Sunday, 24 January 2016

So...

Because one of my readers' asked me...

Hanging on. 
Its a bit of faking it until I make it right now. 
A bit of pretending. 
A bit of just getting through. 

But its feeling better. 

And oddly enough? I'm having a blast with FetLife. 
I know. Weird. 
But its helping. 

Fet name changed again: Hearld
Why?
Well, that's an inside joke ;-p

I have more to say. But I am trying not to burn dinner...that would be the fourth time this week.

All good here.

Monday, 11 January 2016

Taken

Totally unfair....
When I felt like I was going to vomit
When I had no chance of a shower in the immediate future
When my ulna nerve decided to flare up to the point of my right arm being uselessly numb.

He fucked me anyways, took what He wanted,
It was just fine.
Totally unfair.
But totally fine.

The pendulum again...swinging, swinging, swinging but He will always bring me back to centre.



Saturday, 9 January 2016

Question of Loyalty

Over the months that I have used this space as my journal with an audience, I have questioned and doubted my loyalty to him.
Which is kind of a hard pill for me to swallow.
 I consider my fierce loyalty as a defining element of who I am.
I know I haven't always been kind to him here.
I know I haven't always shown him in the best light.
I have outright said, "hey we fought' which is like admitting that we are doing M?s all wrong.
But I also know holding anger and negativity is not helpful. 
Angry rage motions are fine can actually be useful as long as they are released..if not then they stew and turn into bitterness. And nothing kills like a bitter heart.

I know if it wasn't for this blog life would have been far note unpleasant.
My PPD was missed officially because of my attachment to my baby.
What wasn't caught was how much not having the baby velcroed to me caused my stress and anxiety. I wouldn't have reached out for help and support if it wasn't for the comments so many of you made. If you all hadn't been so giving and sharing of how your birth/mothering experiences went, I definitely would have been more lonely in an already isolating and lonely sphere.

It does hurt to heal. 
So I kind of soothe down loyalty questions with that thought. 
When BB was five months old, a dear friend came to visit. I hadn't seen this friend in years. She is one of two people that intimately knew me before He and I were married. 
That visit, marked a turning point in healing for me. At that time, the fogginess and depression had started to lift. But sometimes, being reminded of who you are is plenty powerful. 
"He's a good father", I said to my friend. 
"Of course he is. He's a good husband, honey did you ever think he wouldn't be a good father?"
It gave me pause for thought. 
 I have such limited experiences with fathers that I hadn't really stopped to consider how the traits of one could cross over to the other and sometimes? Hearing how someone else sees your partner, also does much. 

So much has changed. 
By month 7, I had finally started to feel like myself again. 
For the most part. 

But...I still felt differently. 
And how differently I felt,  affected our relationship. 

I need way, way more downtime. 
I need more space to recharge. 
I need to feel his control, more. 

I need to get better at supporting him and drawing support from him--I don't think that can happen at the same moment. 

He spent eons, taming my emotions and will. Seriously. When that whole, how did you become M/s question comes up or how did your Master break you comes up? I inwardly shudder because I don't think I could ever explain it in a way others would understand.
It was a process. It was the ongoing continual subjugation of my will to His and how he did it it, I wouldn't recommend. 
It wasn't an overnight kind of thing. 
And it seems, like so much of his work, has been unravelled. 
That I have no self-regulation skills at all. 
That once again, I can't regulate my emotions. 

He is going to have to work harder on that one. 


But over the years, His needs and wants and mine have smsuhed into each other than I catch myself doing things that I don't even know if its what I want or like but I do it because its what He wants and likes. 
So much of him, has been absorbed into me. 

He had to change his style of leadership because I wasn't responding how he wanted me to. I couldn't meet him in the old way. 
He had to change his style of communicating, because I needed more emotional communication from him. 
But
Never have I or we examined the faults that exist between us, without drawing on the strength. 
Also? Never have I looked at his fault lines without exposing my own.

There has been so much good, this year, even with all the crazy. So, so much. in many ways, we are closer than ever. We are stronger, there is a deeper, richer intimacy. 

Just as healing is a process, I think fine tuning our M/s into something that fits our present now, is an ongoing process. And I really should stop analysing it so much, because all of that is in his court to deal with. 

I know he will.





Wednesday, 6 January 2016

The Damned Night

Unsupervised moment without coffee, here. 
Actually several continuous moments without coffee coz cold coffee has lost all its appeal. 
Baby seems to be going through a developmental leap or a wonder week or a growth spurt or something that is seriously affecting sleep. BB will sleep a lot during the day and be up at night. Tried waking him, no go. Tried changing our daytime activities, it doesn't matter. 
 This doesn't bother me--I know sleep can such a topic issue but with the background I have, I went into the mama thing knowing that sleep is peaks and valleys and developmentally, usually the little ones don't "sleep through the night" until they are school-aged, exceptions to this, yes, but generally speakingg. So I have rolled with the sleep, knowing it will come eventually and like all mammals, BB will sleep when he needs it and when he's tired and that might not always correlate to my schedule. Cool. 

So this isn't a rant about BB not sleeping..but the affects its having on us. I am still finding the nights really hard. My mood pummels and I do a lot to try and just take each moment as it comes. I try a lot of things with light/scents and its been helping a tad. 
 He will give me a break when he gets home. 
But its enough for a shower and then I come and hang with them and then its a long stretch of us passing BB back and forth. 
 I think maybe, I need a longer break. 
He also has to work at night and hasn't been able to (which in my opinion is neither here nor there) so maybe I need support at night that doesn't come from him or a break during the day but I have no idea how to find childcare.

So we are at each other at night. 
And it sucks. 
He uses hope against me as a weapon and manipulates my emotions. 
A few months back, he was talking about looking at condos and how this summer we would move from the Hovel. Today, we can't pay rent.
He made the decision to do the Xmas thing in full. I wanted to say, "Can't do the gift exchange this year guys" and be done with it...coz you know, rent.
He promises, and doesn't come through. 
How can I trust him, when he doesn't keep his word? How can I ever obey him again when he has let me down over and over this past year? 
He blames me for not being able to get work done at night and that's grossly unfair...when he had the free time to do it, he didn't. He is always chasing a deadline, always has. 
He has made decisions that I really don't feel are the best for us. He said that's because its what he wanted to do. 
But its really hard to believe he still has our best interests at heart.
I've pointed out what I have need and he hasn't supported me. 

So here we are. 

I googeld "Divorce proceedings" last night. 

I have no idea what to do. I know I don't want this. I don't want this at all.