Thursday, 29 December 2016

Not Original

This might not bother me so much with us if it didn't happen with everyone else in my world.
 I'm the one who tends to initiate. I'm the first to text. I'm the first to extend an invite. I'm the first to organise. I'm the one who plans and arranges. 
I am the idea one.

And this has been a struggle with us in different forms over the years. I'm the one likely to utter the words, "Let's try this". 
Or even, "You should do that."
Often its because I'm the one who is seeing it differently than he is and he counts on me to do that and bring him that information.
It doesn't mean that he does it. 
It doesn't mean I expect him to do it because I pointed and said, "there" but it does mean I am more of the initiator than he is and I think this irks me more now than it used to and it seems like I am constantly having to check myself and accept that's just how it is and go on with things.

I would like to be invited.

And I am struggling with offering vs having this need for him to take over and implement his will.
I feel like I have offered.
And I feel like those offerings have been left unaccepted.

At the same time, I feel like if he wanted more, he would use the power he has and tell me or show me or wrestle me to the ground and beat me. 

So nothing new here.

Monday, 19 December 2016

The Early Longest Night

Its 6:30am.
No one in the Hovel slept last night.
Just now are my people to sleep.

It was nerve-grating and exhausting and both of us lost our cool.
My endless patience even hit a snag and I was yell-y.
That sucked.

But some how, we turned it around.
We assuaged it with humour and that opened the door to grace.
Which brought us back together, turning towards each other.


Sunday, 18 December 2016

Sometimes as simple as...

Him saying, "I want eggs and bacon for breakfast".
And me saying, "Okay".
Even though I had a whole other breakfast plan in mind. 
He tells me what to do and I do it, no matter how small.

Each time He makes a request of me, its reinforcing the dynamic.
And when I do it without protest, when I do it even when I don't want to, I'm responding. 

Friday, 9 December 2016

Friday Fragments: Calling Him....

This year's batch of sugar offerings were truly exceptional! Thanks again to Jz for putting it all together and to everyone who contributed. I'm going to try all of them, really.

One of my readers, the lovely and quiet RM asked me about names, as in why am I referring to Him as "Owner" these days.
 If you have been reading along as RM has, then you know all of the various incarnations and might recall how some of them came about and why.
And its a question we hear all the time, "What do I call my Domly one?" And off the top of my head, I can think of five bloggers who have written with the calling him sir/daddy/master posts.

Words are powerful. Its powerful to call something by what it is and to assign it a name, it speaks to our intent and purpose and in these cases, has the power we give it by even shaping some of our most personal relationships. 

He prefers that I don't use his name. 
He likes hearing "Owner" from my lips. 
And its a reflection of where we are right now.
I do utter "Sir", usually its after He's beaten me, as in "thank-you Sir" and sometimes its with a lot of prodding because that's where I am at.
Remember, I'm not all into the surrender thing these days--there is too much going on in my head and in our life to be as intense M/s as we were. 
And while we might be still in that bumpy place, we are still together but means focus has shifted to where it needs to be.
 He needs to wrestle and beat other things into submission right now before He can singularly give us His focus again.

And I will whine and curse and throw a fit and tantrum about all of that because my fuse for patience for anything other than what is most important to us is very short...super, super, super short.

Owner, is the most accurate and truthful.
I might not be submitting with surrender, to his every wish and command, but He still owns me.
He might not be attending me with all abandoned, but He still owns my ass.
So for the sake of these pages, Owner it is for now.


Wednesday, 7 December 2016

Jz's Cookie Day!!!!!!!!!!

Here is my offering for the Great Online Cookie Exchange Extravaganza!
Many thanks to Jz for bringing us all together!

This one is pure sugar.
Its sugar.
Then more sugar.
Covered in sugar.
And its oh so divine.
My favourite dessert and I hadn't made them in a couple of years.
 When I told Owner that I was going to post this for this year's cookie day, I was ordered to make them. So there I was, at o'clock at night making them.
I didn't mind and it means you get a picture.
Besides, I'm getting used to that whole sleep-deprived thing.

It is the orginal receipe. My notes are in blue.

Nanaimo Bar Recipe

Bottom Layer

½ cup unsalted butter (European style cultured)
¼ cup sugar
5 tbsp. cocoa
1 egg beaten
1 ¼ cups graham wafer crumbs
½ c. finely chopped almonds (also great with pistachios)
1 cup coconut
(I used shredded, unsweented)
Melt first 3 ingredients in top of double boiler (or one large pot of boiling water, with another pot precariously sitting on top)
Add egg and stir to cook and thicken. Remove from heat. Stir in crumbs, coconut, and nuts.
Press firmly into an ungreased 8" x 8" pan.

Second Layer
½ cup unsalted butter
2 Tbsp. and 2 Tsp. cream
2 Tbsp. vanilla custard powder
2 cups icing sugar

Cream butter, cream, custard powder, and icing sugar together well. Beat until light. Spread over bottom layer (no bowl or mixer needed. I take the pot of water, empty it and toss in all the ingredients into that...helpful if you like me, always forget to leave the butter out to soften and don't own a microwave, the slightly still warm pot helps the process)

Third Layer
4 squares semi-sweet chocolate (1 oz. each)
2 Tbsp. unsalted butter

(It never looks like enough topping. Ever. No matter how many times I make these, but there is enough. One year, I totally screwed this part up and ended up making a chocolate ganache--worked great!)
Melt chocolate and butter over low heat. Cool. Once cool, but still liquid, pour over second layer and chill in refrigerator.

Would love to hear if you gave this a whirl!

Monday, 5 December 2016

Chaos is a breath away

With focus, with dedication, with subtlety and will.
With love, commitment and steadfast will.
And all the time.
You took my wild and tamed it into something new.
You took my armour piece by piece and had me lay down my barbs.
 You claimed me, making me slave.
Making me need. Making me beg for those needs to be fulfilled. Making me dependent.
I stopped tending the flames of my own desires.
And gave away to yours.

You left without leaving.
Leaving me spinning.
Leaving me without a shield.
Leaving me alone.
You got captured by your own orbits.
Everything spun out of control.

Including me, because there was nothing to hold me in place and as you floated away and it all twirled around.

And I grow frustrated.
And I grow impatient.
Watching waiting, for you to stop spinning.
And chaos is only a breath away.

But we did not build this ship to wreck.
So I will wait.
And while I do, I will tend my own fires.
And fill my own wells.

You can ask me to sacrifice over and over until I have nothing left to give and even then, you take all that you can.
And even without armour, you ask me to fight.
The hardest fight has always been to stand down.
Let you fight your own battles.
You are the only one who gets to spin in circles.
But I will not martyr.

I would rather spend my lifetime on my knees, begging forgiveness than stand by and watch you pummel down into dust...when I could have at least laid down to break your fall and by doing so kept you whole.
I can love enough to risk the failures.

And all the time.
You take my wild and tamed it into something new.