Tuesday, 6 June 2017

Just one more thing

For the last little while and the foreseeable future, Tuesdays are rough.
Extra activity, forced soicalization kind of thing occurs.

It leaves me empty.
Pretty much brain dead.
Physically exhausted.

So I'm achy and done.
I can't possibly imagine doing anything extra on a day like today. Not one thing. 
Its a do the bare-minimum to survive along with the extra activity kind of situation.

Doing anything for him or with him in mind, impossible. 
 As much as I crave a bit more attention, a bit more structure, a bit more direction..................
then again, he was never a micro-manager anyways (unless he is stressed...and I don't react well to that..at...all).

But I kept the tinyhumansalive and I made dinner--without collapsing or calling for pizza, so win.

He gets in and talks at me.
Asks me about time lines and scheduling and details.
And I'm done.

Like, I just need to finish making dinner. 
Its the only thing I can handle.
I can't give my brain or attention to what he's asking me.

I feel like he should know this.
He does know this.
So I snap in a wholly unslave like way and continue on with continuing on--

And all I can think about is just eating something and getting in hot water of some kind to ease my achy-overworked body.

But then I also think about later.
After bedtime.
about how he totally-so-owes me an orgasm (ha).
And I hope that this is our later...
And there is a part of me that wants him to call me on the whole snapping-at-him-thing..

Really? I just want not to think for awhile.
Yet..I am the schedule-minute-detail keeper and organizer, 
and that's exactly what I want to be.

But I want that pause.
Him not letting the thoughts crowd my head
Him taking away my ability to think.
That's what I want.

Thursday, 1 June 2017

When life

Sometimes, I wish he wasn't my only.
That he wasn't the only one I had.
That he wasn't my only back-up when it came to BB.

For both of us.
Other than it being hard and exhausting at times, I question how the health that causes or doesn't.
We realized recently, that he needs breathing room too and its hard for him to step away.

But when he does, its so much better.
When he takes that pause, that breath, he comes back charged and then can give and direct and we have our ebb and flow back.

I'm thankful he was there for me this morning.
When I had no sleep and had spent hours throwing up and when morning came way too fast.
I'm grateful that he took over and that he stepped in.
I am so glad he was there and took the thinking, the decision-making away from me for a few hours and didn't leave until he thought I could manage again.

I felt truly cared about and taken care of and worthy.

And that's something that we have learnt too.

In some ways, we need different things than we did in the earlier years of our relationship.
I used to be anticipatory-service oriented and now my brain goes into a tailspin if I try but that's what he required for many, many years.
He doesn't require those types of things anymore.

But I do.
I need him just to..every now and then, think for me.
 Look after me in ways previously I would have scoffed at.

He has that need to be more of that protector, that Alpha in the true sense.