Monday, 19 February 2018

Good mornings

This is my place to write off the cuff and most of the time in has to do with my own inner-demons taking up the real estate of my mind.
But most of my days are harmonious and joyful and slow and lovely.
Exhausting, soul-draining, exhausting, physically numbing and exhausting.
 But lovely.
And its hard for me to believe sometimes.
Hard for me to really accept that these slow mornings, lingering over coffee, pancake making, days are mine. 

The other day, we were all grumpy with each other. All of us lost our tantrums and were at odds with each other and there were disagreements and tears. But we have grown better and quicker at saying, "I'm sorry", and faster at repairing, we don;t let things fester. 

So I'm grateful that this is my current reality and I try to remember to breathe and slow down and not race ahead to the next minute. 
How we got here after all, took a lot of emotional muscle and work. And sometimes it takes twice as much effort daily to maintain.

So worth it.

Tuesday, 13 February 2018

Weary sighs

Gods, I didn't want to do today.
Too little sleep and a too early start.
But there was coffee.
He stayed and made sure I was in as one piece as possible.
He's good like that.

I have more coffee.
And a quiet, rare moment.
I didn't even know what to do with it.
So I cleaned. Obvs.
*weary sigh*

 The thought of maybe scrawling out a writing prompt crossed my mind, but you know.
*weary sigh*

Oh and I'm ignoring the fact that the quick rebound to health means that I'm all sore and achy and like, chair yoga would be too intensive for me at the moment but moving anyways because moving
slowly is still better than no movement and hoping that
this return to health doesn't mean kayaking is off the list.
*weary sigh*

Sunday, 11 February 2018


So for perspective?
Post after post after post about coffee.
But not about PTSD symptoms or wanting to leave my marriage, so there's that.

The coffee situation has been rectified. More posts to come.

Saturday, 10 February 2018

Empty cup

Another morning, another bright and early start.
With no coffee.
Being in a power exchange for me currently, means no coffee.
I couldn't possibly foresee that I had to negotiate coffee (ahem not that there was much negotiation that happened but I dirges).
Coffee is not as important to him as it is to me. .
And because coffee isn't as important to him as it is to me, its not getting attention or priority, its just another thing *grumbles*.

Friday, 9 February 2018

Friday Fragmnets: Its been another *week*

Abounding realisations most of which I'm probably going to forget.
Long, long days.
Feeling annoyance at my connection seeking barnacles.
I'm told that happens.
And I need to be told that it happens and its okay that it does, way more often.
Thanks for hanging with me, friends.

Wednesday, 7 February 2018


(warning: sad pathetic post ahead)
Pperhaps I need a FFF for writing.
As much as I believe in mind over matter and self-acceptance in life, they aren't easy things to maintain. They have be fed over and and over again and cultivated.

My self-belief took quite a severe beating in recent years. Hard to rebound from that.

I'm functioning, I'm productive, I have spurts of creativity but its still a fight to rise back up and stay there but strong conviction is so often mistaken for confidence. Well let me tell you, I have zero confidence.
Its hard for me to get momentum.
And when I do get it, its hard to maintain. 
And when something comes along and crashes it, its like a weight in my mind that can't be shifted or moved away.
Its oppressive. 

Having others in my life believe in my abilities would be helpful but its rare where that happens.
Actually, not once has anyone close to me said that they think I can write or that they like my stuff.

And that's just kinda like everything else I've ever been masochistic to believe I could do and ended up failing at. 

Writing books is the only thing I ever wanted to do.
The fact that I haven't done it is sad. Really sad.

Finally something breaks and I have an idea and characters and then a reminder that I can't do anything with it and then I start to think about how much that actually doesn't/can't work in genre or I can't plot or I tak myself out of it. 

I'm finding life every frustrating at the moment and chafing at my bonds.

It will pass. It does eventually.

Sunday, 4 February 2018


So grateful he never decided to wake my ass up earlier than necessary just for the fun of it or just because he could.
He's mean and sadistic, not cruel and harmful. 

Not that there is a sleepbank.