Friday, 29 May 2015


I really, really wish I had the five minutes to intelligently write about what I find so alarming about this..but I don't.

I will say, before baby came, I was concerned that I would find it boring--because that's what you hear---it turns out, I was too exhausted, too ridden with pain to care and once I got over that bump, I started being creative. Just because you do the same thing every day, doesn't mean you have to do it the same way..that's as far as I can relate to this.

This just reeks with such entitlement and privilege.

It's making rounds in the moms groups...good gods, people.

Tuesday, 26 May 2015


I'm going to give my exclusively breastfed infant cow's milk because when he turns six months he gets cow's milk.


Latest from mil.
Her interpretation when I said, "The WHO recommends milk for the first two years and beyond."...which was my attempt to hedge off the 'now that he's older when are you going to stop breastfeeding...' conversation. Didn't work.

(And yes, I do realize, it is kind of pathetic that this is the only place I have in life to post this)

Friday, 22 May 2015

One of those Morning Afters...

We argued last night.
It sucked.
We had managed almost two weeks.

I find moving on emotionally from these incidents, much harder. I want to move on in thought and action but my emotions are still there.
 I'm not sure if this is because we are shattered more than I think, or its a 'just having had a baby' kind of thing (hormones again?), anyways we did the kiss and make up thing.
I'm sure he wished he could beat me, instead.


Babywearing is a cult.
I know.
I was just as surprised.
 There are so many different contraptions to use and wear and I'll admit to having four on my wish list (wraps, slings, ssc's...conversions! Oh My).
Right now one of the major brands is holding a contest for their carrier through a Facebook group and people enter by posting a gazillion times a day.

That's not the craziest part.

These things are expensive, can be very expensive if we are talking about a hand woven wrap for instance, the price goes up on who it is made or converted by and how well it is broken in, if it is a collector's item because the print has been retired, etc.
The usual comeback is, "I don't hear anyone complain about how expensive strollers are" so like typical cult mentality, justification is easy to come by.

As this contest is going on and the new releases of the ssc are being shared, comments are circulating like, "I don't know if we can afford that" and "My husband/significant other says we can't afford one."

You know what the replies have been to that last one?
"Don't tell him."

Women are telling other women, to lie to those they live with and love in pursuit of the new fancy babywearing carrier. Seriously.
 Not only are they suggesting the lie, they are conspiring to aid in the obtaining of the carrier, "Have it sent to my place! I'll ship it to you and you can say you won it!"

I feel a little ill reading this forum.
 I can't get my head around this.
He doesn't micro-mange me with money, but if I am considering spending $200 I am going to run it past him, because he manages the budget and oh? it's just common flockin courtesy.
 I am certainly not going to lie and scheme behind his back, after he has said we can't afford it.
Gods, people.

SSC, in this instance means 'soft structured carrier'.
 Yep, I always think of the other one, too.

Thursday, 21 May 2015


Once upon a time, I did create a Pinterest account.
I have since forgotten the login info. and also forgot why I ever thought Pinterest would have any use. Only remember I did this, because I get notifications.
But this would be something to pin, yes?
Reminded of it last night, thought I would put it here.

Kiersten White, The Chaos of Stars

I'm actually feeling more like myself than I have in a long while and we are mostly okay.

Thursday, 14 May 2015


(It seems like I missed a couple of readers on my last poorly worded, 'Do you still read here?' Fixed that, apologies)

In our toy collection, there is this metal rod/tube/cane thing.
 Kind of like lead pipe.
I mean, why?

He used that on me last night.
Apparently sex just might be the solution.
Being stuck with this cane, feeling tears slide down my cheeks (hello, pain tolerance, if you don't come back soon I'm going to have to stop using the word masochist) and him in complete control...yeah.
He gave me an out.
"Say 'Please use your hand Sir'"
Might have gotten up to fifty strikes before I relented and those words left my mouth.
Stubborn or still not totally willing to succumb.
Bit of both.
I had almost forgotten, how strong he is and how well he knows all the buttons to press and how we intertwine.

For us, so much started in the bedroom.
The concepts, ideas and structures played out in action, there.
That's where the intimacy of D/s began, that's where he taught me protocol and what he wanted and that's where I first learned to surrender, because the mental play for me, is the driving force, its where I draw the confidence from to follow his lead, how the 'yes Sir' while out and about in life formed, where I know it is safe and secure to be everything that I am at any given moment.

I often wondered if I can have what he wants--the control, the service and the various protocols--without the play of kink. Never really answered that question in pregnancy.

In the past, certainly.
But for me, its more complete.
Its like I can give more, do more because what he has created in me, is being spoken to and acknowledged.

It's like, as I am reclaiming my place, he is reclaiming me and both had to happen at the same time.

Wednesday, 13 May 2015


He took the baby this morning, changed and dressed him, so I could pee and splash water on my face.
It was an early wake-up, we all went to bed at 2am (he couldn't sleep with baby being wide-awake, I did tell him to go to bed).

