Sunday, 29 November 2015

This and That Week.

This week.
This week? I get all the feels.
And? Good gods, it looks like we are going to make it.

There might have been kinkery fuckery.
It was okay.
He wanted it.
I complied--apparently, I can still do that.
It was pretty fuckin awesome, actually.
  Even with the breath play.

He was cutting off my air supply, when the thought went through my mind of, "Oh riiiigiht. That's a thing we do."
Once upon a time, breath play was on my list of hard limits.
And because it was a limit, He of course railroaded it, until as evident, I could no longer recall why it was a limit.
 Other than I'm fond of breathing.
I liked the fear it spiked and he liked my fear.
Yeah, it was good.

I'm trying to stay in the moment.
I am trying to pay attention to what he wants.
 I'm trying to meet his needs, moment to moment.
I am trying to just breath.
I need to get better at managing my own stress levels and not reacting.


Its been a year since our last dinner out together.
Its so surreal.
 I was expecting this flood of emotion but I wasn't quite prepared for all the wonderful, sweet memories that are flooding my receptors. I like it.
 So yeah.
This week.

Thursday, 26 November 2015

The Bad Morning After

MC, as she often does, offered a comment that made me pause on the last post.

" Could you see the mama thing as being part of the wife/slave thing? I mean, you're nurturing his child. That's a pretty big service you're giving there,no?! Now I know you do it for the sake of the baby himself, but there might be an aspect of doing at his behest too?
maybe he could see it that way, too? maybe he already sees it that way?"

I don't think I ever really saw the two things entwined that way before.

Tell me friends...if those roles are there for you, how does it play out for you?


I am certain that *He* sees it this way.

He has been so stressed lately.
His stress got to me, this time.

He made dinner last night.
It was a huge deal because it was one chore off my list.
And you know, he made dinner. That's nice
My energy levels are so low at night.

One of my blog readers, RM sent me a few links on how postpartum issues can flare and be worse at night. Night, has been challenging.

He is stressed and when he stresses, he has a tendency to close off.

I need more these, days.
But so does he.

I need more tell.
You see child rearing as part of service? Then tell me.
You want me to share my latte? Then say so.

He needs more show.
He wants me to do it all, without him having to say a word.
And I just don't have the energy to be his mindreader.

I know its a shift.
Anticipatory service was such a big thing, ever present in our relationship.

We all have days, right?
He reminded me last night, of all the very good days we have had and have and how when we falter and hit bottom, how awful it feels--it feels that way because the norm is the total opposite. 

Our highs are really, really good and our lows are really, really icky.

There are many days, where I feel we have this and I can do this.
Then there are moments where I want to cry. Sometimes I do.

If I can't know what happens every single moment of the day--which would be my ideal--I want....I long for consistency.

I'm not asking for a lot, am I?

Saturday, 21 November 2015

Picking Up

He went out and tied up another girl. 
And we survived. 

I was a grown-up.
I didn't get mad about it.
I worked through all my range of feelings on my own.
I didn't lash out at him.
And when we fought--coz that's still pretty regular around here--I didn't bring it up.

But it was hard. 
Oh so very fuckin hard. 
Because the thing is, the thing that neither one of us really realized before, is non-sexual play is all fine and good but there is a current of sexuality that runs under it. 
And how that current plays out is impossible to predict before it happens.

The whole evening he was gone, I was fine. 
Until it got later and later and I was up by myself dealing with a babe. 
Perfectly timed text, saved my emotional scale from tipping over. 

And you know what made it even more fine?
He came home, happy. 
Really, really happy. 

That made me feel more secure in this new landscape that we are toe-dipping into. 
He was happy and relaxed and free.

And I was fine. 
Until he told me about getting the girl a glass of water. 
 Yeah, I know. 
Him telling me about that one little gesture, pulled at my strings. 
Gestures, oh the acts, mean so much. 

Our dynamic has been constructed by little acts of show and tell that have all created intimacy. 
^^^That my friends, is what has been so missing these past few months.Huh^^^

Both of us are too tired by life right now to do anything further with this or take it anywhere other than it has been but yes, this experience did pull the opening back a little more.

Thursday, 12 November 2015


You know the whole thing about penetration causing me massive amounts of pain? I swear it has gotten worse.
 We had sex this morning.
I think it took about five hours for the burning, stabbing, acute pain to subside and I seriously thought I was going to faint during the act.

This isn't kinky. It just kind of sucks.
And I would like to have sex without it hurting, maybe just one time.


Yeah. I know. I should probably go see someone about it. But that's not going to happen any time soon.

And hey, I've been instructed to shop for a new vibrator. Suggestions on type/brand?

Sunday, 8 November 2015

All the Fears.

I'm trying to act like a grown-up and finding it increasingly difficult.
Also low on sleep. Which doesn't help anything.

