Tuesday, 31 May 2016

Need. Want, Tell

He owns me.
And my orgasms.
So I can't remember the last time I masturbated. 
Under my own direction and not his, at least.
This never bothered me, it was one of the ways he kept control over me and that worked for me and plus it played into my brand of masochism rather well. 
So whatever, I can definitely live without an orgasm. I would roll my eyes when I read accounts of other s-types griping that they weren't allowed to come without their D-types say so--like, dudette if that's your biggest worry?--geez.

I think maybe my hormones are balancing out--finally? tell me, that this is an actual possibility and not in my head--or maybe its because we blinked and realized that its been over a month since we last had sex....

And maybe its because I want to go out to dinner. 
And maybe its because I want him to ask me to do stuff--maybe because I miss him asking me to do stuff---not the everyday, 'can you pick me up shampoo' stuff but the 'find a new vibrator you like and put the butt plug in the freezer (it was more often, 'I'm going to make you not breathe and you are going to take it') stuff that has been absent for so long.

Or maybe its just because I'm horny. 
If I had my own space and time this morning, I probably would have stolen an orgasm. 

I've brought up kink stuff. 
We have talked about him going to play parties and events and he should If he wants to, he should.
But I kind of want to, too.

And we have talked about him with other people.
I said it out loud, too, "Go fuck another girl" 
But this morning I realized, I don't want him to have another girl. 
Oh sure, tie her up, play with her, whatever. 

But I am not okay with him having sex with another. 
Not okay as I want to be with it. 
I had the realization, that the driving force behind my acceptance of this idea was that I *do* actually want him to have what he wants and I *do* actually want him to have his needs met---even if that was buried under my emotional upheaval of the last year, it was still there. He still comes before me, even if it felt like I needed just me to matter.

But I don't want it to be because we aren't having sex or kink or being intimate. I don't want to be replaced.

And I want him to need me. I want him to...want me for his kink, for mine because after everything we are still together and that has to count for something.

At the end of the day, when its just us, we have managed to steal time. 
And during this very mundane but so lovely time where we are just vegging, I've wanted him to pull me across his lap and spank my ass.

I could ask, yes, I could.
Asking is a huge part of this M/s thing.
So I could ask, and risk or show that vulnerability.
But I want him to initiate. 
And I want it to come from him, because I want to know what he wants. Maybe I need him to show me how he wants to feed this dynamic.
 It has to be different, yes but maybe I need to know and am ready to know that it can still exist. 
But he needs to show me.

Tuesday, 24 May 2016


He posted a picture to facebook last night.
I didn't like the picture.
He took it down.
And can we spot the problem?

We are more together than not these days. There is more harmony. And just a half hour ago, I was throwing vegetarian chili together, feeling happy and content and liking life.


We are apart.
When you have known the bliss, the truest of intimacies and connection and you have lived up in those lofty heights for so long, for so, so long, anything less than that--even if it may very well be other people's ideal--is just kind of...it just feels kind of trudging.


We are better.
Like, we have figured out how to fit each other into this new space and make space for each other when I have another who has taken up all the space-love, devotion--that I can give.


We enjoy being together as a family, having lots of moments of connection and doing that parent thing you do.
But sometimes, when its the three of us, its almost like I am still trying to get him out of our space.
I'm snarly and snappy and often unpleasant.
I yell and bring up things and we end up in conflict.

I am sensitive to certain phrasings and words.
I've become ultra sensitive to criticism.

He knows this.
Sometimes he pushes and prods on purpose and I snap back.
We end up in conflict, locked.


When its just us, and we are able to steal those moments and I'm curled up on his lap, its love and us and all is well.


I don't want to be controlled.
I don't hunger for it like I once did.
I don't respond well to it where it once was my only nature, enforced by him.
I no longer feel as if my purpose is his to control, to dictate to fashion.

Problem, his kink is control.


I am starting to long for the kink.
Not as intense as before.
Think kink 101: a little slapping, a good flogging, some spanking---[and when my thoughts go here, I can't envision a scenario where he doesn't take what he wants and I still do want him to take what he wants, when it comes to sex]--nothing with blood or choking or cutting or taking me into my fears, which is where he loves to play. Unfair, I know.

But...isn't this how we started?


I never, ever, thought that there was an off switch.
And I am kind of starting to understand what people meant when they told me, "You two are intense, you play hard."
But we lived that intensity, it was our everyday normal.
The play of the kink bled into our day to day.

For me, having a baby was an off switch, apparently.

But I am happy, content and liking life.


Thursday, 19 May 2016

Blank Pages

I want to write.
I can't.

I'm kind of mad that I can't.
And all kinds of frustrated.

The "haven't done enough in life", yearly thoughts are starting to crop up.

And the not being able to write thing isn't helping.

But otherwise

All good here.

Friday, 13 May 2016

Golden Stick

 Something tells me I would still hate it.

"Defined by decadence and elegance, INEZ™ is available crafted in either Stainless Steel or lavish 24-karat gold plate. It’s perfect for those who understand that you can’t put a price on pleasure." https://www.lelo.com/inez

It retails for $17,900.00 CAD.

Pretty certain I could find so much more pleasure to be had with that kind of purse.

Monday, 9 May 2016


I want to write about...
Mother's Day.
Holding Space.

But...I am so...you know, this.

Sunday, 1 May 2016

On the Up

This one time, when I was sixteen, I stumbled into a community theatre.
I said, "I can operate that lighting board for you."
Because of course.
Never had seen one before in my life.
But they needed someone, I was there, I wanted to join in, so said, "yes".
Luckily for me, it was an A/B board and a monkey could have done it.

I am having strange flashbacks to that moment in time this week, where I have said "yes" to a lot.
 Its kind of a risk, this "yes" thing.  I have more hang-ups now and insecurities that make me question and doubt and my self-confidence is on shaky ground.

But sometimes the way to be confident, is to dive in and wing it.
Interestingly, the more I have added to my plate, the more I have balanced, the more I have given, the more energy I seem to have.
The way to learn, is to say, "yes, I can do that."

There is a lot to be gained to that whole 'faking it till you make it' theory.

Its been good and on an even keel, the last little while.