And I hurried through the washroom and thought, "Is this okay? Okay that he is doing this? He doesn't have to. Is it all right?"

I often think that when it comes to how much of the baby stuff he is doing. I don't know what is normal, here.
Sometimes he complains about something baby related and that throws me off because I don't know what to do the next time I could use a hand. Lately, I've been keeping quiet and not asking for what I need--which can be applied to all areas,

He sat with bebe and told me to make a coffee if I liked. I did and then gathered up his lunch stuff-significant because he let me do it and that made me very happy.

He actually let me do something for him. Yea.
Because it occurred to me, I don't know where my place is. I don't know what he wants, it has been awhile since he has asked or told me or identified anything that he needs-that is a communicative, direct way.

And maybe I have been feeling untethered.
Especially since I can't flip off switch to get my brain engaged into slaveness.
Sometimes I think, he forgets the power he has over me.

Because he told me he didn't need me last week and that he had been doing a lot of the stuff I usually do since I was pregnant.
 So yeah, I have been feeling demoted and like he doesn't need me.

 So my response to that has been to push back and not need him--its kind of hard to need or want when someone has taken over everything, anyways,

Sometimes, I feel like we are still in labour.
My mind goes back there often because it feels like something left undone. It feels as if he hasn't acknowledged....something.
It's ridiculous, I know.
I can't put words to that feeling more than that...
And I'm consumed with guilt over what I put him through, us through, guilt over what I put everyone who was there, through.

But sometimes
There are glimpses of the old us.
And I wonder if my reality is distorted.
I wonder if its as bad as I think it is, or if I am just feeling it so intensely, coupled with being extra sensitive these days.
Because it isn't bad all the time.

I'm feeling insecure.
And the lack of confidence thing is just ticking me off...but it comes from him not letting me do things or telling me I am doing things wrong--that's a very,very, old wound.
It comes from not knowing what to do because no one is in control here.
It comes from not knowing how to bend or give over the will, because I can't.

Tuesday, 12 May 2015

Morning After

He fucked me last night.
It was kind of perfect.
Apparently I still feel slave like during sex, I can relinquish control without question.
So that's the solution: sex all the time.

It's not of course.

But we made it through the day without an argument.
It would be nice if we could make it through the week...

And i'm making lists of what to buy and what to clean and what to organise and rearrange, as if I am trying to reclaim my place but yet...I am stuck.

Don't want to bend or give in, don't want to surrender the will.

I don't like how it feels.
Throughout these months, I have been trying to do things to keep the stress down--tricky with trauma because the fight/flight response is only a breath I'm working on adding new stress releases much as I hate to admit it, I do better with a little interaction during the day than none.

I came across this article and while I don't think we could incorporate the exact protocol, the article is gold for explaining how to diffuse conflict and what to do when that point has been reached.

I am craving ownership.
 But I'm held up on being willing...weird, weird all weird and strange and not me. Not us.
To think, at one point all he had to do was point to the floor...

Thank-you all so much for the comments and messages, for letting me know that here, I am being heard.

And if anyone else wants my Fetlife name, just leave a comment--I'll leave it there.

What was it about this past March?

Monday, 11 May 2015

Not Okay

I am the most happy, blissful and full filled as I have ever been.
Oh my gods, the love.

And at the exact same time...

I am the most sad, confused and disparaged as I have ever been.
Trauma sucks.

I don't know what to do.
I don't think he knows what to do.
And I have become very used to counting on him knowing what to do.

My way to hope with stress is to freak out and keep people at arm's length. His way to deal with stress is to control every little thing.
We are getting nowhere, except for when we do get somewhere but its short lived. Maybe that's the best we can do.

I don't know if I fully trust him as my Dom. I don't know if I want to or can.

I feel like...ever since baby was born, there has been a mission to separate us.
But it appears that I am doing the mom thing well, so that's what I want to do. That's all I want to do.
And then I get told that I can't just do that.

I do...something else and I'm told I am doing it wrong.
I voice how I feel and its argued away, I am told its not true, or that I'm wrong.
He has taken control of everything and won't let me do anything--from  cleaning to choosing a house plant.

 I wake up upset and call him. He tells me I shouldn't have.
I wake up upset and don't call him. He tells me I should have.

I'm screaming and raging because I am not being heard.
He won't respond, except to argue for the right of what I have said.
I actually expect people not to listen to me and have notice in conversations with others, I will repeat myself...I don't think I am being listened to because my words aren't acknowledged.

I feel like...I am being emptied so quickly and don't have enough to fill.
 Sometimes I think I need another dominant to talk to.
Or many more to talk to.

I feel like...
My identify, he has taken it away by taking over everything...he doesn't need me.

Or just to disappeared and learn how to hide.
 Its crummy and this sucks.
So much.

I hurt.
He hurts.

