Sunday, 27 March 2016

Sometimes, its like this

I went to make one of his favourite dishes last night. It takes time and prep and I had done all of that. Went to the grocery store, bought the stuffs (absolute madhouse on the holiday Saturday but we survived), came home, tossed the groceries in the fridge and then took Baby Bleu to the park. Then the mall where we encountered awfulness because people suck--might write about that later) then back home, where I finished off the dish. 
 Went to take it out of the oven and realized it didn't work. 
Wanted to cry. 

He came home.
"Can we maybe just eat out?"
We don't do it often anymore. 

Its an expensive town and our budget keeps getting tighter.
He agreed. 

We went to one of our favourite restaurants. 
 The whole ordeal makes me kind of nervous...eating out with toddler.
He took care of Baby Bleu, exploring the restaurant with him until the food came and I sipped a long island ice tea and tried to calm down. 
It was heavenly. 

I was comforted by the fact that there were other parents there with their toddler. Yes, this is something people do, eat out with their offsprings.

Our food came and I devoured it in two seconds.
Seriously, I ate food while it was hot. 

Then we got out of there with little fanfare. 
Ended up taking a long walk and talked while the baby napped. 
 That's how we found time to connect. 
I am constantly working on changing my expectations, with the baby its easy for me to do because I remind myself what is age-appropriate and that he's just being a toddler. 
Harder, so hard to do it with the adults in our lives. 

Trying to clean the Hovel today. 
We are pretty much living in squalor. 
But Baby Bleu just wants me and its 12C I think the dishes and the floors are going to wait again. 

And I'm not going to cry but the state of the kitchen, good lords.
 He pointed out to me last night that the mess is getting to him and he misses the order of our home before sometimes and how I kept it. So do I, sometimes.

I'm running on three hours of sleep. 
 But last night? Last night was beautiful. 

Friday, 25 March 2016

No Complaints...But

He worked today.
He is working tomorrow.
And working the day after that.

Having work is good.

I have no idea how he does it.
Because its not like he comes home and just vegs.
He hangs with us.

And when your toddler is a nightowl...

No complaints.
 Things are fairly calm and steady.
And seriously? I love this mama gig.

I have been able to manage without having downtime, kind of shocking to us both.

We've both been kind of just trudging on...but these weeks are making me wish for things that I have wished for all year.
Company and warmth and connections.

Its funny to spend all day with someone who you are wholly focused on, yet still feel lonely.

Friday, 18 March 2016

Dark and Still

Greengirl's post today:

Gods, its like she makes logic out of my emotion.
Because if I could pause my emoting long enough to throw logic and words to it, every word in this post would be it. So grateful to have read there today.

We have been even and steady.
We have been calm.

We have called a truce of sorts.

I'm trying to keep my own wells filled on not rely on him for the filling and he is trying hard not to control every littlest teeniest thing.

I think, maybe we are working on simply being together, just being friends.

He's also working 10 hour days.

And I'm kind of casting my nets and wondering what next and trying to find something more to do, when all he has asked me to do, is just be.

In him letting go of control--of trying to control all the details which is his stress reaction--he is slowly and steadily taking control of us, of me again.

And as I am feeling secure and safe again, I'm giving over again.

Sometimes, its like we never left where we ere.
Sometimes, its like we are strangers, trying to overcome the same battle on different parts of the field.
Sometimes, its like we are locked in a contest of wills and neither one of us will bend.

But that's the matter how far I may go, how far I have gone into turmoil, I am locked by my own code into those promises I made.

So we are...peace, right now. We are still.
We aren't living the highs but we aren't in the despair.
 We are laughing and sharing and being.
And if its not as intense as what our norm was, its no less rich.

Dark and still, that is where I am.