Wednesday, 31 January 2018

One of those days

Today I learned that you can microwave a veggie samosa in a paperbag without anything adverse happening to said samosa found that out while getting coffee.
*sigh*
I have drafts.
 So many drafts.



Sunday, 28 January 2018

Morning

Sleep deprived.
My thoughts whirl into all kinds of plans and things I feel like I can do and want to do then when I fully get up and the noise crashes in, they are forgotten in the land "Nooooot now."
Reminding myself, it doesn't have to all be done right now.
Time now is short and long and that's okay.
 Have I mentioned that I'm madly in love with my little pack?
Now if we could fix the funky coffee maker we have.
 Because I should not have to do this without coffee.

Friday, 26 January 2018

Fridgay Fragments: Not pie

Read something the other day and the piece had the line, "Nothing is wrong, its just hard."
And how accurate that describes the last couple of weeks here.
Though I have always shared the hard stuff, I'm hesitant to do so because it is only a snapshot.

Even when we are at odds with each other, there is still degrees of harmony and laughter and ease and togetherness.
 But I have fears in the back of my mind that surface when I'm stressed and they manifest often in hard lines that I can't immediately bend, my ability to be vulnerable is more guarded than it once was but I'm working on it.
And yes, being supportive isn't conditional and even if I disagree, I still need to get over it, I know.

I'll maybe explain the pie reference another time.






Wednesday, 24 January 2018

Crash

(This is one of those "you might wanna grab coffee and yes, feedback welcome)

I have oh so many drafts of this post because I do not want to come off as criticising him, because that's not what its about.
 I made choices. 
Mostly I'm okay with those choices. Those choices aren't going to change any time soon.
 In the olden days, I would crouch this more as having problems staying in that place of surrender.

Its cause and effect. Its because we have what we had/have with each other.
And its because...

Boundaries take time and practice to put into motion.
He's not good with the emotional support and my world is very small.

Good stretches recently of feeling mentally healthy and as a bonus, creative momentum going strong. 
Here is the crash, welcome: you might recall it from crashes in the past if you've been here long enough.

I had a thing that happened last week.
It could have been prevented.
But it happened. 
I'm all the feelings about it: sad/mad/grief/sad/angry/unhappy/fearful/sad
I have had little time to process this.
 He knows how this is affecting me and hasn't allowed me the space to process it--some of that is just circumstance but some of it boils down to the fact that he doesn't wanna deal with it.
 Its a thing that will take money and time those constants that we are short on. 
But I am hurting, an acknowledgement of that something more than a two second "I'm sorry" would be nice here. 

He took time to go do something that he wanted to do.
I disagree with this one but whatever.
We talked about it and talked about it and talked about it and he concluded that it was off the table there were other things to go and do. 
He still did it. 

I'm not mad that he took time to go do something he wanted to do--he needs to do that for himself, for his sanity, for his health, etc, I want him to do more of those things.

 I'm not mad that after talking it to death, he still went and did it anyways, because that's him. 
He does that. I know this. Ego/pride.
 Ignore the girl with the crystal ball, yet again, she's used to it.
 He's not the thing that is going to or can change here.
(Now is a good time to remind you friends, that he does all the laundry).

I'm mad/upset because after he was done doing it, he expected me to be...happy/pleasant/supportive.
 Yo. So. Not. Happening. 
And he was mad at me for not being that.
I was also upset that he didn't offer me...something? Acknowledgement. Thanks. Space. 
Something.
Once upon a time, I was okay with him taking and not giving because I didn't need to be given anything and you know, slave.

So we fought in the drag out way we used to and it was all kinds of awful.
We patched up.
And then...

He went to do engage with me about something...

I told him please don't do that...
I told him now isn't a good time...
I told him really not now (ironically I told him no to this because I was sorta sure it was going to be a trigger).

And he railroaded right over that and did it anyways and didn't listen and disregarded my boundaries and my words and how I was feeling.
And then was surprised/mad/upset at me when I still wasn't over it the next day. 

To the now...where I feel completely deflated. 
My creative momentum is gone. 
Optimism that things were better, gone coz now I can't see clearly because of these past few days.
I'm reeling from all of this and not sure where to put the pieces. 

Its like every time, I find enough of me to charge into space for myself where I find that creative momentum, he comes along and does this--intentionally or not. 

The questions I am asking myself are: 
How do I keep my space, when I find it, no matter what else is happening?
(Tough one because I have only so many reserves and I have a lot of fixed parts that demand my attention/time/energy).
How do I not look to him to emotional support because its something that he can't give me and stop feeling resentful that he can't give me that? 

