Tuesday, 2 January 2018

R for relantionship

Over here, Olivia wrote about an article in the mainstream and how in said article, s-type claimed being Owned was a cure-all for chronic anxiety.

Paraphrasing so badly there but my brain has had no coffee and I haven't showered in forever, so let's just roll with it, shall we?
To be clear, they didn't *actually* say it was a cure-all.

Snorts and smirks aside, I thought about a little bit more.
 Its hard to see the kink stuff through this lens of reality I'm now living.
When I read some loved blogs, in my head, I'm often like, "What?! And she just did it?" and find myself bordering on being all judgy.

In this season, where submission is so far away from me, because the attitude of the here and now is all about survival and sometimes, "I shot out 100lbs out of my vagina. What have you done for me lately, buddy?"  the days when I was criticised for our "extreme M/s lifestyle" feel like they happened to someone else.
Someone who probably showered and had coffee and could leave the house in like, five.

Five....gods...right where was I?

Yet there are still things I defer to him on.
He still has the final-decision making capabilities.
Ask him and he will tell you he still owns me.
Even if we haven't had sex in forever and I'm bitcing to him about not being able to leave the house again with abandon, there are threads of the M/s still there.

When it comes to the offspring, we are on the page as far as general philosophy goes.
But there is an issue we disagree on.
Didn't matter, we did what he wanted to.

That sounds awfully black and white, yes? He said, I did.
And when you get right down it, that's what it was but there was a lot of discussion about it, a lot of tears from me on it.

Because...I was a hot mess over it.
But I couldn't tell you for sure if it was the issue or the circumstances of the issue, because my anxiety, the liar that it is, kept feeding me bigger and bigger suggestions about it that I couldn't see clearly.
He was sure. He saw it more clearly than I did, and because he did, I was able to relax on it and give way.

He has cut through my anxiety in so many different ways.
Sometimes by telling me to just do it and because he Owns me, my loyalty to him wouldn't let me do otherwise, even though I REALLY didn't want to or feel that I could, because anxiety.
Sometimes by holding my hand and letting me sob into his shoulder while I do it anyways, especially if its something I REALLY want to do but didn't feel that I could, because anxiety.
Sometimes by marching into the battle with me and letting me rant and rave and scream about it afterwards.

I wouldn't claim that it was just the kink/BDSM elements that make me go to gatherings or pick up the phone when I don't want to that see me through.

But it is due to his long suffrage of my neurosis, his knowledge of who I am and the intimacy that we have that allows me to get out from under my blanket fort more often than I would if it was up to me.
 That comes from various sources: M/s and how it has the ability to make those undercurrents shine, length of time together, going through all the stuffs together and the trust that is inherent in those messy intimate relationship parts.

Its the relationship.

Always, the relationship.

But that doesn't get represented in BDSM as well as it should.


  1. Thanks for writing about this!! Yes. It is always the relationship. I was just responding to Jade that I don't like BDSM being presented as a solution to uncomfortable feelings. I totally agree with you, it is the context of the relationship that provides ground to work through all kinds of difficult emotions.


    1. Yes, I agree about those uncomfortable feelings but generally speaking, people are so eager to escape them! I do the alternative living life-ness actually does cause you to sit with those feelings and learn to deal with them.

      And I so adore Jade.

  2. I rambled over at Olivia's but to borrow the term 'oversimplified' that Jade used, I think I can oversimplify it and say that for *me* the D/s (still don't see ourselves as BSDM...maybe BDSM light?) is a good distraction to keep anxiety at bay. How horrid is that to say my relationship is a distraction???lol

    What I mean is, if I focus on my 'duty' I don't have time to focus on 'what ifs' and the anxiety lays dormant for the most part. CURED? Not exactly. But content more often then I was before. THAT being said, without a solid relationship foundation, I can have HUGE anxiety- even over D/s. LOL.

    If I could also respond to Olivia here, our dynamic whatever someone chooses to call it, most certainly isn't a solution to uncomfortable feelings. It causes a great deal of them actually! lol. AND ideally we then face those feelings and the causes to fix them. Perhaps the dynamic shines a huge spotlight on areas of 'concern' and the openness of the nature that has to be between people in this dynamic makes it easier or paramount to discuss these things can be seen as the key to the solution? (Boy that was a run on wasn't it? ) Basically BDSM can be the catalyst, if chosen to be, to take the appropriate steps to allow ourselves to help ourselves or each other.


    1. Willie,

      I get your sentiments! For me, half the time focusing on duties/expectations did keep me mentally focused but caused me anxiety in other ways...like I said over at Olivia's, then its His job to manage my anxiety, lol.

      Yes, BDSM can be the catalyst and the vehicle of communication :-)

  3. Hi Bleue,
    I struggle with anxiety also and have found that trusting in my husbands leadership/ dominance and what he expects of me has been very helpful to me in overcoming those feelings in the moment and carry on with what I need to do. I agree with Willie that it isn't a " cure"- the anxiety would still be there without that welcome "distraction" but it is a coping mechanism.
    I think it's great that youre able to trust your M like this

    1. Jlynne,

      Your in good company ;-)
      In the moment, absolutely...in the moment I might even call it a cure-all :-P

  4. Hi bleue, great post. I think its totally relevant - its the relationship. I dont think kink stands a chance if the rest of the trust/time/prior testing and coming thru were absent. That thing about bikss just coming over when the housemate was home? That was him. I was waffling and thinking maybe not maybe we go out maybe we meet another day and he calmly said what i needed him to say to push me to just do what i wanted to do anyway. He knew. Even if i couldnt just decide - he did.

    1. Oooh, a situation like that with the housemate, that is something mine would do too. Yes, that ability to push- with the anxieties-and get me to do it anyways is so valuable.


Thank-you for reading.