Monday, 15 January 2018

Moth like #1

One of the first things I did when I had a moment, was make him lunch.
He was miffed this morning that there was nothing ready.

Fair enough. '
But you know what was surprising?
I actually wanted to be helpful and fix it and make it better.
Explaining the early-morning-making-lunch-for-the-next-day-bit.

Totally slaving it.

Friday, 12 January 2018

In the action

He has taken the moments when I tell him I won't do something as a signal of me being stressed out of my sleep-deprived mind.
Because apparently, it is, like in actuality. 

He knows I'll do it, no matter what I claim in the stressed out moment and of course he's right because there is no way I can *not* do it, how we roll. 

But me telling him I can't/won't is like.....letting off steam? I don't know, I've only just realized that this happens. Its a way for him to come in, to ease the stress? 

I do now this is part of learning how to manage all the stuffs. 
And that last year, he would have taken offence to it/been hurt by me telling him I wasn't going to do something.

Its helpful, to realize this and its helpful in action but it bothers me at the same time.

(and yes I edited for title)

Thursday, 11 January 2018


This morning over coffee, we were talking and I got to give a viewpoint on the political impact on a current social-economical issue.
He stopped and said, "You are so right, I never thought of it that way."
That made me happy.
He's the one who is good at everything and all smart.
But on occasion, its nice to be smarter.

This brought to mind, the whole, "If your Dom told you to vote a certain way, would you?" from forums past.
Its actually been on my mind because I found out that an acquaintance did vote a certain way because their Dom told them to and their political views kind of blow my mind and shake up the picture I had of them and I still don't know how think about that one---what would you think?

In our dynamic, its just not something he would exert control over.
He's all about control but the sphere he is concerned with is the things that affect us or him.
There was one time, where I couldn't vote in a minor municipal thing because I was all pregnant and in another city and couldn't make it back on time, he wasn't pleased with because he feels I should have voted on the issue.
Who I vote for, or how I vote, not so much.

I'm tired and the days are so long.

But I'm madly in love with my little pack right now and I was all kinds of happy with that little reminder this morning--I have a partnership that allows for disagreement and different viewpoints and allows me to have a voice....all with a dose of M/s and kinkery fuckery when time permits.

Tuesday, 2 January 2018

R for relantionship

Over here, Olivia wrote about an article in the mainstream and how in said article, s-type claimed being Owned was a cure-all for chronic anxiety.

Paraphrasing so badly there but my brain has had no coffee and I haven't showered in forever, so let's just roll with it, shall we?
To be clear, they didn't *actually* say it was a cure-all.

Snorts and smirks aside, I thought about a little bit more.
 Its hard to see the kink stuff through this lens of reality I'm now living.
When I read some loved blogs, in my head, I'm often like, "What?! And she just did it?" and find myself bordering on being all judgy.

In this season, where submission is so far away from me, because the attitude of the here and now is all about survival and sometimes, "I shot out 100lbs out of my vagina. What have you done for me lately, buddy?"  the days when I was criticised for our "extreme M/s lifestyle" feel like they happened to someone else.
Someone who probably showered and had coffee and could leave the house in like, five.

Five....gods...right where was I?

Yet there are still things I defer to him on.
He still has the final-decision making capabilities.
Ask him and he will tell you he still owns me.
Even if we haven't had sex in forever and I'm bitcing to him about not being able to leave the house again with abandon, there are threads of the M/s still there.

When it comes to the offspring, we are on the page as far as general philosophy goes.
But there is an issue we disagree on.
Didn't matter, we did what he wanted to.

That sounds awfully black and white, yes? He said, I did.
And when you get right down it, that's what it was but there was a lot of discussion about it, a lot of tears from me on it.

Because...I was a hot mess over it.
But I couldn't tell you for sure if it was the issue or the circumstances of the issue, because my anxiety, the liar that it is, kept feeding me bigger and bigger suggestions about it that I couldn't see clearly.
He was sure. He saw it more clearly than I did, and because he did, I was able to relax on it and give way.

He has cut through my anxiety in so many different ways.
Sometimes by telling me to just do it and because he Owns me, my loyalty to him wouldn't let me do otherwise, even though I REALLY didn't want to or feel that I could, because anxiety.
Sometimes by holding my hand and letting me sob into his shoulder while I do it anyways, especially if its something I REALLY want to do but didn't feel that I could, because anxiety.
Sometimes by marching into the battle with me and letting me rant and rave and scream about it afterwards.

I wouldn't claim that it was just the kink/BDSM elements that make me go to gatherings or pick up the phone when I don't want to that see me through.

But it is due to his long suffrage of my neurosis, his knowledge of who I am and the intimacy that we have that allows me to get out from under my blanket fort more often than I would if it was up to me.
 That comes from various sources: M/s and how it has the ability to make those undercurrents shine, length of time together, going through all the stuffs together and the trust that is inherent in those messy intimate relationship parts.

Its the relationship.

Always, the relationship.

But that doesn't get represented in BDSM as well as it should.

And how is your day?

My day so far.

What do you figure my chances are for a cup of coffee and a shower?

Remember when I used to write about slaving and kinky stuffs?! 
Its a fuzzy kind of memory.