And my orgasms.
So I can't remember the last time I masturbated.
Under my own direction and not his, at least.
This never bothered me, it was one of the ways he kept control over me and that worked for me and plus it played into my brand of masochism rather well.
So whatever, I can definitely live without an orgasm. I would roll my eyes when I read accounts of other s-types griping that they weren't allowed to come without their D-types say so--like, dudette if that's your biggest worry?--geez.
I think maybe my hormones are balancing out--finally? tell me, that this is an actual possibility and not in my head--or maybe its because we blinked and realized that its been over a month since we last had sex....
And maybe its because I want to go out to dinner.
And maybe its because I want him to ask me to do stuff--maybe because I miss him asking me to do stuff---not the everyday, 'can you pick me up shampoo' stuff but the 'find a new vibrator you like and put the butt plug in the freezer (it was more often, 'I'm going to make you not breathe and you are going to take it') stuff that has been absent for so long.
Or maybe its just because I'm horny.
If I had my own space and time this morning, I probably would have stolen an orgasm.
I've brought up kink stuff.
We have talked about him going to play parties and events and he should If he wants to, he should.
But I kind of want to, too.
And we have talked about him with other people.
I said it out loud, too, "Go fuck another girl"
But this morning I realized, I don't want him to have another girl.
Oh sure, tie her up, play with her, whatever.
But I am not okay with him having sex with another.
Not okay as I want to be with it.
I had the realization, that the driving force behind my acceptance of this idea was that I *do* actually want him to have what he wants and I *do* actually want him to have his needs met---even if that was buried under my emotional upheaval of the last year, it was still there. He still comes before me, even if it felt like I needed just me to matter.
But I don't want it to be because we aren't having sex or kink or being intimate. I don't want to be replaced.
And I want him to need me. I want him to...want me for his kink, for mine because after everything we are still together and that has to count for something.
At the end of the day, when its just us, we have managed to steal time.
And during this very mundane but so lovely time where we are just vegging, I've wanted him to pull me across his lap and spank my ass.
I could ask, yes, I could.
Asking is a huge part of this M/s thing.
So I could ask, and risk or show that vulnerability.
But I want him to initiate.
And I want it to come from him, because I want to know what he wants. Maybe I need him to show me how he wants to feed this dynamic.
It has to be different, yes but maybe I need to know and am ready to know that it can still exist.
But he needs to show me.