It is unbelievable what having two hours to myself did.
I can't believe how I felt and feel now.
Things aren't so gloomy and doomy.
And I get to see that, some of our life is how it ever was and I get to catch glimpses of where it might be, someday.
I went shopping.
Xmas shopping for Him but it was two hours where I thought my own thoughts and interacted with other people.
I got to drink a latte.
And I ate fries.
I might have bought a second latte. < And on the subject of Xmas...He says I do this every year (thrash and pout about it). Until it gets closer and my slaveling heart grows ten more sizes...Its my introvert way of dealing with the madness. >
Where I got to contemplate life outside of the Hovel and Baby Bleu and realized how drained I had been feeling, how low my well was.
I got to aimlessly wander around.
And whatever I came home with is pretty dreadful.
But it was two hours to just be.
I need more of this--I don't mean the literal two hours, that so is not always possible which is why it happens so very rarely.
We went through so much this year.
But we went through so many changes in the past two months.
We just didn't have a chance to catch our breath.
We are the same as we ever were. We both just require more space to be. Because we are both giving more of ourselves to other beings and places.
There is a thing or two that glitters through, even in the lows.
I put on the stupid cuff even though I despise it.
I need more.
We need more.
Space for us.
The hardest part for me, in those first days with Baby Bleu was not being able to see past the immediate needs.
And therefore, not being able to see past that hour or day.
That's why I fretted so much over the dishes and the meals--I knew none of that mattered but I needed to answer the question of "WHEN will I be able to?" function again.
When will the pain stop?
When will I want to be touched again?
When will I be able to cook?
When will I be able to see my family?
When will I be able to sleep next to my husband?
The litany was endless, absolutely endless and the idea of not being able to do anything that used to make up our normal sent waves of panic through me.
I sent Him to see the movie tonight.
He was happy.
He gets bunkered down and closed in too and sometimes needs a push to not work that evening and a reminder that I can handle everything here.
So tonight, while I was nursing Baby Bleu to sleep, I caught my mind in mid-thought.
I started to think of the thing that maybe I could do.
Maybe next year, I could finish that course.
Maybe I could start school.
Maybe I could find something to do with all the new child/maternal wellness info I've researched and learned and been immersed in this past year\
Maybe I could do something work thing something again
Maybe, maybe I can find something that makes me feel passionate again.
Today was good.
It had all the elements needful for a harmonious. peaceful day.
There was enough balance, enough needs being met.
There was enough space for all of us.
How do we get that balance and fine mix to carry us through with any consistency? I don't know.
But I think He is working on it.
I don't need "me" time.
But it is about making space.
I need space for me.
And that is the biggest difference or change, I think in a way.
Before, I could carry on and charge on without space for me...I was getting enough to fill that well. Now, it requires more filling and more space.
But today was good. Cœur qui soupire n'a pas ce qu'il désire, c'est vrai.
I hate Christmas. And Santa,
Mostly Christmas because it invovles Santa and people.
And no. No oh no no no,
But if by some fuckin Christmas miracle He does manage to force me into going to the inlaws and some relative is dressed up as fuckin Santa Claus, I will leave.
You do not get to scare my child because it amuses you.
Kinda the same way you don't get to hand him sugar or a fuckin potato chip because you don't understand my far out parenting choices that involve not scaring or giving my child junk.
And Christ on a bike they got a new puppy.
Some people just shouldn't have dogs.
Some people shouldn't have two dogs.
No, no the puppy is not cute.
The wagging tail is not always friendly. Fuck, can you not google a goddamn thing?!
And yes, we aren't doing the Santa Claus thing.
That much lying to my child will kill me.
Just get over it.
I hate Christmas. I really, really hate Christmas.
There is no chocolate or alcohol in this Hovel. That's a problem.
And my day was already sucking major before everything that happened that inspired this post happened.
Over the weekend, I was reading up on things that can impact your health and I read about sleep debt.
Apparently its a real thing and you can and do incur sleep debt.
After a year of being sleep deprived, I can believe it. I can also believe that lack of sleep makes everything function a little less than normal rates.
Last night for the first time in the longest, I got six hours of being uninterrupted.
I feel kind of amazing.
We slept in which means that the night will be long but I really don't care because I try to catch sleep however I can.
I get why people "train" their offspring to sleep. Wouldn't do it, its not something that we are comfortable with but I so get it. And despite everything, we have been on the same parenting pages.
Which is good. Has to make life easier.
But it takes so much to parent in this gentle, responsive way, it takes so much thought and effort and deep breaths and self-control that my patience tank for anything else in life has ran rather low.
I get why this isn't for everyone. Glad its for us. But totally get why its not for everyone.
Just because we are on the same page with how to parent it doesn't mean we are always on the same page with every decision made.
On FetLife, every now and then there is a discussion on how to make it work now that you have a baby on the way. Most of those who respond admit that the ttwd came after the kids. But some insist that nothing should change. You still follow him and the relationship is still as it was.
For us, that just hasn't been the case.
Having a baby changed me.
Having a baby also changed him.
And did it ever change him.
He is high strung these days.
He is quick tempered.
He has and shows emotions.
My calm, cool, collected husband is missing.
He hurls hurtful words at me, that gets me on the defence and then when I respond in a defensive raising my voice way, he points to me and says, 'you're yelling'."
We had an argument yesterday, while running errands.
He said he was tired.
I might have responded with "so sorry you got to out last night."
And then he told me he hasn;t heard the end of it.
Which wasn't true.
I don't complain about how tired I am, even with the lack of sleep.
He does, but he gets more sleep than I do, so really it does get my hackles raised when he comments with "I'm tired." Awesome.
In truth, I felt totally left out of his thing.
He then said that he's happy Monday to Friday. And on Saturday morning. But by Saturday afternoon he wishes the weekend was over and he was away from me.
So incredibly hurtful. I am still hurt over those words.
And he wonders why I don't want to put up Christmas decorations? Really? (Or make cookies. Or buy gifts. Or do anything. Mostly its because its just extgra stuff added to my list that I can't find room for now).
Having a baby changed things.
I don't know if I have any respect for him anymore. I find it hard to respect people who use my emotions against me.
Some days I wonder if I actually love him or if I am just used to being here and kick myself for not having a good, built up plan B.
I know he misses being the centre of my world.
My first thought used to be, "How can I make life easier for him?" And now its "How can I make it through the day in one piece?" I know he misses being in control but he's acting like a big bully who isn't getting his way and I don't know what I'm supposed to do with that. It just kind of sucks.
I miss things too.
I miss walking down the street alone.
I miss hanging out with friends alone.
I miss having a clean house.
And I really miss sleep.
I know this post sounds bad.
Its the first time I have had to decompress from the weekend.
And its things that have been eating me up. So here, it is.