We go through this every so often. Its the nature of his work. But this time, it feels much more stressful.
 And even though, I keep telling myself that every time we weather this storm, it does lead us to a better, improved place, its not helping.
There are insecurities, then there is the mothership of insecurity and its a huge fuckin ship.
We suspected things with this job would change.
I looked a few months back, reported back and prayed we did enough to tie the ship down.
Not so much.
He used to trust my intuition. He used to joke it was one of the reasons why he kept me around. He used to act on the knowledge my insights gave.
 I knew this was coming.
And I wish we were better prepared.

We aren't. And I feel its a precarious situation that could have been avoided.
I don't know what's going to happen next.
I hate that.
 I can't summon the necessary dose of optimism to keep buoyant and he's angry at me for that. He doesn't understand that this is a shaken faith thing, that is clawing at my very deep, deeply rooted insecurities and I just can't roll with it as easily now.
He wants me to trust him.
 Its not him,
Its the fear of not making it, of not having, of lacking, of coming up short, of not getting ahead, of not doing all the cool things that we planned for. Its the raging fears of not being able to succeed of not being able to fulfill needs and wants.
 Its a huge, huge fuckin mothership.

He wants me to be optimistic.
He spotted something that would be so cool, it would be a dream for him and he went for it.
And I want it for him so badly.
Like always.

But he doesn't think I'm being optimistic enough.
But I was supportive.
I just didn't have the energy to fling my heart out on this one.
I think I am just tired.
Tired of chasing the dreams and having so little.
And I really hate not knowing what is going to happen next.

Him tying up other girls, is so much easier to deal with than this one.

I wish...we were somewhere else.
But we're not.
And I don't want to be a grown-up about it.

Yep, pretty much. Exactly this.

Thursday, 5 November 2015


I might have been slow to catch the crash yesterday, but I tried to help us reset. that has to be some kind of progress.
We had a nice dinner.
Baby Bleu was up forever, because that's life right now and I'm totally okay with it but sometimes its a little wearing.
I shooed him off to the gym.
Because I can do that, shoo.
 Maybe months ago I would have been more passive about that but last night, I fully shooed, "get out of here, go".

And I was reminded as the last dregs of stress lifted for this round, that it doesn't have to be all or nothing.

That is such a hard concept for me to grasp and one I have struggled with for years. In pursuit of anything, I will throw myself against the rocks, pour my whole self into it and do it over and over again, because there isn't another way in my mind.

Though, this is something He has helped me with and these days, I am able to choose where I put my energies better.
 But so often, I want all. And I think all means throwing all of me into the mix and it doesn't. It doesn't have to be that way.

It occurred to me, that I have been asking my Mate for things, just to see what he would say.
  I didn't realize I had developed this habit, until I paid attention to the dialogue I was using. Again, testing, yes, but not in a manipulative-on-purpose kind of way.

So much of what I wanted didn't happen.
That's life.
But when it didn't go as planned eleven months ago, I also felt a sharp loss of my voice. What I wanted didn't matter. I also lost something that I have relied on for years; that surety of the mind-body connection.
And this was tied to him in so many ways.
He believed that I could do it. He was right there with me. He was amazing support. And has been for this entire year.

But for years, I have looked to him to decide, to guide, to take and give. I've relied on him.
And somehow, that trust I had in him, was also shaken.
Maybe its because he didn't protect me from my worse fears being manifested.
 I'm not blaming him.
I don't blame him.

So maybe for all these months, I've been asking him for this and that just to know where those lines are. Just to see how far I can extend that trust. Just to see if he would come through. Just to see if what I want does matter.

It does matter, as much as he gives that particular thing weight but what he wants matters too, matters most in fact and I have to do a better job of acting on that and putting aside the litany of asking him, just to see what he will say.

I can do that.

Yesterday was hard for us, because we had a bundle of really good weeks. I think we are finding our balance.

We always do reset.

"How many camels do you think I'm worth?"
"I have to look up the market value of a camel".

Wednesday, 4 November 2015

Waves and Crashes

Waves and crashes, this healing thing happens.
And today I crashed. Totally.

There was no discernible thing that brought it on, other than timing.
 Right after Baby Bleu was born, in those first few weeks, the PPTSD manifested in a few different ways.
 I needed the baby close to me. If the baby wasn't in my sight or on me, I would panic. Seriously: babywearing saved my sanity.
 As soon as I put the baby to nap and stepped away, I would cry, because suddenly my mind would race and fill in all the details of what had happened with the birth and the feelings of loss and grief and regret and rage would swirl around.

Today, while putting baby down to nap, I was just watching him, in that way you do and felt that panicky sensation run over me. But I didn't catch it for awhile and went on and did other things...until it all caught up to me in a tangle bed of stress symptoming.

Its often through the lens we view that changes so much.

I hate that this year has been so rough.
I loathe the fact that it has been so hard on my mate.

He wants to have a party.
Fine. We will do that. Cool.

I'll just stay out of his way.

I can do that.

 In so many ways, this year has been so incredible.
And amazing. And magical. And beautiful.

And. And. And. And.