Wednesday, 26 August 2015

On Reading...

"I think Kobo should give me a free book as soon I am done reading one."
"Come on slaveling, I know you know how capitalism works."
"Actually I don't. If I did I would be better at making money."
"Fair point."

There are changes coming.
And I will bore you all to tears writing about them here.

Thank-you for reading.

I was asked, why I have put a couple of posts on pages, instead of posts and if I wanted it to be read.

If you can read here, see this, then of course, I have no objection to you reading it. I always welcome feedback to anything I write.

Posts by email just feel so permanent sometimes, where as with pages I can choose to move them, hide them, or unpublish them as the mood strikes.

That was all the reasoning I had for putting it on a page.
I didn't realize I had readers who couldn't visit the blog but only saw posts by email. That was an oversight on my part, nothing personal.


Saturday, 22 August 2015


I feel less crazy.
I feel more and more like myself.
There are still moments and not all the pieces are back together again, but I am starting to regain my own mind, or my own sense of self which is apparently taken apart and flung to all corners of the earth when you have had a baby.
I know.
So many of you told me.
There are still issues and things I am grappling with but that is life.

A couple of weeks ago, I was blindsided by a meme. I know. It was painful.
Here is the meme:

Totally sappy and new-agey and bah.
I haven't read Eckhart Tolle.
But for some reason, those words stuck in my mind and I began to turn them over and over again until they were meaningless.
And meaningful.

Because why, would I choose it? Why?
There was a moment, back in December. The moment where all my plans and hopes and wants unraveled.
I did not choose it.

Why? Why would I chose it.
Why would I?

And as this stuck in my head, something started happening, little by little.
It hovers on the outer edges.
It doesn't fully linger.
But it's there.

I have not told anyone about baby's birth.
But this seemed like the place to share.
Where else?
A Night in December

Thank-you for being here, my friends.

Saturday, 8 August 2015

The Issue

"Can you please not eat those while you are holding the baby?"
I stopped him just before he snagged cashews from the bowl on the counter.
"I have this fear of baby swallowing nuts. It's a real issue for me, not a fake issue."
"I don't think you have fake issues."
 That made me halt in my tracks. Seriously, I backtracked to the kitchen.
"But you railroad over my issues all the time."
He might have admitted that was true.
And yes, I admitted that the fear of nuts thing was a little out of proportion but you know, I can mom how I want to.

That little exchange, highlights the major change in our dynamic pretty well.
He never accepted that I had issues, problems, or that there was something I couldn't do. He knows my strength. He has never accepted a show of less.
My boundaries and limits, were his.
He thought I could do it or I should do it, than I did. 

But postpartum and all the glory it has brought us has shifted those cornerstones.

In the aftermath, it is looking more like it used to.
Except, I point out that something has taken a hold of me and won't let go. 
He hears me, acknowledges it and railroads over it, anyways. 
But he tells me he is doing it--that is a major difference. 
I offer him more transparency and he responds with sharper honesty.

He knows my strength. That is why he didn't let me break.
I can't help wondering if it would have been easier, if he had. Something to be said for those clean breaks.
Instead, I walked around wounded, patched together, with the cornerstones of the past but the new compass of the now.
And some days? It still feels like I am barely holding on.

Wednesday, 5 August 2015

Nothing, really, nothing

I just might be wanting time to myself.
 The thought is kind of alarming.
Because I don't even know if that would be possible or what that would look like. I'm not even sure if I want it in reality or if I am feeling a bit overwhelmed with life.
 I barely know what to do when the baby is napping.

Told you it was nothing.