would be some change, that I would feel, this mystical change that would descend upon me. I thrive on change. You also hear it ad nauseum 'just wait till you have kids, everything changes/your perspective changes' but truthfully? 
Nothing has changed and that has been the most surprising thing to me of all.

Having a baby was a conscious decision, maybe that is why I am not experiencing the shock I heard so much about and maybe its also because I was mentally prepared for when it came to the feeding/caring of the baby.

It might also be, because I'm me...I have never thought like others do. I have never been one of the crowd and I have always kind of been apart. Maybe its also because I know what it is like to put someone else before me--now I'm just further down on the list.

So I'm still me, just with a creature...and that's kind of like an all-consuming extension of me.

But I am beginning to think that I honestly thought that having a baby would make me more like them...you know, the sheep, the crowd. 
But no, its still me and I still don't fit in and I can't believe there is apart of me that still wants that kind of inclusion and acceptance...there must be or why would I be surprised?

Of course, we are still learning where everyone fits and how and our relationship needs to continue to adapt...but what I thought would change; me, and how I thought it would change, hasn't.

Everything feels more intense, more heightened but its not changed...I think it influences and changes cause and affect and in so many ways its better--seriously, guys, the love--but its not the big bang change I was kind of looking forward to.


I hope I managed to express myself well enough here to answer the question.