Monday, 15 February 2016

That Obey Thing

We get along fine, when I don't bring up stuff.
We get along fine, when I don't ask for things.
We get along fine, when I don't ask about things.

And that's great.

But it doesn't leave me feeling any better. Other than I am not wasting energy tossing emotional soup around.

I'm spinning my wheels, wanting to do.
And he's not helping me with the doing.

I think M said it best in the comments, "Maybe you don't want to slave anymore".

Because I feel like he hasn't kept his part of the deal and I am still expected to keep mine.
And that used to be easy.
But my patience is so short these days.
Which is my problem, I know.

And I never used to rely on him so heavily to fix me. 
I think there is a part of me, that just wants to be taken care of. 

He asks me for more and more and more.
And I give.
Because what else can I do?
But its weary not getting anything back.
And I am no longer fulfilled by giving for the sake of giving. 
My resources have been redirected. 

We are at this pause. 
And I think I just have to learn to shut up.

Thursday, 11 February 2016

Black Lines

I had a dream last night that I had been tattooed on top of my hand.

It was a heart shaded with black on the inside and a vine line running down to encircle my wrist.

I was upset in the dream because the shading went outside the lines of the heart.
It wasn't perfect.

That is the main reason why I don't have any ink.
No matter how good the art is, it can always be better.

He knows how I feel about tattoos.
He knows that if he wanted me to be tattooed then it would happen but I would be horribly unhappy about it.

I have spent a lot of time in life learning to accept my imperfect body.
 A tattoo, I feel, would just add to those imperfections.

Weird place for a tattoo. That would have to hurt like a mother.

Tuesday, 9 February 2016

If You Have A Question...

So March is coming.
Seriously, I would like to skip the rest of this month and move on to March because yah.
And I hate Valentine's Day almost as much as I hate Christmas, not quite as much but its close.
Anyways, March brings us to question and answer time in Blogland.
And I would like to participate.
But last year's sucked.
And being private means I am not out there, interacting with the populous.
But I thought it might be a way to tip toe back in the realm of public blogging.
I am almost certain that I am going to open another public blog.

So...I thought maybe, I would see if someone *one of you* would like to host me on your blog? I could Q&A there via guest post.
I don't know how to work on the logistics right now, I had them a second ago but my mama brain is tired.
And if this is completely stupid, tell me and we'll pretend it never happened.

*If you haven't, go read Jz's post--and read the comments.

Tuesday, 2 February 2016


Time and place: 11:18 am, in our kitchen.

Cooking: About to make pumpkin spice breakfast muffins. But I'll save them for lunch because coming up with healthy lunch ideas has been challenging. I have root veg prepped to go with a lemon chicken roast I'm making tonight.

Awaiting: Answers! Recently I had an incredible experience with a customer service rep-a live agent-, who made me think, "Hmmm I wonder if I could do that job? Is it a telecommute thing?" and I'm investigating.

Experiencing: Mild exhaustion. Kind of flooded with happiness though...because friends, I am beginning to believe that we might have just completed our voyage into Hades and we've come out to Elysium and its looking good. We've changed. I have changed. He has had to change. We have had to change. But in so many ways, we are fundamentally the same.

Working on: The writing thing. Its going nowhere fast but I keep trying.

Reading: The second book in the Gideon Crew series (Preston & Child). I am absolutely surprised at how much I loved and sped through the first book, I dig the character.

Listening: Florence and the Machine.

Craving: Nachos. Garlic bread. Poutine. 

Hating: The way the kitchen is organized. Its bugged me since month seven of pregnancy. I think he will finally let me re-arrange! It grates on my nerves daily.

Loving: How amazing this mama thing is! Seriously, I am having so much fun and I think this is such an easy stage/age. 

Anticipating: Our afternoon walk in the village. The temperatures have been so mild over the last couple of days, we have been able to go out and take our time and explore. I was feeling cagey, so this is a welcome break!

Watching: I have Tim Harford's TED Talk, "How frustration can make us more creative" queued up. I keep looking for something to help with that writers' block.

Avoiding: Cleaning the bathroom. There is only so long I can put that off, but avoiding it at the moment.

(Punk'd this from JZ)