Its taking me longer and longer each time, to come back up to where I feel buoyant again. 






Tuesday, 23 January 2018

Just saying...

How many more months of winter?!
And I'm tired.
And grumpy.
And tired.
Mostly tired.

Crashing from creative momentum is a thing.

Friday, 19 January 2018

Friday Fragments: Offer of proof...

Its good to know things.
That's the reason I am signed up for a community health bulletin.
Its useful to know if there is a fire down the street or if there is an outbreak of measles before leaving the house.
 Really, I have no good reason why I am on this list, its just one of those things that happens.
The messages all in the name of health are about as helpful as, "wear sunscreen", and about as inane in tone.
I read them on my phone because that's my third hand. I see photos first, then the text.
This latest message was, "Eating together as a family is important---".

 I won't read the linked scientific article because I feel I can make that mental leap all on my own.

I can even believe that maybe somewhere, there is a kitchen that looks all glossy and clean in the morning, where everyone has a full glass of orange juice in front of their place mat with well balanced perfectly plated plates.
My kitchen looks like a yogurt filled grenade exploded every morning, I have serious kitchen envy here.
The next line naturally is, "No matter what your family looks like."

And this is where they lost me. 
I would be way more inclined to believe that matters to them, if it wasn't a picture of shiny blond blue eyed able bodied white people sitting around that kitchen table, in that perfect kitchen.

 But if I wake up one morning and think one of my family members is ugly, I know now to eat with them no matter what, because its crucial to overall health and well being.

Noted.

*Snorts and drinks coffee in yogurt avocado dishes from yesterdays covered kitchen*.


And this friends, is why I contemplate another blog.




Wednesday, 17 January 2018

Boundaries and Limits

I'm learning there is a definite difference between boundaries and limits.
Previously, I didn't have any boundaries, His limits were my limits--the limit part is more than likely still true. To really test that, we would need a lot more time than the current season gives us but how I feel about it hasn't changed...or its changed back from me wanting zero kink/touch, etc.
But the limits were boundless.

Boundaries are a new area.
I'm learning for my sanity and health, I need boundaries and how to put those in place before it gets to the point of me completely having a meltdown. You know, progress.

Thinking about this more, I realized that's partly why I am so perplexed about that slave I know who voted the way they did because her Dom told her to.
  I never really thought about that situation much and if I did I think I chalked it up there with the other strawman arguments of limb chopping.
And the views blow my mind more on a personal level than wider-political-landscape-level, just so you know.

Like for me, that would probably be a boundary. Maybe I feel stronger or more defined about not putting my kink on the public and the implications. Why a boundary and not a limit? How does that read "boundary?" to me..hmmm searching for words here...Because boundaries are more defined.

Because that crosses the area of where my kink/M/s lies. He can tell me what to do and expect me to do it but not when it comes to living life areas.

Our D/s is about I relate to him, our relationship, not about how I relate to the outside world, or even relate to him when it comes to how I live outside of the Hovel.
He doesn't need to tell me how to think or what and my hackles get raised if there is even a hint of that in the words...trauma affect right there: I'm wildly sensitive about being told what to do and if you think that has to throw a wrench in a power exchange dynamic, you would be correct.

Our division of labour is inherently unequal these days, but there is a division.
He pitches in a lot and patches me up when I need patching sometimes I feel as if that's nightly.

Its like, I'm more than happy to do all the things for you, I'll glaze into the crystal ball but dude, give me a coffee first.
Before?
 Didn't matter if I had the coffee.
Then again...
He knows I work better with coffee now and doesn't push me as much.





Tuesday, 16 January 2018

Another place...

So I am contemplating another blog.
Where I can scrawl more about life (coz my life is oh so fascinating) and attempts at writing and all that. So kinda vanillia? Maybe?

Anyways, ***if*** I do this and you would like the link, email me and let me know.

Just feeling limits here. But I want to keep it that way, here.

Monday, 15 January 2018

Moth like #1

One of the first things I did when I had a moment, was make him lunch.
He was miffed this morning that there was nothing ready.

Fair enough. '
But you know what was surprising?
I actually wanted to be helpful and fix it and make it better.
Explaining the early-morning-making-lunch-for-the-next-day-bit.

Totally slaving it.
*snorts*

Friday, 12 January 2018

In the action

He has taken the moments when I tell him I won't do something as a signal of me being stressed out of my sleep-deprived mind.
Because apparently, it is, like in actuality. 

He knows I'll do it, no matter what I claim in the stressed out moment and of course he's right because there is no way I can *not* do it, how we roll. 

