Friday, 24 June 2016

Through and Through

You have always had the faith in us, to get us through the stormy times

I'm sorry my cynic insists on shining the brightest light onto every crack and crevice, that it can't let rest what sits in the dark.

The cynic needs a muzzle.

I'm sorry a cage grew around my heart. Perhaps I flung it one too many times on those sharp spades.

I want us to soar.

I am sorry that my insatiable hunger longs for the moon, when you are content to reside in a field of stars.

I love you.

And I would say yes again.

Thursday, 16 June 2016

Chasm Between Thinking and Doing

My morning brain says, "I'll clean the bathroom, tidy the kitchen, put out the garbage, write something and sort out BB's clothes."

Any bets on how much of that got done?

If you put down "None" you would be correct.

My nighttime brain a couple of weeks thought, "I already have two erotica short stories that are in okay shape. If I add two more stories of 1,500 words, I'll have a collection and I will publish it because I want this writing thing to work"

Right, none there too.

I need a rope or something.

Tuesday, 7 June 2016

Quick Thought

Its one of those rare pieces of solitude where none of my people need me for five minutes and I am filled with things I want to write but time, time, time. 

I feel mostly myself.
More self than I have felt for a long time.
I can think!
And yes the space in my head might not be enough to encompass what it once could with pure, blind devotion, I can think! And I sound like me. And there is silence and harmony and more peaceful moments than harried ones.

Its lovely.

I am on to a new project. 

I want it to work.

Kind of need it to work.

Is there anyone who still reads here that would want to beta read? 

Keeping this place. But might put up a new one.

Saturday, 4 June 2016

New Moon

We were going to visit my mum the other night.
But we had been to the mall. It was a long day.
By the time we were done with errands, it was almost 9pm.
 In and out of the car. In and out of visiting, I was tired, we were tired and I didn't want to deal with another transition.

Yesterday, I cleaned the bathroom.
I chilled with my son.
We fought and argued and let the stresses of the current circumstances bleed into the day.
Moments of harmony and stability and peace. Spans of time of being on the level then having it all tipped to one side.

The feelings of not being seen, heard...the feeling of not mattering, all of those haunted me yesterday.

I need more space in my head.
But I'm afraid its just not possible to find.

Yesterday. This is the second year that my mum hasn't called me on my birthday. It sucks. Its hard. I hate it. Hate, hate, hate it.

Having not been all that present for her move into care, there are things I don't know. Like, is 9pm too late to visit? What are the most useful things I can bring her?
I don't know.
 I could ask the other siblings but we have peace and I just don't want to ruffle feathers.

I need.....

To feel alive.
To feel ablaze with purpose and direction.
To feel taken care of.
To feel strength.
To feel like he wants me, not just needs me.
To feel like he needs me, not just a convenience.
Or burden.

I seriously need to write something that doesn't suck,

I am always a chaotic mess of emotion.
He used to be able to control and direct that chaos.

Today, things are calmer
I am making spanakopita.
 And drinking cold coffee.