I he patches me up long enough just to break me again.
And I know that....breaking people en route to healing you is not okay.

Terrified that I am gulity of doing just that.
Scared that this is just too much and we won't make it through.
Question whether or not I want to,

Question whether or not I want to just to prove that I can.
That I can do something.

Did I ever have self-confidence? Did I ever feel secure?
Hard to know in this foggy moment of tears.

(This was in drafts after another stress reaction, emotional heavy day where it ended in a hours long argument..needed to get  words out...debated publishing the end..I did)

Sunday, 10 May 2015

The Good People


I was emotionally ambushed and bombarded this weekend and its too much even for this emotional junkie.

My circle might be small, but I have good people. And its not the quantity that matters.

There is so much to say and to process....

Friday, 8 May 2015


This is my 400th post!

If you are reading this, you definitely deserve cake!

Blogging is important to me.
It has always been a good outlet.
For the last year, it has been one of my sanity savers.

My Blogger friends constantly inspire me--I have learned so much from all of you!
Thank-you for reading.

Here are a handful of top blog posts from over the years:

A Temple
Escape (erotica)
Getting Edgy (humilation play, the 'cupcake')
For This
About Pain
Care & Feeding of Dom Ego
Service of Chivalry
Sometimes It's Like This
On His Authority
Release of Resistance
Independently Slave
Questions on Slavehood

Tuesday, 5 May 2015

Fire Lit

I was awake at four am this morning. 
Baby usually has a feed at that time but a couple of weeks ago, we started to move to a four-hour feeding schedule (though the cold put us right back to three hours) and I felt...alarm at this...
 It's the last of his infant hood, 
And I know I'm being ridiculous.
 But...all the hardship that our breastfeeding has been and for all I know, it could be over next month.

I am candid when people say such inane things like, "It goes by so fast." my standard reply to that off-handed comment is: "Yes but those first weeks were pretty rough." 
And wouldn't you know it? The person then relents and tells me about their first weeks or birth experience. It's like we have all been told we have to lie, so we do but I have never done pretence, so I don't.
 I have had the exact same happen with the comments of, "it's a lot of work," to which I reply with, "it's so good. We are happy he's here" and in turn, they gush to me about theirs, I refuse to speak in a negative way about my child. I don't criticize my husband in public (exception being the outlet this blog has been for the last few months), so why would I negatively speak of my child?

As I learn more about gentle parenting and how to apply it, I am reminded about how powerful words are. Last night, I was trying to get a point across to my husband and he took it as criticism.

There is this professional contest he wants to enter.
I want it for him so much. So badly
It was the first time since the end of pregnancy and birth that I felt that fire roar, the one that says, his success matters to me more than anything.
I tried to get that across to him, but I was speaking in a negative way and didn't realize it.
 My intention was to say, of course he can do it. Of course he can succeed. Of course he's talented enough and of course I believe he can. But it turned into a litany of what hasn't been done yet, of what didn't happen.

And maybe that is just the consequence of the last few months of speaking in that call and response way, instead of communicating properly. We are starting to get there. 
Routines are starting to emerge (how insanely happy am I that I didn't force baby on some kind of pre-arranged schedule?!) and order is starting to appear every now and then.
This past weekend was awesome.
Yesterday, I felt like I was rockin' this mama thing.
 I had succeeded at fulfilling the requests he made of me and a little more, besides.
 This morning has been a little rocky but there is time left in the day.

Anyways, at 4am, I was thinking of dreams and how I don't want to give up on mine. 
 And how maybe I can try that writing thing again...which led to reading the draft of the spanking romance novel I started last year. 
 I think its pretty dreadful.

And that led to thinking...that maybe, just maybe, I would post it here--on a page of its own--and maybe my blogger friends would like to give some feedback?

I know how to sell books.
Writing in a formulate, genre way has always been the problem.


Oh, people

Here in Ontario, the powers that be rolled out a new sex-ed curriculum.
And chaos has ensued.
People are keeping their children home from school in 'protest'. Here is a break down of fact vs. fiction

The claims made have made me shake my head, wish that I could fast-forward and send my child to school now to join the pro side and then I breath a sigh of relief that we aren't there yet.

There is nothing in this new curriculum that mine isn't going to learn growing up from us.
Also? I feel like, if you can't say the anatomical correct words, I can't trust you with my child's safety.

He's only five months old but has heard the proper words--done consciously to get me who grew up with a lot of body shame, used to saying them.

He has already met people on the rainbow spectrum of LGBTQ--it will be his norm, nothing out of the ordinary to have those interactions and is going to know the difference between gender (identity) and sex (function).

This whole thing has made me feel despaired about the stupidity of people and I'm learning, that being a mama brings out the activist that I thought was long gone.

I had a more elegant way of saying all this having to do with communication style but that one sits in drafts.

EDIT: I thought some of you would find that interesting and the 'new' curriculum comes into effect for the fall.