But me telling him I can't/won't is like.....letting off steam? I don't know, I've only just realized that this happens. Its a way for him to come in, to ease the stress? 

I do now this is part of learning how to manage all the stuffs. 
And that last year, he would have taken offence to it/been hurt by me telling him I wasn't going to do something.

Its helpful, to realize this and its helpful in action but it bothers me at the same time.

(and yes I edited for title)

Thursday, 11 January 2018

Right?

This morning over coffee, we were talking and I got to give a viewpoint on the political impact on a current social-economical issue.
He stopped and said, "You are so right, I never thought of it that way."
That made me happy.
He's the one who is good at everything and all smart.
But on occasion, its nice to be smarter.

This brought to mind, the whole, "If your Dom told you to vote a certain way, would you?" from forums past.
Its actually been on my mind because I found out that an acquaintance did vote a certain way because their Dom told them to and their political views kind of blow my mind and shake up the picture I had of them and I still don't know how think about that one---what would you think?

In our dynamic, its just not something he would exert control over.
He's all about control but the sphere he is concerned with is the things that affect us or him.
There was one time, where I couldn't vote in a minor municipal thing because I was all pregnant and in another city and couldn't make it back on time, he wasn't pleased with because he feels I should have voted on the issue.
Who I vote for, or how I vote, not so much.

I'm tired and the days are so long.

But I'm madly in love with my little pack right now and I was all kinds of happy with that little reminder this morning--I have a partnership that allows for disagreement and different viewpoints and allows me to have a voice....all with a dose of M/s and kinkery fuckery when time permits.



Tuesday, 2 January 2018

R for relantionship

Over here, Olivia wrote about an article in the mainstream and how in said article, s-type claimed being Owned was a cure-all for chronic anxiety.

Paraphrasing so badly there but my brain has had no coffee and I haven't showered in forever, so let's just roll with it, shall we?
To be clear, they didn't *actually* say it was a cure-all.

Snorts and smirks aside, I thought about a little bit more.
 Its hard to see the kink stuff through this lens of reality I'm now living.
When I read some loved blogs, in my head, I'm often like, "What?! And she just did it?" and find myself bordering on being all judgy.

In this season, where submission is so far away from me, because the attitude of the here and now is all about survival and sometimes, "I shot out 100lbs out of my vagina. What have you done for me lately, buddy?"  the days when I was criticised for our "extreme M/s lifestyle" feel like they happened to someone else.
Someone who probably showered and had coffee and could leave the house in like, five.

Five....gods...right where was I?

Yet there are still things I defer to him on.
He still has the final-decision making capabilities.
Ask him and he will tell you he still owns me.
Even if we haven't had sex in forever and I'm bitcing to him about not being able to leave the house again with abandon, there are threads of the M/s still there.

When it comes to the offspring, we are on the page as far as general philosophy goes.
But there is an issue we disagree on.
Didn't matter, we did what he wanted to.

That sounds awfully black and white, yes? He said, I did.
And when you get right down it, that's what it was but there was a lot of discussion about it, a lot of tears from me on it.

Because...I was a hot mess over it.
But I couldn't tell you for sure if it was the issue or the circumstances of the issue, because my anxiety, the liar that it is, kept feeding me bigger and bigger suggestions about it that I couldn't see clearly.
He was sure. He saw it more clearly than I did, and because he did, I was able to relax on it and give way.

He has cut through my anxiety in so many different ways.
Sometimes by telling me to just do it and because he Owns me, my loyalty to him wouldn't let me do otherwise, even though I REALLY didn't want to or feel that I could, because anxiety.
Sometimes by holding my hand and letting me sob into his shoulder while I do it anyways, especially if its something I REALLY want to do but didn't feel that I could, because anxiety.
Sometimes by marching into the battle with me and letting me rant and rave and scream about it afterwards.

I wouldn't claim that it was just the kink/BDSM elements that make me go to gatherings or pick up the phone when I don't want to that see me through.

But it is due to his long suffrage of my neurosis, his knowledge of who I am and the intimacy that we have that allows me to get out from under my blanket fort more often than I would if it was up to me.
 That comes from various sources: M/s and how it has the ability to make those undercurrents shine, length of time together, going through all the stuffs together and the trust that is inherent in those messy intimate relationship parts.

Its the relationship.

Always, the relationship.

But that doesn't get represented in BDSM as well as it should.


And how is your day?

My day so far.



What do you figure my chances are for a cup of coffee and a shower?



Remember when I used to write about slaving and kinky stuffs?! 
Its a fuzzy kind of memory.